In this case, the “dear friend” is the challenging atmosphere that is nursing school. I am a bit sad. I did what a part of me felt it had to do: quit school at least for a few months. But there are other parts of me that are saying, “maybe you should have gotten more advice, maybe the professors could have been a little lenient” (although I seriously doubt it – you get behind in nursing school and you will stay behind).
In fact, and I will admit to wondering about my experience of computer systems with regard to what the wisdom beings have planned for me, when I actually tried to withdraw from my classes, the first 3 times I clicked on the student information system (to withdraw), I got an error. And then I had to go through a back door link to actually get to my normal easy to access screen! [I don’t think I was supposed to quit everything so suddenly.] But occasionally, rarely! I can be hard headed and stubborn. If I am freaking out during the first easy week of classes, I did not see much hope for the semester. Thanks Mercury retrograde (and Jupiter square Neptune). Yes, my personal choices led to where I am today, but my astrology does compel me toward certain decisions.
Again, I may have made a mistake. But I have a plan: I am going to get a number of health related tests done this semester (while I have good insurance). I am going to build up to doing an hour of “nothing [which is actually resourcing for my tenuously frayed nervous system]” everyday for a bit, and I will do more Buddhist Dharma practice (which I had basically let go of due to nursing school).
Already, a day into my newfound experiment, I am noticing my previous jovial, jokester, prankster, lighthearted energy returning. I am discovering joy and a lightening of being that I had not experienced for a couple years. The burden is literally and figuratively lightening from my shoulders. I can smile and laugh and react with ease.
I don’t know where I am heading. But I know that if / when I return to nursing school, that I cannot be working as much as I was. I would prefer to not have to work at all. That will take some serious thriftiness to save that much money, but that is what I need.
All the studying of nursing school made my mind sharper, brisker, easier to memorize anything. But the burden of doing too much… I would not wish that on anyone.
By the way, the modern nurse has hundreds of thousands of pieces of information to assess, and diagnose and evaluate and there is no way anyone – and I mean anyone can keep all that information at hand. There is a terrible amount of responsibility that nurses have: to advocate for patient’s rights and needs and feelings in the midst of corrupt jockeying by pharmaceutical companies and hospital administration policies, etc etc. In other words, the ideal nurse is someone who knows they do not know everything, yet who learns more everyday and who maintains their vast knowledge, while modestly treading through bureaucratic medical politics all while attempting to educate and advocate for their patients. It requires a seriously dedicated and extremely skillful person to be a good nurse for a number of years. Yes of course nursing can be rewarding, but it as a stressful as anything you can imagine – you have people’s lives in your hands multiple times / day in certain units. Go take Pharmacology if you do not believe me…
So ultimately, am I happy to be taking a break? Yes. Am I sad about the circumstances? Yes. Do I have quite the mixed bag of emotions to unpack? Yes. Do I feel like I am letting down the future sentient beings I am meant to benefit? Yes.
Maybe I am not the bodhisattva I thought I was (I attempt to say that as modestly as possible). Maybe I am just a normal human being who has some intuitive gifts but who also has a fragile constitution.
These are just my thoughts. They are already changing and shifting.
May all beings experience a joyful lightness of being, no matter what they are doing.