Missing a dear friend

In this case, the “dear friend” is the challenging atmosphere that is nursing school.  I am a bit sad.  I did what a part of me felt it had to do: quit school at least for a few months.  But there are other parts of me that are saying, “maybe you should have gotten more advice, maybe the professors could have been a little lenient” (although I seriously doubt it – you get behind in nursing school and you will stay behind).

In fact, and I will admit to wondering about my experience of computer systems with regard to what the wisdom beings have planned for me, when I actually tried to withdraw from my classes, the first 3 times I clicked on the student information system (to withdraw), I got an error.  And then I had to go through a back door link to actually get to my normal easy to access screen!  [I don’t think I was supposed to quit everything so suddenly.]  But occasionally, rarely! I can be hard headed and stubborn.  If I am freaking out during the first easy week of classes, I did not see much hope for the semester.  Thanks Mercury retrograde (and Jupiter square Neptune).  Yes, my personal choices led to where I am today, but my astrology does compel me toward certain decisions.

Again, I may have made a mistake.  But I have a plan: I am going to get a number of health related tests done this semester (while I have good insurance).  I am going to build up to doing an hour of “nothing [which is actually resourcing for my tenuously frayed nervous system]” everyday for a bit, and I will do more Buddhist Dharma practice (which I had basically let go of due to nursing school).

Already, a day into my newfound experiment, I am noticing my previous jovial, jokester, prankster, lighthearted energy returning.  I am discovering joy and a lightening of being that I had not experienced for a couple years.  The burden is literally and figuratively lightening from my shoulders. I can smile and laugh and react with ease.

I don’t know where I am heading.  But I know that if / when I return to nursing school, that I cannot be working as much as I was.  I would prefer to not have to work at all.  That will take some serious thriftiness to save that much money, but that is what I need.

All the studying of nursing school made my mind sharper, brisker, easier to memorize anything.  But the burden of doing too much…  I would not wish that on anyone.

By the way, the modern nurse has hundreds of thousands of pieces of information to assess, and diagnose and evaluate and there is no way anyone – and I mean anyone can keep all that information at hand.  There is a terrible amount of responsibility that nurses have: to advocate for patient’s rights and needs and feelings in the midst of corrupt jockeying by pharmaceutical companies and hospital administration policies, etc etc.  In other words, the ideal nurse is someone who knows they do not know everything, yet who learns more everyday and who maintains their vast knowledge, while modestly treading through bureaucratic medical politics all while attempting to educate and advocate for their patients.  It requires a seriously dedicated and extremely skillful person to be a good nurse for a number of years.  Yes of course nursing can be rewarding, but it as a stressful as anything you can imagine – you have people’s lives in your hands multiple times / day in certain units.  Go take Pharmacology if you do not believe me…

So ultimately, am I happy to be taking a break?  Yes.  Am I sad about the circumstances?  Yes.  Do I have quite the mixed bag of emotions to unpack?  Yes.  Do I feel like I am letting down the future sentient beings I am meant to benefit?  Yes.

Maybe I am not the bodhisattva I thought I was (I attempt to say that as modestly as possible).  Maybe I am just a normal human being who has some intuitive gifts but who also has a fragile constitution.

These are just my thoughts.  They are already changing and shifting.

May all beings experience a joyful lightness of being, no matter what they are doing.

Getting on out of it

I just withdrew from my nursing classes.  All of them.  And I am feeling a lot of varied emotions in response.  I did not put a lot of thought into my decision, because there wasn’t much time to do so.

I was writing essays for scholarships when I realized: I am like a delicate acupuncture needle, where as most of my nursing school peers are thick durable framing nails, and the professors are hammering at us like we are in the military (seriously, the last two lectures that we had immediately reminded me of boot camp – Newsflash!: “I’ve been there.  I have no intention of going back.  Ever.”

Might I regret my decision?  Almost certainly.  Are the wisdom beings scrambling to create a new path for me to use my gifts on?  Almost certainly.  Do I feel ashamed about “giving up?”  Perhaps.  Will I go back to nursing school?  If they will have me.  🙂   Does this remind me of the past when I quit going to UVa for a year?  Unfortunately yes.  Who knows, this could be the story of my life: I am tired, pooped even, worn out, burnt out, exhausted.  And I need a real break.  The problem is that I push myself to my breaking point without realizing it.

But I am going to REALLY enjoy the next few weeks of sleeping in.  And my nerve pain, which is a lingering artifact from my having the shingles several years ago, should improve.  In other words, I could not cope with the stress of working full time and trying to keep track of dozens of tasks and assignments – I was near the point of overwhelm on the first day of school.  And that was the easiest week – it was going to get progressively more difficult from then on!

So here I am.  I am not going to admit this on Facebook just yet.  Yes, I am a bit sheepish.  [But I am also very tired of Facebook and all of its 90% time wasting memes and other ads.  In fact, I might soon take FB down, but I don’t want to waste time deleting dozens of pictures etc.]

I just went from transitioning from winter break (which I did not actually experience because I was working so hard) to restarting nursing school to sitting here typing this with no assignments due or chapters to mandatorily read.  I need time to discover where I have landed and then time to settle down for at least a couple of months.  There is the chance that I have changed in the past 6 months and I haven’t had time to notice.

Maybe I need time to discover what will truly restore my frazzled nervous system.  Hopefully I can find that soon.

I will keep you informed.

The wisdom of conducting both Wisdom and Compassion

I have observed my relationship to Tibetan Buddhism (and Buddhism in general) mostly wax over the past 9 to 13 years, with a little bit of waning.  And in that time, I dove in deep and yet I am still understanding new realizations everyday.  Because I dove in so deep, my current realization does not shatter the earth or boggle the mind, but it is more of the subtle type of “Ah-ha!”

I am understanding more about the concept that most Westerners have been spending all of their time worried about the material realm – getting ahead, going to school, earning, churning, burning money.  Why?  Because our culture says to, and because they mistakenly believe that having every possession (or plastic surgery or fashionable toy dog etc) leads to happiness.  And this time spent in the material realm is known as the Compassion side of the Wisdom / Compassion balance.  Most mainstream Westerners do not spend much time in the Wisdom sphere – meditating, working with spiritual teachers, doing truly cathartic psychological work on themselves (sure we do what we must to get by, but a lot of mainstream types avoid the discomfort of elective process-oriented psychotherapy or bodywork as much as possible – so we tend to only do the psychological work when there is a crisis or sickness – when it is a necessity).

I am not like most mainstream Westerners (in case you are not a follower of my blog or if you did not notice that fact).  I was raised Christian but I always knew in my heart that that religion was not complete (enough), that it did not go deep enough for me, that it was not the faith in which I felt at home.  Sure being Christian is probably better (due to having a moral compass) than being an anarchist atheist, but I have always known that something else existed beyond Christianity’s limits.  And I think this is the reason my mother says that I have always been Buddhist, while it was only in 2002 that I encountered Zen Buddhism and I started meditating, and it was in 2006 that I met my heart teachers in the Drikung Kagyu lineage of Tibetan Buddhism.  And then I felt at home and began to do (efficacious) spiritual practice in earnest.

Aside from my religious leanings, I am also not like most mainstream Westerners because I have always felt guilty when I did not do my spiritual practices.  I feel guilty if I “waste” a day resting and reading and watching movies without doing any formal Buddhist practice.  But self-care is vital.  And I believe that guilt is going away with this new realization.

I watched a documentary on some of the Dalai Lama’s students, and the beautiful thing was that they spoke about His Holiness’ emphasis on staying in the world and practicing compassion alongside wisdom.  I suspect it is a small select few people who get told – “You must go into retreat!  Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, go sit now!  And here is the retreat master to study with…”

As an astrological aside, if someone has a North Node (of the Moon) in Pisces or in the 8th house, then that person might be needing to get their butts on a meditation cushion.  They might be the type to be told to go into retreat quickly – forsake the worldly householder life.  But for the most part, the rest of us need to stay put in the world and do spiritual practice as we benefit others IN THE WORLD.

My North Node is in the 2nd House, which means the South Node is in the 8th.  I am coming from recent previous incarnations where I was the spiritual person in the community – I was the medicine man or the monk or the nun or the Brahmin, whatever you want to call it.  I relied on my tribe to support me as I strove toward Wisdom, leaving Compassion for another time.  This explains why I have always yearned to do retreat.  I love spending time with my root Lama – Drupon Thinley Ningpo.  I would do any retreat he was leading if I had the time.

But even my root Lama said to me that I should get a good paying job in order to support a family and support my spiritual practice in the future.  He suggested I become a nurse.  I resisted that advice for about a year (because I wanted it to come from my heart) and now I feel fully in control and fully confident that that is the right thing to do for me and for my path, and it is coming from my being.

And because nursing school is so tough, there are some days that I can only go do clinical work in the hospital for 8 hours and then come home and nap.  And then I have to study or work on care plans.  There is an avalanche of assignments which I can barely stay in front of.  And there is less and less guilt about missing time on my meditation cushion.

In fact, learning how to be of benefit to others, but helping to heal the sick or at least provide comfort to those ailing, this is a spiritual practice.  This is the Compassion side of the balance.  Sure as a busy nurse, I will rarely if ever get time to meditate in the hospital, but if I am being of benefit to others, while causing very little harm to myself or others, then this is the highest form of right livelihood there is.  And this is what I must be doing right now.

So if I were to die tomorrow (knock on wood, hoping that is not the case), I would be fairly content with my life.  I yearned and pulled and struggled to get more Wisdom time into my life, I even had the good fortune to be able to attend dozens of Buddhist retreats between 2006 and 2012 (see all my posts in the Dharma category of this blog).  But now I realize that I need more Compassion time.  It is time to be present with others, to start a family, and to be a mentor to younger practitioners and sentient beings.  Maybe when I am 60 years old, I can do a longer retreat.  For now though, get through nursing school, make some money, and do the rarer formal practice on the side, when I can.

Kindness to self means realizing when to practice more Compassion and when to practice more Wisdom.  Speaking to a wise spiritual teacher can help you to know which would be better for you on a higher level (many people unfortunately struggle against their heart’s true desires – you see it in almost every spiritual community).  And perhaps knowing your astrology chart really well could also shine some light on this fine balancing act.

Thanks for reading and happy holidays!

~Kirby Moore

Konchog Chakchen

Astrological cycles

To update from my most recent post, which I believe was written when I had less than adequate sleep, after studying for a comprehensive (big) exam, I am more stabilized now, more embodied for that matter.  I had noticed that I was starting to dissociate (my consciousness was starting to drift away from alignment with my body) for a few moments here and there, but that has gotten better now as well.

I am still working more than I would like at the restaurant, but because we are understaffed or staffed to the bare minimum, at least the money is good, and that is supporting my bigger intention of completing nursing school  🙂

But I have now realized that I am on winter break, and I am wishing that it would last longer!  I have a few days off in a row (on purpose) next week, so that should be nice, although I will be prepping for the upcoming semester and applying for scholarships, etc.  I also intend to rest, go hiking, soak in sensory deprivation chamber (AquaFloat) and do other self-care practices.

At present, I am aware of and doing research into various astrological cycles in my own life (reflected in my astrology chart).  In particular, I am focusing on Chiron aspects in my chart, related to various Buddhist or meditation-type events along with looking at Jupiter / Neptune cycles.  As Jupiter is presently making a 3/4 square to my Neptune (the conjunction will be the next major hard aspect), I have been looking back at dates and times and events in my life.  So far, it is correlating to meeting one of my heart teachers, and then being tempted off the path for a time as it were.

I am clarifying my thoughts and I will post more about this shortly.

Thanks for reading!  And my everyone have an abundant and joyful new year!

~Kirby

December 2015

So I have begrudgingly stumbled into passing grades in nursing fundamentals, health assessment and sociology.  My pursuit of a nursing license was almost derailed due to procrastination, but fortunately the massive comprehensive final exam was easier than expected.  Of course, it does not help my situation that I am working full time.  Apparently next semester is supposed to get more challenging, although from the military-style preview of what next semester is going to look like, they (the nursing faculty) are accurate in that assessment.

I am seeing the odd astrology client here and there when and if I have time.  Although I suspect that I will only have time between now and January 11th (when I resume nursing school).

My mental clarity was nearly derailed due to a TV show (Elementary) and a new computer game.  The process of studying at least 36 hours for a test that was easier than expected has shaken my world, at least temporarily.

I don’t quite realize that I am on winter break.  I intend to sleep.  I want to take baths, work, see the occasional friend, spend quality time with my girlfriend (she has supported me admirably during nursing school so far), and did I mention I wanted to nap and sleep?

I also have assignments to complete.  I must buy the medical surgical textbook, and the disease and disorder book.  Not to mention the pharmacology book.

Honestly, I am excited about what the next couple of semesters hold.  I am learning more than I ever have before.  Although I must do a better job of staying focused and at least rest down when I have a moment to myself.  I fear that the shingles virus which reared its ugly head in 2013 might attempt to re-emerge what with all the stressors I have swirling around me at present.

Om Mani Padme Hung Hri

Spiritual practice and self care are vital right now.

I wish I could write more extensively and with more clarity.  But at present, this will have to do.

Thank you for reading these jumbled words of a busy student!

Powerful kindness takes many forms

As a child, I watched Sesame Street (and cartoons) and Mr. Rogers neighborhood.  And as a child, I did not realize how special Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood of kindness actually was.

After watching these two clips below, I found myself weeping.  It takes a lot to make me cry, so maybe it was just time to let go, or maybe this was something very precious about this modest kind giant.

I am hoping one day to be able to manifest this much kindness on a daily basis:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXEuEUQIP3Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PI_9GegVoYk

Thank you for reading

And may all beings realize

kindness and compassion

in their daily lives.

Looking for hope about our planet’s future? Here’s a story worth sharing:

I heard a story on NPR today about the traditional Polynesian sailing vessel known as Hokulei’a (out of Hawai’i).  I got the chance to see this large sailing canoe about 7 or 8 years ago in Hawai’i.  It is impressive. What is more impressive is that some ambitious voyagers are taking the craft around the world using primarily traditional forms of navigation – no GPS, no satellites, no radar.

The vessel is planning to sail across the Atlantic next (it is presently in Durban, South Africa) before it comes up the South American coast toward Washington, D.C.  They are planning to visit the Hawaiian President (Obama) before he leaves office.  And I for one, would love to be on the edge of the Potomac River to cheer on the Hokulei’a as it sails past!  These are ambassadors worth receiving!

You can see more at their beautiful website: http://www.hokulea.com/

Been busy with nursing school, in January ready to do Astrology

Hello my fine readers,

If you or anyone you know is interested, I am looking to do some astrology interpretations in Dec / January.  I have been busy with nursing school which you can imagine is quite empirical and very scientifically dry.  So I could use some creative intuition for a change and I am looking to do about half a dozen chart interpretations.

I was invited to Yogaville to teach Spiritual Astrology, but I need to see if the timing will work out.  My schedule is amazingly full.

You can reach me at kirby [at] mkirbymoore [dot] com

I am available one or two days in December and then January 3rd – 9th.

And then of course, I will rest during my break as well.  Balance is good.

Thanks for reading!

Assessing Zero Balancing Day 3

Wow!  I have to say that writing the post soon after receiving a treatment is best.  Because this way I will remember the key points I want to jot down  🙂

Also, I want to state for the record, that receiving 3 sessions of ZB is necessary – vital.  Do it.  Go.  Now.  Having received 3 sessions within a 3 week period (over the course of 21 days to be exact), I realize that the unfolding and softening and processing of tension stored in the joints and bones is definitely a process that cannot be reached in one treatment.  There are many layers and complex psycho-emotional and physiological strata that can be worked through.  But I don’t want to scare anyone off – Connie was extremely professional and for the most part, she was silent in doing the treatment.  So any psycho-emotional processing was purely my choice and my prerogative.

Here is a brief assessment of various body parts and how they feel, one hour after my 3rd treatment:

The most significant shift I notice is in my neck – for at least 3 years, I have dealt with stiffness and off and on soreness there.  But now I am noticing at least a 75% improvement in my range of motion and now instead of feeling pervasive, unresponsive stiffness, I notice a couple of small areas of tenseness and resistance.  But it is extremely localized and manageable.  Before I would just accept that that was the way things might be.

My ribs in the back feel more open, below and especially around my scapula (shoulder blades).  Not only that, I notice better and smoother range of motion in my arms and shoulders, and my hips and pelvis feel more open and more responsive.  It literally feels like a breath of fresh air is blowing through certain joints where as previously, it was getting a little musty.

To be honest, I still have more work to do.  I signed up for another ZB treatment in 2 weeks – I want to assess where I am at on 5 treatments and then if I want to continue, I will assess at 7 and 10 treatments.  Connie is a superb massage therapist, so I will probably drop in getting a massage as a reward once I finish this semester of school (December).  And that will be heavenly.  And at the same time, I am looking forward to this opening I am noticing and exploring with ZB.

I do need more exercise.  Nursing school has made it so nearly every single minute can be taken up reading, studying, completing care plans, etc.  But I intend to enjoy it as much as I can and I want to strike a good balance between self care, relaxation and plugging away with studies.

I am very happy to have worked with Connie.  She is a skilled and professional and compassionate bodyworker.  Again, if you are in the Central Virginia area, you can contact her for sessions at:

Connie Staley

434.996.2640 or email her at conniemstaley [at] yahoo [dot] com

Thank you for reading!

Assessing Zero Balancing, Day 2

I am writing this post 2 days after receiving my second full ZB session.  Go back and read my most recent post about Zero Balancing (ZB) if you haven’t already.

I should point out that off and on for the past 5 years, I have been dealing with neck stiffness.  Sometimes I even experience torticollis – a condition where muscle spasms high in my chest make it so I can’t turn my neck without having a lot of pain – and on those days, I have to turn my entire body to look a different direction.  Fortunately those days only come about twice a year or so.

Also, I’m the type of person who yearns for any kind of compassionate bodywork done by a skillful (or caring) practitioner – massage, Craniosacral, ZB, acupuncture, etc – count me in.  So if nothing else, these 3 free ZB treatments are providing excellent maintenance to keep my system more loose – softening my edges as it were.

I noticed several positive changes between this recent treatment and the first:

  1. First and foremost, my neck stiffness feels much different.  Overall I would say the level of discomfort has dropped at least 50%.  Not only that, but the texture of the pain has shifted.  Instead of being a full blown pervasive stiffness, it is now localized tenderness – like I am more aware of the few areas of discomfort.
  2. Second, I relaxed very deeply during the treatment.  I was grateful to Connie for being silent unless I was the one talking.  She would only say something if it was necessary or maybe once every 10 minutes.  This allowed me to drop much deeper into a relaxed, aware state.
  3. Off and on for the past couple of years, I think due to my being a waiter, I have noticed right shoulder discomfort when I move it in certain ways.  My range of motion is fine, but there is stiffness with certain regions of movement.  I think that is slightly shifting as well.

So far, I would say that ZB is approaching my body in a new beneficial manner.  I think it works with certain physiological AND emotional layers of the body.  It helps to bring awareness to the chest and ribs, breathing, and to the hips and legs, as well as the shoulders and neck.  And I think I might continue on with it – after my 3 free session, I intend to get 2 sessions of ZB per month.

And like I mentioned above, if nothing else, if ZB helps to abate the stiffness in my neck, I would go back every month!  When I get the torticollis, I am pretty much laid low for a day or two – if I have to go out, I literally look like a frankenstein’s monster  🙂   It is sad really.  So, I am grateful for what I am learning about my body from ZB – and I think a lot of that learning is happening subconsciously.

I must admit (for the sake of science), that there are several variables to be aware of (full disclosure):

I am staying massively busy with nursing school and work.  I wonder if I would notice even more breakthroughs with ZB if it weren’t for these large burdens on my shoulders.  Also, while I suspect ZB is what is responsible for my neck improvement, I can’t be 100% certain – correlation does not equal causation  🙂   But I am very certain about that – considering I am not doing much different over the past few weeks.

And I should point out that I am extremely sensitive to bodywork practitioners – if someone is not very conscious or aware or compassionate or caring, I feel that and I would not go back for a second or third treatment – even if it was free.  [Because in energy work – energy always flows from a higher source down to a lower source – like electricity or gravity.  So if I am significantly more energetically full than my bodyworker, then they would potentially be energized for treating me!]  And I say that with as much modesty as possible – it is just what I have been taught by my teachers.

So Connie is a phenomenal practitioner – she does massage and Craniosacral work as well as ZB.  But she is trying to promote Zero Balancing, so if you contact her, she might give a discount if you need one (at least for the first treatment).  Here is her contact info:

434.996.2640 or email her at conniemstaley [at] yahoo [dot] com

Thanks for reading!