Advertisements
Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘somatic experiencing’

If you want to see what Kirby offers as far as bodywork (in person or distant sessions) or for Astrology, visit http://www.mkirbymoore.com Enjoy your visit!

Another name for this post might be “Men Out There, Time to Shape Up.” If I slapped this title on it however, I would be wronging the 15-20% of heterosexual men out there who are in touch with their masculinity, their emotions, their showing up, their self expression, their professional life and their sex drive. Okay – having all of these clear and apparent might be asking a lot… but I know a number of men who have most if not all of these going on! And fortunately our numbers are growing more every day!

I live in a town where conscious, creative, evolved, dynamic, beautiful women are everywhere. (Seriously, if you are a dynamic, evolved male and you are looking for one of these women, come check out Charlottesville Virginia…) And therefore they are searching for their male counterparts to share life with. As a man who is in touch with my feminine side, yet who enjoys embodying my yang traits, this leads to a bunch of interesting conversations. One woman (who is happily married) said, “Kirby, in this town, you are like ice cream.” Meaning I have most of those qualities I named above – and I have done a ton of personal growth work on myself, so emotional expression is often not too difficult (for me).

Here is what I have learned from various teachers or my own experience about ideal relationship traits: first, know yourself. If you don’t know who you are, how can you possibly know what you want out of life or out of a relationship? How do you get to know who you are better? Work with a competent astrologer – Western or Vedic, work with a therapist, work with an acupuncturist, work with a certified life coach, etc.

Second, do your own personal growth work. If you don’t work on yourself, you will constantly bump into reflections of your own blind spots (and constantly blame the world or the other person or …). Along with the list I named above, develop a regular yoga practice, or learn from a meditation teacher (as in start meditating), start a daily Qigong practice (just 20 minutes a day will start to make a difference), etc. Improve yourself and then you will start to manifest and attract a similar frequency partner to yourself.

Third, write down qualities and traits that you want in a partner. My aunt claims that she manifested her amazing husband – a great cook, a lover of fine wine, incredible gardener, French and Italian speaking (yet American) doctor – my uncle – using this technique. She wrote down about 25 qualities that she had to have in a partner – and he met all but one of them!

This technique also worked for me. But in the opposite way. There is an exercise out there called Dream Partner / Nightmare Partner. I used this exercise (which asks questions about 24 areas of life) to separate from a woman with whom I had a slightly-functional-barely-healthy relationship with. I picked up the paper to work on it 6 months before we broke up, but I couldn’t go forward because I knew it would force me to analyze some painful facts. So by the time I finished the exercise, in my mind, we were done. And it was the right time.

And now I have an incredibly inspiring, creative, dynamic, professional, graceful, funny, beautiful, loving partner in my life! Actually, back in May of 2018, I moved onto her street without knowing it… and then in June I started working at the same spa as she did. So by the time we started going out to lunch in August, we had a bunch in common right off the bat!

Ideally, in a relationship, we want to have all three Energy Centers in connection with our partner: Head, Heart and Pelvis. We want to be able to have intellectual rapport with them. We want to be able to have love and kindness come through our facial expressions, our eyes, our touch. And of course we want to be able to stand on our own two feet and express our needs in the relationship as well. And if the partnership is to be romantic, then we must have that healthy yearned for pelvic connection!

I think a lot of people get away with having two of these qualities – maybe Head and Pelvis – intellectual rapport, sexual chemistry, but not much in the way of emotional tenderness. Rarely Heart and Pelvis might work – but then it would be hard to talk about any non-emotional, verbal topic without differing significantly. And I think many friends have Head and Heart going on – maybe there is zero physical attraction or maybe they just don’t act on it (for whatever reason).

I talk about all of these things and more when I do Relationship Astrology for a client. Whether you want to discuss your own chart and the what’s and where-for’s about your own personal relating, or if you provide me with your partner’s birth info as well. I love working with Relationship topics! Let me know if this interests you.

I work with Zapchen somatics and Somatic Experiencing – tools for coming down out of the head and into the Heart, into the Pelvis, into the body. And when I do sessions whether in person or long distance, I include these individualized techniques for moving toward graceful emobodiment and clarity.

Don’t settle in relationships! I know so many people who are not happy and yet they stay put – usually for good reason – like not wanting to have their kids endure a divorce, or for cultural reasons (“where else would I find a good Lebanese man at this stage of my life?” – I actually heard someone say this), etc. I know so many young women in their 20’s who are really not fundamentally happy, and yet they are talking about marrying their boyfriends. Huh?! Don’t set yourself up for failure…

Maybe they don’t know who they are though. Maybe they hear the cultural voice saying, “Well he is fairly nice to me, so he must be a good man.” But will he make a good long-term partner? Is he working to improve himself? Does he yearn to heal his own emotional blind spots?

I do love seeing a multitude of unusual relationships out there though, that work! Some people live together in a tiny house, some people sleep in separate rooms, some people give their partner a tattoo or die their partner’s hair. Some live separately and claim to be really happy that way. Others have a strict agreement about which days they want time to themselves. And all of these things work! And I have hope that all the weirdo’s out there like me are finding suitable partners! ūüôā

Thanks for reading!

Kirby Moore

Konchog Chakchen

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

I am writing this post because over the years I have benefited numerous people when it comes to answering various questions about body sensations, spiritual experiences, unexplained dream elements, etc. I don’t have all the answers, but I will admit that and I have quite a solid network of practitioners and colleges to refer people to if need be.

And I don’t mean to boast or brag too much, but I have been very fortunate regarding my spiritual teachers, mentors, yogis, coaches, bodywork instructors, astrology teachers, etc. I thank my karma everyday.

If you are an avid reader of my blog, you would know that I have quite a unique background when it comes to being able to answer this diverse array of questions:

I began my “spiritual” journey as a Christian – that is my family’s religion. But it didn’t feel quite right for me, so once I hit age 22 – 23, I started studying philosophy and when I discovered Eastern religions, I was hooked. Zen Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism were first, and then in 2005 I encountered Tibetan Buddhist teachers – Lamas – who really helped to put me on an efficacious spiritual path. It works for me – not for everyone – but I felt like I had come home.

Then on top of that, I have been studying and practicing emotional-process oriented bodywork – Craniosacral Therapy, Vagus work (working with the Vagus nerve), Pre- and Perinatal Psychology (Birth Process Work), Asian bodywork, Reiki and more. I have practiced a bit of yoga (mainly restorative or yin or Svaroopa yoga) along with delving deeper into Qigong (Chinese yoga) every week. Each month I assist and support one or two dozen clients to work through manageable and sustainable amounts of personal growth work – clearing, repairing, releasing emotional confusion or psycho-spiritual knots and tangles.

Oh and did I mention that I practice Spiritual Astrology? This is Western Astrology but with a karmic astrology, psychological, evolutionary slant. I specialize in Medical (Health and Wellness), Relationship, Natal Astrology and Timing Aspects. Therefore I love looking at how astrology ties in with psychology and how these both tie in with health and wellness issues!

I currently lead a dream group where we embody and make someone’s dream come to life – from Susan Harper’s Living Dream work. It is an awesome group where we get to play with a unique form of psycho-drama.

So my background is quite well-rounded and diverse. With that said, let’s be realistic again, I don’t have all the answers. I may not even be a good fit for you. But I have a wide range of experience and fellow colleagues and practitioners to whom I refer people. And I have benefited many people – discovering clarity through their astrology charts, through their dreams, through talking about Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, and more!

Therefore, if you have a pressing question or the need to chat, let me know. I can work with your budget. I have a sliding scale if my normal rates are a bit too high for you. I have worked with many international clients as well.

Feel free to read back through my blog here to see posts on many topics – Spiritual Astrology, psycho-spiritual process work, bodywork, Tibetan Buddhism and more.

Or visit my website at http://www.mkirbymoore.com to see more about what I offer.

I do seem to specialize however in working with idiopathic disease processes (you know, the unknown cause and origin of diseases where doctors are scratching their heads saying, “I’m not sure…”). Again, I don’t claim to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, but it is amazing what we can perceive when we have a vast holistic perspective! (I am definitely not a doctor.)

I am also over half-way through Somatic Experiencing training – tools for resourcing and tracking the nervous system. And tools for working to settle the nervous system when it has encountered overwhelm and chaos (a.k.a. working with trauma). So I use this awesome modality in working with clients both in person and over distance.

Thank you for reading and let me know if you are interested in setting up a time to chat.

Kirby Moore

Konchog Chakchen

Read Full Post »

I should start out by saying I am not a doctor. I do not treat, diagnose, cure or even prevent any diseases outside of my scope of practice (I’m a licensed massage therapist).

With that said, I have been working with the Polyvagal System – treating nervous system dysfunction and lack of regulation since 2012. And I’m currently taking Somatic Experiencing training – getting more specific knowledge and skills about how to work with the CNS and ANS.

Recently I have treated a few clients who have the symptoms of hiatal hernias – discomfort, acid reflux, pressure up into diaphragm, etc. Their doctors have diagnosed them as having these hernias.

And I should note (immediately and with some insistence) that having a hiatal hernia is complicated. It most likely took some years or even decades (of stress and challenge) to develop. Therefore there is no easy fix. Especially if there is a tear in the tissue around the hiatus – the opening in the diaphragm which is allowing some abdominal tissue to sneak up into the upper thoracic cavity. Ouch.

People with these hernias are often prescribed medicine for the acid reflux and then are given exercises to pull the tissue down from around their stomachs. And their doctors will watch them to make sure they don’t develop serious GERD (potentially damaging acid reflux) or other complications.

I wonder what else can be done for these life-altering types of diseases?

It looks like there is a significant Vagus (ventral vagus) nerve component to the esophagus. The ventral vagus branch innervates the upper third of it, and when working properly, it allows for some appropriate slack in the tissue when taking deep breaths so the diaphragm can descend. When the esophagus is stuck in a tight, shocked, frightened, or feeling less-than-safe pattern, there can be problems with the proper tension in the esophageal tissue. If we are taking deep breaths with a really tight esophagus, then eventually some lower abdominal tissue might start to slip through the hiatus – the opening in the diaphragm which the esophagus passes through. This is where the hiatal hernia begins to develop.

Ideally we want the dorsal vagus and the ventral vagus branch to be on the same page and sending the same messages to the brain. Often times though, in times of stress, the ventral vagus branch gets disrupted. This has many side effects, but one of which is to disrupt communication between the ventral and dorsal branches of the vagus system and to possibly have the sympathetic chain stay “stuck” on – being activated, tense, or anxious for days on end.

It also turns out that if hiatal hernias get bad enough, they will start to affect the breathing capacity – as the diaphragm can’t descend properly. There seems to be evidence that some COPD cases may involve hiatal hernias as well.¬†

I appreciate all the learning and study and wisdom of Western medical practitioners. They know how to treat the biological body and most of the bio-chemical systems in it, to patch it up, to tweak neurotransmitters, to balance pH, to replace organs, to set broken bones, etc. And yet I wonder if the healing actually happens in the biological body – or does it happen in the psycho-spiritual body? And if it is the latter, why don’t they teach more about this in contemporary medical schools?

So speaking of psycho-spiritual concepts.. working with the autonomic nervous system – building resiliency, tracking where the client is in their nervous system (sympathetic, parasympathetic charge, fight or flight, freeze or collapse, etc), assessing the client’s capacity – how refined is their window of tolerance? – are all necessary competencies to know and understand before putting hands on and saying, “I can resource the nervous system skillfully.”

There is a very easy technique to resource and settle the ventral branch of the vagus nerve. It is called the Basic Exercise. This plus Visceral Manipulation techniques (balancing the sphincters, working with the visceral organs) and other forms of nervous system resiliency building can be really good for potentially managing hiatal hernias (and I suspect in preventing them). What I’m trying to say is: “Go see your doctor if you have unexplained symptoms or pain (especially around the upper left quadrant of your abdomen and which might include acid reflux).” You may also want to work with a complimentary medicine practitioner as well. Continue working with a doctor you trust for sure – you do not want this condition to get worse.

Ideally, you want to calm and soothe your nervous system before the stresses on the tissues, openings and sphincters becomes so great that a little tear develops. If you have pain, try to figure out what is going on, same for acid reflux. The old adage – “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” – can get people in trouble.

So go see your doctor or nurse practitioner first. And then do something healthy and positive (and hopefully efficacious) to reduce your stress. Somatic Experiencing, counseling, meditation (find a good teacher), yoga, qigong are all techniques and modalities which can do this. Having a competent teacher is important however – if they aren’t walking their talk, walk away ūüôā

Even if you have a hiatal hernia, you can still manage and soothe your nervous system. You can reduce the stresses and strains on your body. And I wonder – they say that a hernia NEVER improves or gets better (unless you have surgery) and not that I am disputing that (!).. but I wonder what would happen if you did a 30-day yoga-type retreat where you eat extremely easy to digest foods (think zero stress on the digestive tract), you receive shirodhara sessions daily (very relaxing oil treatments coming out of the Ayurvedia tradition), and you have daily access to Ayurvedia doctors and yoga teachers. “Miracles” can happen..

I offer bodywork treatments – Working with the Polyvagal System, Craniosacral Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, Integrated Massage and Asian Bodywork in the Charlottesville, Virginia area. Visit my website www.mkirbymoore.com to schedule an appointment.

Thanks for reading!

KM

Read Full Post »

Maureen Gallagher was my facilitator, I volunteered as the demo (session) and was very fortunate to be picked. We went deep. This was getting long so it will be split into two parts. The last part is the juiciest – I assure you! (Surprise surprise) Oh – so I did this demo in front of about 40 ppl, some of whom I knew, most I had just met two days earlier. Let’s just say this is a great group (for me to feel safe enough to work through these big chunks).

M = Maureen, K = Kirby

So take some deep breaths. Seriously, some of this transcript might be triggering. If you notice yourself checking out, then stop reading and give yourself some comforting little squeezes to your arms and or legs.

M: What’s it like to be the demo?

K: Challenging. M: Say more about that.

K: I’m experiencing an elevated heart rate. There is charge on the front of my legs.

M: What do you notice in your entire body as you hold that feeling of charge?

K: Several things: charge in my legs, oh – I want to get up and run out of here!

M: Can you take a few breaths?… [then] Are you okay if we stick with the impulse to run for a bit?

K: Yes. M: Can you describe in your body the feeling of wanting to run? [How do you know you want to run out of here?]

K: There are micro twitches in my calves. The charge in my thighs. All over.

M: Be with the energy as it moves through your body…. Notice your breath… Do you like to run?

K: Not anymore. But I used to run a lot.

M: Was there a place you enjoyed running? [favorite place]

K: Actually, I’m remembering a magical time where I half ran, half skied down Afton Mountain.

M: Can we stick with that? K: Yes

M: I want you to tell me about this running / skiing experience while staying really connected to your body. K: Okay.

M: Start by telling me about going up the mountain.

K: Well my parents’ dog came with me but left halfway up the mountain. But my neighbor’s dog came with me all the way up to the top. There was about a foot of snow on the ground, but the top inch had iced over – freeze / thaw cycles.

M: I’m noticing your legs are moving a little bit. K: Oh, right, they are.

M: Do you want to make some movements with your feet? Like this? [She lifted her heel off the ground, then her other foot.] … Can you press your feet down into the ground, alternating?

M: So where were we? K: I’m about to go running / skiing down the mountain.

M: Have you gotten to the top of the mountain yet?

K: Oh no, not yet.

M: Okay, so you made it to the top. What is that like?

K: I accomplished my goal. I made it to the Blue Ridge Parkway.

M: Great! What do you notice in your body as you say, ‘You accomplished a goal?'”

K: It feels good. Like I triumphed.

M: Good noticing! You triumphed. Can you sit with that for a moment?

K: [takes some deep breaths] Yes…

M: Is something else here besides the triumph? What else are you feeling?

K: Oh. There is sadness. Aside from the dog, I’m alone.

M: Right. Stick with “I’m about to go down the mountain.” Can you do that?

K: Yes. M: As I say this statement, check in with your body. See if it resonates: “Going down the mountain will be fun.”

K: Yes that resonates.

M: So it is going to be fun. How is it to look at the “fun” right now?

K: There is still some sadness.

M: How would it be with your body to set the sadness aside for a bit?

K: That sounds good…. [stifles a yawn] Oh I just stifled a yawn.

M: You don’t have to stifle anything. Let it move. Okay, so you are about to start down the mountain. What do you notice in your body?

K: I didn’t realize I could go so fast. M: So that was surprising? K: Yes.

M: With the surprise, what do you notice in your body?

K: There’s something here but it’s hard to get at.

M: Take you time…

K: The outcome is enjoyable… Oh – and trepidation.

M: Can you say more about the trepidation?

K: Yes, the part of me that would run down the mountain regardless of risks. Reckless? What if I sprain my ankle? I’m all alone.

M: So there are two parts: You are aware of a need to be careful. And a desire to just start down the mountain regardless of risks. Is that right?

K: Yes. M: Okay, is there anything about that [the careful part] which wants to be felt or known?

K: I am grateful that want to abandon caution. I’m normally quite cautious.

M: Good noticing. Can you feel that gratitude now?

K: Yes. M: So there is a cautious part of you and a reckless part of you.

K: Right. M: Can you see and feel both within you now?

K: Yes. M: Good. So you are abandoning caution. What happens next? [Kirby takes a large deep breath.] Oh that is a nice breath.

K: I’m starting to take longer steps. I crunched through the ice. Would this now be able to hold me?

M: Is there a better name that you would give the reckless part of you?

K: Uhhmm… adventurer?… No, pioneer!

M: Great! Experiment with that. So you are starting to run down the mountain?

K: Yes. The snow can only hold me at a certain speed. It can only hold me if I am going fast. [Anyone else see the attachment statement inherent in this line? Wow!] It sounds like a paradox.

M: And you noticed that… Feel your arms and your legs.

K: I feel more free. I was leaping and bounding down the mountain. It was like a once in a decade type of moment.

M: More like once in a lifetime moment! [Kirby exhales audibly with a sigh] Notice that breath and allow whatever else is present to arise… What else wants to come in?

K: It’s non-verbal. I can’t get at it.

M: It’s not verbal. Notice what’s happening in your body… See if you can just meet it… I hear you… I’m here with you… Now what do you notice?

K: I feel like holding a baby part of me.

M: How does the baby part respond to you holding it?

K: It appreciates it. Gradually. Like it was numb but it is slowly coming to… I’m feeling a headache around my frontal bone. [cranial bone]

M: I want you to slowly sense into your legs. What do you notice?

K: [Nods yes] M: Maybe there is something distressing?

K: Yes maybe in my chest.

M: Keep feeling your legs. Say, “this gets to be here and you can feel your legs.”

K: I’m feeling coolness… cold around my calves. It’s moving a little.

M: Can you see what you feel as it moves?

K: I want to do some squeezing. M: Good, do it. [Kirby takes some time to squeeze his calves on both legs, twice.]

M: How does it feel to squeeze your calves?

K: Grounding. Warming. Containing.

M: The coldness in your legs is some freeze energy coming out. Can you push your toes into the ground? Alternating feet. [Kirby does it for a bit.]

M: Now check in with your chest. What do you notice?

K: It feels… numb… no not numb. It feels a little collapsey?

M: Sense into that area with just a few tendrils of awareness.

K: In chest? M: Yes.

K: You want me to stay on the edges of it?

M: Yes… Oh can we do a couple guppy breaths? K: Yes. M: Let’s do them together. You open your mouth just a little… slowly… [They do guppy breath together.]

M: Now what do you notice?

K: I’m curious about my chest.

M: What do you notice there?

To be continued! And it is about to get juicy… ūüôā (stay tuned!)

Thank you for visiting!

KM

Read Full Post »

Prepare yourself. Seriously, take some deep breaths, think of a place that you enjoy or a person who feels like a safe protector / friend / ally / support. Or think of an animal you love…

Take your time. Notice what you feel in your body.

Come back to this whenever you feel activated or agitated.

Now to wax astrological for a minute – bear with me if you don’t speak astrologese. Normal English will resume in a couple of paragraphs!

Long ago, when transiting Saturn was in Gemini, square my natal Saturn / Mars, when the swift moving transiting Moon was conjunct my North Node (indicating that if I made it through this, it would be for the best in the long run), and most importantly, when transiting Pluto was almost exactly squaring my North and South Nodes (I find this pattern to be quite potent for the purification of negative karma, especially when another planet also squares the Nodes).

In addition, transiting Venus was trine my natal Uranus and square Natal Neptune around the night that I had the dream which told me explicitly that “I had appendicitis.” Transiting Sun was opposite my natal Saturn and conjunct my natal Mars, this is also a rough time of the year for me. Transiting Sun conjunct Mars is often a time of too much Mars – cutting yourself (I had done this under this influence – requiring stitches in my finger), getting speeding tickets (I’ve gotten 2 in separate years under this conjunction), etc. Finally my Progressed Sun was one degree from being opposite my Hades Moon – Pluto conjunct Moon in Libra. So this piece will also tie into my Hades Moon series from last week (go back a couple posts and you should find it).

So you basically know my whole chart, and if you are really good, you could tell me around what time this occurred. ūüôā

But don’t worry about that!

Okay, you know what. I’m not going to re-invent the wheel here. Go to this link and click on the 3 posts (starting with the Intro) about Near Death, Out of Body. https://astrodharma.me/?s=near+death%2C+out+of+body

Then you will have a good sense of what my session yesterday touched when I write about it soon. ūüôā

Remember to breathe and connect with your resources! Or come see me for a session. Or both!

Thank you for reading!

KM

Read Full Post »

If you are curious about what Process Buddhism is, then please go back to previous posts from December of 2008.  I attempt to describe this complex topic there.  Process Buddhism has elements from psychotherapy, Buddha-Dharma (Vajrayana), bodywork and trauma resolution among other potent, efficacious modalities.

Over the past few months, I had been suffering from some foggy-headedness as I was barely staying ahead of nursing school assignments and I was working full time.  Add to that watching the show Elementary and I had almost no time for me to rest down.  I was feeling a bit dissociative and I was on the verge of being overwhelmed almost daily.  So I called my friend and mentor and coach and bodywork teacher, someone who is a true spiritual healer, Janet Evergreen.  I have worked with her and taught workshops with her and learned from her since 2005 (in this lifetime).

When this new spring semester started, I was taking way too many classes and I did not use my few days of transition time very well, so when I started this semester of nursing classes, I was definitely overwhelmed.  Add to this a little health niggle I have been observing for a few months, and I was quite concerned that I could not handle my class load.

So I pressed the pause button on nursing school and I am taking care of me. ¬†A part of me is / was quite pleased with this decision. ¬†I am feeling more free and energized and relaxed. ¬†And a part of me is conflicted – there was one class which is only offered in the spring, so by pressing the pause button, I am basically setting myself back a year. ¬†This is disappointing. ¬†I desperately need to rest and I believe I probably could have scraped by and at least made a “B” in that class. ¬†I am still not entirely clear about my decision.

I knew I needed to “call in the big guns” as it were if I wanted to kick my old patterns and clear my head.

In my next post, I will go into detail about the session that I had.

So far, in the five days since, I am feeling more embodied, more potent, warmer and somehow more full.  Plus the pattern of beating myself up about withdrawing from that class is lessening.  I am practicing a little bit of metta loving-kindness everyday after that session and I am more in touch with my heart, gut, kidneys and body in general Рmore than I have been in months.

Therefore it was a great session.  Much needed.

Read Full Post »

The material is copyrighted by M. Kirby Moore.  Reproduction without permission is prohibited.  Thank you for visiting.

I want to start out this post by saying that I love my parents dearly and by doing some deep psychological and process-oriented work on myself, I understand my parents better and I am so grateful that they gave me the chance for this precious human rebirth.

As Uranus (transiting) crosses the opposition point to my Hades Moon РTr. Uranus is in Aries currently and it is about 1 degree away from exactly opposing my Hades Moon.  I have Pluto conjunct the Moon in my natal chart Рless than a degree separates these two unlikely bed-fellows.  This conjunction falls in my 3rd house in Libra.

The most obvious layer, and when I say obvious – I have had several astrologers just glance at my chart and they say within seconds: “Wow, you have a lot of karma with your Mom, don’t you?”, of a Hades Moon is just that – my perception of my Mother or my relationship to the person I see as my mother is quite complex. ¬†I am aware of the Hades Moon in my chart probably reflects the enmeshment which developed over my childhood years – an enmeshed relationship with my single mother (who did the best she could).

And my mother has Pluto squaring her Moon. ¬†So there is a good chance that a pattern of enmeshment has been “handed down” from her to me. ¬†This enmeshed relationship arose due to a number of reasons – first of which was that my Dad was not around much physically and when he was around, he was never emotionally or psychically present (sorry Dad – but you still have some psycho-emotional stuff to work on). ¬†Therefore I clung to my Mom as my source of nourishment and shelter etc.

The roots of this enmeshment go all the way back to my birth. ¬†When I was born, due to the Indigenous American Indian blood from my father’s lineage (a wonderful gift to say the least), I had a purplish rash on my back and butt. ¬†The doctors did not know what was “wrong” with me so they put me in the NICU – natal intensive care unit where my mother could only visit for an hour at a time or so. ¬†I was there for at least 24 hours – maybe closer to 36 hours and when I was deemed “non-contagious” and handed back to my Mom, something had changed in me and in her. ¬†I have intuited that she felt some subconscious guilt for letting the medical personnel take me and that inherently changed our relationship, tying yet another layer onto an already fated and possibly tangled relationship.

I feel like I could write at length about what I have learned from my Hades Moon.  About all the different permutations my liberation has gone through in terms of putting healthy space between my mother and I.  But I am writing this post today to mention a new piece of information.

I received some powerful bodywork yesterday that really rocked me to my core.  Some sessions are like that, others are more maintenance oriented Рless potent and more resourcing and relaxing.  But I had purposely scheduled

I received a session of Somatic Experiencing Рa.k.a. S.E. (blended with process-oriented pre- and perinatal psychological understand and probably with some Craniosacral Therapy thrown in for good measure).  In S.E., the goal is to get the client (me) to feel the emotions associated with challenges to the polyvagal system Рthat is the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system divisions also known as the Fight / Flight / Freeze system (sympathetic) or the Rest / Digest system.  The goal is to strengthen and resource and turn on the parasympathetic or Rest and Digest system.  But the way to do that is to clear the trauma (or emotions or misunderstandings) which are stuck in various body tissues Рclear where the body is stuck in Fight or Flight or Freeze status.  Obviously, this is very tender and vulnerable work, so I would only recommend going to see a qualified practitioner for it Рsomeone who has done years of work on themselves.

What is wild is that we have a choice. ¬†Once we determine what it is that is challenging the system or what misunderstanding or event is being held in the tissue (a fall, birth trauma, etc), then we can choose to do it differently in our minds – while being held by skillful, resourced, regulated, compassionate hands – and then this can lead to lasting neurological changes in the body. ¬†And it is awesome and potent and nourishing when it is all over. ¬†But I must say that occasionally the adage: “you must feel it to heal it” is appropriate, so sessions are not always comfortable – at least not all the way through. ¬†But they are well worth it.

Before I mention what I learned yesterday, let me mention one thing: double binds.  A double bind is a psychological term for a situation in which we have two or more choices and all of the choices have difficult or challenging outcomes.  For instance, many double binds happen every day when we have elective surgery Рif I get that mole removed, it means I will have to be cut and that is sharp and painful.  However, then I can get the mole biopsied and I will look better cosmetically.  So to keep the mole might invite danger.  But to get the mole removed means I will get cut.  This is a typical double bind Рoption A is painful but option B might be even worse down the road.

Likewise, many double binds occur for children. ¬†As kids, we are stuck with one or both parents, not having any actual options for running away from inappropriate care-takers. ¬†For instance, if we have the choice of suppressing our needs to prevent getting spanked, guess what? ¬†Most kids clam right up. ¬†This is a very common double bind. ¬†Suppressing our needs, somehow learning to not say “No!” in order to avoid the pain of spanking and our parent’s anger or wrath, is terrible either way – we put our foot down and say “No!” and then we get whacked or whipped. ¬†Or we learn to shut our mouths (and many people become pleaser / placaters / shape-shifters in the process of living these double binds).

So what did I learn in this last treatment? ¬†Or what double bind did I discover? ¬†As an aside, because Somatic Experiencing involves gentle, skillful hands-on time, when we do discover a double bind, we can slowly and skillfully help the client (in this case, me) to process it out of their system. ¬†I discovered that my kidneys were holding onto a lingering piece of the Hades Moon karma – that is, when I was young, it was sometimes difficult to stick with my mother (and even worse to spend time with my father – see the paragraph above) and yet the other option – of leaving her would have brought up the worst, most unthinkable terror so it really wasn’t a choice. ¬†Therefore, the essence of the double bind is that being with you is tough but any other option is horribly terrifying. ¬†Imagine the baby part of me – there is no grey area for babies – it is either I am safe and content OR I am in pain, or hungry, or afraid, or I have a dirty diaper. ¬†Therefore the baby part of me does not know how to ask for appropriate space. ¬†I wonder how many kids go through this at least at some point in their lives? ¬†Ack!!

But in my kidneys, and in my gut and in my meninges (around my brain) I felt this buzzing energy which only started to settle down when I admitted (acknowledged) this double bind and then using my adult resources – looking at the practitioner and realizing that I am safe, here and now, and looking around at the beautiful nature outside the windows – saying to myself, “May you (Kirby) be safe” and “May you kidneys be safe” – and bringing the session back to my child parts, saying now you have a choice. ¬†Do you want to feel the way it was back then (painful) or are you ready to try something different (possibly a win-win situation)? ¬†By realizing that my parents’ both probably suffered from this same double bind, I was able to compassionately hold them. ¬†So they are really off the hook – it is my karma which led me to this point and which led me to choose them as parents. ¬†They did the best they could with the resources available to them. ¬†And they did a great job! ¬†I was loved and well-fed and clothed and I was in a decent home throughout my childhood.

In the process of all this, I had to feel through several waves of fear.  Only once I felt the fear and slowly processed it and released it could I rest in a settled, less-reactive place.

And then my kidneys dropped down, resting back and relaxing; they both started to rock rhythmically back and forth indicating they were happy and grounded and felt safe.  My meninges (the shock-absorbing cushion layer around the brain) settled down, relaxed and the buzzing melted away.  And finally there was big spreading in my gut as the practitioner completed the treatment there.

Because it is still fresh in my system and because it involved childhood parts going way back, I expect the balancing to continue for at least a few weeks, possibly more. ¬†I am being more gentle with myself and lying down when I have the time. ¬†No use doing this deep work and then throwing a wrench in the works by pushing too hard or by doing an activity which causes my kidneys to clamp up again… ¬†ūüôā

So just to reiterate.  This is extremely deep work.  I have been doing process-oriented work on myself since 2005, receiving hundreds of treatments.  I still have work to do.  But you should not dive right in and expect these kinds of insights and shifts in the beginning.  It is a process, there is a learning curve and lasting results will take time.  Especially if serious trauma is involved.  PTSD can be slowly resourced, but it will take lots of time.  Remember to be gentle.  Go slow.  Breathe.

And may all beings realize that they have a choice: we can re-do parts of our childhood which were less than resourced and move into an awareness of why it was and how it can be different.  And then re-orient from there.  It is a beautiful process if you are willing to do the work.

Thanks for reading!

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »