further thoughts on winter retreat 2016

If you have not read my previous post (yet) I would recommend doing that as this is a continuation of that thread.

One of the questions or recollections to ponder after doing the 8 Jhanas practice is, what insights arose?  What were they?

I don’t think I had any profound insights (but the more you learn about wisdom is that it is usually the simple, organic truths that lead to happiness and peace of mind), but I did learn a little more about myself.

Over the past few years I have trained my mind to plough through obstacles, to push through exams and nursing school tests and classes.  I have developed a powerful brain for learning and memorizing (which a good nurse requires).  However, in the process of doing so, I have a really difficult time slowing down, shutting off, learning to relax and enjoy myself.  Thinking about what I would find enjoyable right now – hiking – involves pushing along a trail.  It all boils down to, left to my own devices, slowing down is quite difficult for me.

That is where the supportive, juicy, slow-paced, organic wisdom of the retreat comes in.  Forcing myself to sit or nap for one or two hours at a time was difficult, but rewarding.  Poetry arises only when the heart is at ease and open and spacious and relaxed.  I have not created much poetry in the past couple years.

If I got any insights from practicing, it would have to be to spend time doing absolutely nothing.  Just sit on the couch, look out the window, purposely go slow.  Just breathe.  And smile.  Cultivating joy is so important – especially in a life stretched near the breaking point with work and school.  Slow down and do something that brings my heart joy.  I want to do more of this in the new year.

It won’t always be easy to attain this.  In fact, most days I will have my schedule forced on my by work and nursing clinical days.  But those moments in between are mine.  I want to spend them relaxing and doing what brings me happiness. And I want to build in more good company.  Sitting at home most of the time is less than ideal – sure some down time is necessary.  Time with my dog is good.  Time on my cushion is good.  But I also want to go out and socialize with people who are supportive and on their own spiritual / healing / truth-seeking journeys.

I need to build in the efficiency without the harshness of mere-goal-oriented thinking.  Yes getting a “C” or better in nursing school is vital.  But I am okay with being close to the bare minimum.  And I will need to keep reminding myself of this every day.  I am smart so getting a “C” is actually unlikely, if I am disciplined.  Yes the NCLEX nursing board exam is a massive undertaking, but I don’t need to fret about that right now.  One right step at a time.

I feel like I am walking on the edge of a blade.  Teeter too far toward old patterns, and I could descend yet again into a dissociative fog for a few months.  Or I can continue to practice restraint, resisting old less-than-kind patterns (computer games, creating board games, etc) and when the time is right, do some virtuous activities.  I am changing my skin.  The serpent energy is becoming active (again).  Which choice will I make at this fork in the road?

I choose to lean into my wisdom and experience, to lean into my ability to be a good teacher down the road.  I have started co-teaching bodywork classes with Janet – she has urged me forward into this role and it is extremely positive for me.  Now I just need to keep on my path most the time.  It is those moments of down time in front of this computer where old weeds start to grow.  I must choose not to water them.  I intend for beauty and joy to flourish in the garden of my mind – might as well start planting those radiant trees now huh?

I might have to back off the Pre- and Perinatal Psychology (Birth Process work) learning that I started this past summer.  Nursing school is enough for now.  I intend to go up to Canada again to participate in the 2-week intensive of this potent material (PPN with Myrna Martin).  But January through May must be taken up with doing enough to pass nursing, working to support myself, and relaxing when I can.

During this semester I might be temporarily of less benefit to others, but that is okay.  I need to find what is sustainable and stable for me first.  This is my New Year’s resolution for 2017:

I am cultivating joy in my inner gardens as I embrace serpentine wisdom and shed old skins of ancestral patterns.

Thanks for reading!

Winter Retreat 2016

Every winter, my friend and mentor and bodywork teacher and coach, Janet Evergreen hosts a retreat for 10 days at her Sanctuary space.  Last year, I was going through a tough stretch and I did not make it to much, if any of that retreat, which I would later regret.

I say that because this retreat is like a sling shot for the new year.  It is a shot in the arm of Dharma juicy-ness.  Even if I could only do a couple hours a day of meditation, the combined space created a mandala of potency, of virtuous momentum and resourced support to lean into.

Due to work – December and the holidays are our busiest time of the year – I missed two days of the retreat.  Then with family in town, I missed another two days.  But I’m so glad I went to some part of every other day – six or seven days total.

I would be lying if I said I did not experience any resistance.  For instance, I woke up a couple of days at 5 am with the possibility of going to the 6 am session, only to choose to fall back asleep (! ^ !)  What can I say, I am human and sometimes a bit lazy.  I also needed my sleep as I have been quite stretched and stressed out with work.

The session I went to most often was from 10 am until noon, and then I would stay for a delicious, dynamic, organic lunch which was eaten in noble silence.  Occasionally there might be a little playfulness at lunch (silently) but for the most part we could all just enjoy our food at our own pace, in peace and quiet and good company.

From 10 until 11 am, we did a breath meditation (following, analyzing, shifting, exploring, stretching, resting of the breath) called the Anapanasati Entryways.  These were fairly powerful, but I never got through all 16 stages in one 50 minute segment.  Nonetheless, it was very potent just to track the mind and breathe, to track the body while breathing, to get distracted for a moment with thoughts and come back to the breath.  I would usually get through at least 4 or 5 of the stages of breath awareness – opening up to, deepening, refining, refreshing, calming, stabilizing the breath.  This was the hour where I usually experienced some resistance, so there was less enjoyment than I would have liked.  If this sounds interesting to you, go to http://www.liberationpark.org

But then from 11 am until noon, we did a practice called the 8 Jhanas.  This is more of an analytical meditation, where we are aware of our breath, then that fades into the background and we become more aware of a pleasant physical sensation (which can be as simple as a forced smile).  That pleasant sensation can become more intense and we can notice joy and happiness arising.  Etc etc and eventually it leads to contentment, equanimity, awareness of a boundless space around us, etc.  The end result being to rest in a vast open spacious aware of a tiny spot close to our face with our state of being having no characteristics.  This is extremely simplified.  See http://www.leighb.com for more!

One thing I especially like about the Jhanas is there is a recommended daily recollection to do before and after the practice:

  1. Aging happens, no one avoids it
  2. Illness and sickness happen, no one avoids it forever.
  3. Death happens, no one gets away from death.
  4. Everything that I love is and will change.
  5. I am responsible for my actions (karma).  My thoughts words and deeds create happiness or suffering.  I am born of my actions (karma).  I will inherit my actions (karma).  Whether good or evil deeds, I will always inherit my actions.

There are 5 things to do at the beginning of a session:

  1. Gratitude
  2. Why am I doing this (motivation)?
  3. Working up some determination – for instance, practicing for the benefit of all beings (self included)
  4. Wishing ourselves and others, well-being and happiness
  5. “Breathing in I calm my body, breathing out I smile.”

Then at the end of the session:

  1. Recapitulation – what did I do to get here?  How did I get here?
  2. Impermanence – whether highs or lows, our emotions, feelings, sensations are changing and are gone or will be gone shortly
  3. Insights – did I get any?  What were they?
  4. Dedicate the merit earned for the liberation of all beings
  5. Resolve to be mindful as I go about my activities

This is a good stopping point for now.  All in all, so glad I attended this year’s winter retreat.  Next year, here is what I would change to prepare better for it:

Start preparing for retreat weeks in advance – have all errands and nursing school requirements done by December 15th if possible.  Do all Christmas shopping (if any) before Dec 15th.  Do more resting down, self care and Dharma practice two or three weeks before retreat starts.  That way I can be more receptive to retreat mind mode.  This year, it was a bit jarring to be really busy up until retreat started and then to hit the brakes hard.  Fortunately I would still gain benefit from that less-than-kind version of preparing… but I could prepare better!

Thank you for reading!

Asking for donations to keep this blog going

Hello my dear readers,

I have been more active in blogging in days past, but I hope to continue to post juicy articles on Astrology, Emotional-process-oriented bodywork, Craniosacral therapy and the Buddha-Dharma.  I am staying busy with nursing school, so perhaps there will be some posts from that genre as well.

I am asking for donations to my PayPal account to keep this blog going.  I don’t need much.  $99+ will keep this blog going for a year, and then another $100 will keep my website up.  If anyone donates over $75, I will give them a free 60-minute Spiritual Astrology interpretation or if you are in the Central Virginia area, I will give you a 75-minute Biodynamic Craniosacral therapy treatment.

I would like suggestions on how to fund my writing projects without my spending money hosting free blogs.  In other words, my time is quite valuable and I need to be compensated for it.  If you want to donate $$, my paypal account is at mkirbymoore [at] gmail.com

Thank you and happy holidays!

Kirby

meditative art

I’ve been having fun painting over the past few months.  Not that I am producing much of any quality.  However, it has been fun to just play.  Sometimes I do landscapes, sometimes more geometrical abstracts, I tried to do a face painting…  it ended up looking like an evil Jesus…

But it is fun.  It is relaxing.  And now I am playing with coloring canvases – white canvases which have a drawing on them ready to color in.  For people like me, who don’t have the time and patience to learn how to draw and sketch (1,000 hours is a lot of time!), these are wonderful.  It is actually a meditation to learn how to patiently watch the piece unfold.  Sometimes I know what I want it to look like, mostly though I just observe as a discovery process emerges.  It does take time, but who knows, maybe come Christmas gifts might emerge (hence the reason no pictures yet).

moving color around,

having fun playing with shades and textures,

mostly staying in the lines,

watching my reaction when I don’t,

finding that these fancy pens blend the ink,

and actually going outside the lines creates beauty beyond expectation!

Inner thawing, outer cooling: more astrology in Nov 2016

I came back from a potent pre- and perinatal psychology retreat in early September.  I went deep, was fully resourced in the mountains of British Columbia, Canada.  However, on returning, I think my usual tendency to expect my expanded capacity to remain the same kicked in.  What I mean is that I needed to slow down, but I tried to do too much.  I was treating infants, treating bodywork clients, working full time and I started painting with acrylics again.  Fortunately, after a few weeks of speeding along and not feeling the same deep organic impulse that I had in Canada, I opted to only do one thing a day aside from my meditation and Dharma practice.  I am resting more.  I’m attempting to be more, and do less.

With that said, as my inner sense of urgency slows down and thaws out, I am noticing the impulse that is arising.  And it seems to be to do more astrology charts.  I have some talent, having put in 10 years of study and practice (hard work pays off)!  But it is different too.  In the past, when I would do an astrology chart, I would prep for at least 2 hours per client.  I would research all their little aspects and basically be prepared to answer any question they might have!  Now, I trust my intuition to take the session in the best direction they need it to go.  And if they ask a highly technical question about an obscure aspect, I may know the answer or I can say let me email you about that.  No problem!  So far people are quite happy with the information I discern from their charts (and their frequency).

I am excited about doing more astrology as of late.  Due to nursing school time requirements, I have only done a few charts in the past year.  However, I am setting up to do 3 or 4 charts in the next few weeks, so that is exciting!

I currently have Chiron transiting across my natal Sun, so I think that is helping my intuition be sharper and easier.  I literally just have to ask about something before I go to sleep and I tend to receive a dream about it.  Or I can occasionally meditate about a question and get an image or a phrase as an answer.  Pretty amazing how far I have come!  My confidence in my intuition is clear and backed up by years of meditating and right motivation.

If it weren’t for nursing school, I think I would be writing a book about Relationship Astrology.  This seems to be one of my areas of specialty.  Although I also do pretty well with Spiritual Astrology for the Natal Chart – psychological and karmic astrology of the birth chart.  Plus I always love Medical Astrology and the Timing aspects – learning the individual’s natal horoscope well and then interpreting how the transiting and progressed planets with affect that individual.  Also quite fun and I love how the process unfolds!  I rarely ever know fully what I am going to say ahead of time.  My intuition guides me successfully most of the time, and thankfully I have had some incredible teachers in the past who have shaped and formed my heart and mind and intuition.

Long story short, I am doing more charts before nursing school gets tough again in January.  Let me know if you are interested in having your chart done!  (a Spiritual Astrology interpretation makes the perfect gift for the holidays!)

Thanks for reading!

~kirby

Astrologically, what is going on now?

A friend just asked me, what is going on in the astrological skies?  At first I thought to myself, not much.  Pluto is not aspecting other major planets, neither is Uranus.  But then I realized that Neptune is indeed not quiet.  It is making a square to Saturn and has been off and on for at least the past 6 months.  It is strong again now as Saturn prepares to push past the square, until it comes to make a conjunction in late Pisces, 8 to 9 years from now.

So what does Saturn square Neptune mean?  And we could go even more subtle and ask what does the 2nd square mean (when Saturn starts to travel toward the conjunction)?

We can also peek at the signs and qualities involved.  Sagittarius and Pisces, both mutable signs.   For now however, let’s stick with the first question.

Saturn square Neptune: nuances flavors essences.  Saturn is the disciplinarian and “he” gets a bad rap at times.  But as I have mentioned in previous posts and articles, Saturn is vital for our society and vital for our inner growth.  It is the structure around which the other energies of the chart flow.  Saturn rules the bones and hard structures in the body and likewise without Saturn, the astrology chart might rapidly collapse.  And then there is Neptune.

Neptune rules the swirling, churning, tidal oceans of emotion and creativity.  He indicates mystical or psychic ability when positively aspects certain planets, and Neptune will indicate deception, delusion or illusion when making hard aspects with other planets.  Some astrologers even say that Neptune symbolizes the entirety of the unconscious and therefore Neptune will play some role in all aspects of the mind – thinking, intuition, feeling, etc.  Therefore Neptune goes really really deep.  Things emerge out of the oceanic collective unconscious and disappear back into it.  Therefore Neptune may even play a part in life and death myths.  (To keep this post close to 1,000 words, I won’t say too much here.)

Saturn wants to build up a personality.  And if the individual has to have more alone time, then so be it.  You rarely find a CEO or General Manager who has a lot of friends on equal footing.  More like a social butterfly who has learned to smile whenever it is needed.  The ambition (Saturn) is far more important than the substance of their relationships.

Neptune is actually quite the opposite.  Neptune says, let me sacrifice my own desires and personal achievement for the good of the collective whole.  Neptune would rather set himself on fire than cause a lot of harm to the people around him (say by laying off a whole bunch of employees as a CEO).  Neptune and Saturn are basically opposites in a number of ways.

Saturn’s shadow is workaholism and too much structure and rigidity.  Think of the shadow aspects of Capricorn and Aquarius (Saturn is basically a co-ruler here, after Uranus of course).  Cold, harsh efficiency.  A machine as far as optimal function and productivity are concerned.  The empirical scientist who turns and runs as soon as certain emotions are brought up or displayed.  Saturn loves the cold, hard facts.  Research and realism are Saturn’s domain.  He must learn to build in some heart and warmth and loving and kindness – and relaxing ease.  Take a vacation, no structure to the days and do some art when the urge strikes you (Saturn might have a difficult time with this at first).

Neptune on the other hand, his shadow is escapism.  Plain and simple.  Escaping from the fact that drugs were used at the person’s birth (this might show up as Neptune conjunct the Ascendant or Moon).  If this was the case, it could lead to the individual being really really good at dissociating from their body.  Neptune loves colorful romance and idealized rose-colored-glasses wearing fairy tales.  Neptune inspires the poets and the lovers and the artists and the playwrights.  Just make sure that deceit and delusion do not follow along with those artistic endeavors (substance abuse anyone – Neptune’s calling card).

So what can happen when Saturn’s realism confronts Neptune’s desire for escaping into the collective unconscious?  Sacrifice is one possible outcome.  Honestly it depends on what this configuration is falling on in an individual’s chart.  If Saturn is making a square aspect to Neptune in the sky above, but in your personal birth horoscope it is not actually touching anything (not in orb with any aspects to your personal planets) then you might not notice much at all.

However, if Saturn is making the square to Neptune above and in your personal astrology chart it is (the transit of these two planets) aspecting your Mars – maybe Neptune is conjunct your Mars by transit and therefore Saturn is also making a square to Mars, then you are bound to feel this energy.  In this case you might temporarily sacrifice your ability to stand up for your needs and your desires.  As the Saturn / Neptune square basically can last for 2 to 3 years, this might indicate that initially, you are making sacrifices and chewing on some old deep piece (subconsciously) and then once this aspect has been going a while you learn to stand up for yourself.  You do the healing indicated by Mar’s position and sign and aspects in your chart.  Maybe you overcome some self-doubt (if your natal Mars is making a hard aspect to Saturn or Neptune) or you overcome some early developmental piece through further learning and emotional process work.

Sometimes Saturn / Neptune hard aspects can indicate that Saturn is supplying Neptune’s active imagination with grist for self-doubt and worst-case-scenarios type of thinking.  If this is happening, I might suggest yoga or bodywork or mindful exercise (Tai Chi, Chi Kung, martial arts, swimming perhaps) to come back into your body.  This might especially be the case if this Saturn / Neptune aspect falls on or near Mercury or the Moon.

From a medical astrology standpoint (and I must make the disclaimer here that if you have a health issue, please take it right away to your nearest trusted licensed health care provider! *** seriously, I’m not a doctor ***), Neptune and Saturn can indicate a fascinating series of events as well.  Neptune can cloud health issues – you might go to the doctor with Neptune conjunct your Sun or Moon and the doctor doesn’t understand you correctly or shrugs your issue off as not being that serious (or if Mercury is also retrograde) reads your test results wrong – which can either be a disaster or an error that leads to your eventually getting good news after a bout of worrying. Neptune can throw a wrench in the medical astrology works.  And then there is Saturn.

Saturn can indicate a lowering of the immune system for a number of reasons – over-work, too much stress (may be you have been the primary caretaker for your aging parent for 6 months now and you are starting to get exhausted), etc.  When Saturn crosses the Ascendant, this is usually when we get a longer bout with a flu virus or other disease that comes from the immune system dropping temporarily.  This is especially true with Saturn conjunct the Ascendant, Sun or Moon (or making a square).  And if Neptune gets involved with these three planets / influences as well, there is sure to be an interesting few months of health ups and downs.

So to conclude this piece, Saturn and Neptune make for very interesting (and basically polar opposite) bedfellows.  Saturn is the solitary leader, the one blazing a new trail or climbing the career ladder.  Neptune is the delicate artist who is sensitive to very subtle layers of emotion and energy.  Neptune can sometimes indicate healing abilities – at least energetically (especially with a well-placed and well-aspected Chiron).  They both have interesting and varied forms of shadow sides.  And when they get together, growth and insight are likely – but it is through some suffering or sacrifice or suppression for a time.

Many things are possible when these two get together.  And thankfully, they have been close to each other for close to a year and now are starting to go their separate ways.  Astrology is a complicated subject and it is good to have a qualified astrologer look at your chart to take into consideration all the nuances and aspects.

Thanks for reading!

~km

 

 

 

Post PPN training: Mercury Retrograde, expanded mind, realistic capacity

As my readers may know, I recently returned from an edifying and serene and resourcing trip to Canada – British Columbia – where I learned more about pre- and perinatal psychology and birth process work.

During that training, my heart expanded along with my perceived capacity to get stuff done when I came back into the real world.  On the last day of the training, we sat in our groups of 3 (plus a TA) and discussed what our plans were to get support once we got back into our regular lives (outside of idyllic British Columbian mountain settings).

I recorded my plans and intentions and needs around support.  And that list, which I guess one could call a brain storming of sorts, was long and now that I listen to it again, it was quite overambitious.

I need to integrate the work (the emotional process work that I did myself and that I witnessed).  That is first and foremost.  Somehow though, I came back home with an expanded heart and I started filling up every morning of my calendar.  And then most evenings were spent at work (I work in a restaurant to pay the bills.  Although if I had my way, I would prefer to see more bodywork clients and not have to work.  The benefits are nice though.)

We are supposed to keep in touch with people from the training, but if I am filling up my time with connections up there, then my plate is still too full.  Even if it is full of good stuff.

I have given multiple bodywork sessions since being back, including to a Mom and baby who was born via C-section.  And I had to pause the next day and say, “Do I need to treat myself for shock?”  (I had also seen a bear while hiking by myself not too far from Charlottesville.  A surprising if not shocking experience of sorts.)  And the answer was a “yes.”  So I did that.  I lay down.  I had a heated pad on my kidneys.  I drank some warm tea.

Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, I am going even slower.  Maybe now my integration can actually begin.  What am I doing differently?  First of all, I am not actively calling others to schedule anything.  If clients call me, that is great.  Then I say yes and schedule them.  But this week I have two days off and on one of them I’m not scheduling a damned thing.  And on the other day off, I am going hiking with a friend of mine.  (after the bear incident, I am thinking I might hike with other people more often.)

My schedule is still pretty full.  I am assisting in a Polyvagal class one morning a week – where I get to drop into a deep state of resourced potency and more clarity and occasionally I receive a free treatment from one of the students in the class.  I also have to give bodywork but this can also be resourcing.  Sometimes I feel I too receive healing (or at least I am forced to rest in alignment) when I give bodywork.

But outside of treating the occasional baby and the weekly client, I plan to take it easy for the month of October.  Of course, if you want to chat about your astrology chart, look me up – email is kirby [at] mkirbymoore [dot] com    I am looking forward to doing some astrology in the next few weeks.

I was surprising everyone up in Canada.  I mentioned that I started first with astrology (back in 2003) – before I got into bodywork.  So of course several people wanted me to peek at their charts.  I was just saying the first thing off the top of my head about the various aspects and configurations I was seeing and it seemed pretty spot on.  My intuition is definitely sharper at the moment.

The moral of the story is that I am slowing down more than I have been the past couple weeks.  I am happy to see 2 or 3 bodywork clients a week (and I need to schedule down time for me after I see them).  And I am happy to start doing astrology interpretations again.  I have taken a 6 month hiatus for some reason – haven’t done many charts in a while.  But it was great fun to chat about astrology up in Canada, so I see it happening more here.  And I need a designated day off with nothing on my docket.  Finding a balance between doing just enough versus doing too much is not easy for me.  My intention is more being and less doing.  I am curious about what that looks like.

Wish me luck (in slowing down)!

Thanks for reading,

~km

treated a baby (and Mom) who was born via C-section today

I have permission from my friend to share a little about her experience today.  No names so her identity will remain anonymous.  [And by the way, I am not a doctor.  I do not claim to be able to treat, diagnose, prevent or cure any disease or conditions!  If you have medical questions, you should speak with a licensed practitioner.  And doctors have phenomenal training in the biomedical model and treating pathophysiology issues and delivering babies.  And there might be room for improvement as well.]

I learned a lot in Canada during the PPN (pre- and perinatal psychology / birth process) training.  And of course I realized that I have a lot more to learn as well.  Sometimes though it is funny how my brain works – it is as if I have a little super-man sitting on my shoulder saying, “Hey – you have discovered all 8 steps to treating babies.  You can name them all.  You obviously know what you are doing!”  {by the way, 8 is an arbitrary number there – just using it as an example.}

And then I get in there and give a treatment and have to call my teachers because 10x more questions arose than I could answer!  And I desperately need a debrief!  Minds are funny sometimes.  So no I don’t fully know what I’m doing.  But yes my intuition is extremely sharp and yes I have learned many tools for treating adults and kids and babies.  And I have some knowledge.  But I have a ton more to learn!

I honestly cannot believe how cold and distant and harsh and ignorant hospitals can be.  Not all hospitals.  (And yes, this is a nursing student saying this.  However I am an extremely well-educated nursing student when it comes to Emotional Quotient – I have done more than a decade of work around educating my heart to be more kind to self and other, to have more clarity, to have authentic compassion for self and other and to speak my truth to power.  And I have done a great deal of birth process work on myself with authentic mentors and coaches and teachers.)

In treating my friend, who recently gave birth via C-section, I got to see how little some doctors know about trauma and how to prevent trauma and how to resolve trauma if it occurs.  We have to educate them!  I feel like I am almost ready to be that person to provide trainings for them, but I don’t have enough credentials after my name.

I intend to go through my treatment of my friend and what she said about how the birth was and where I feel like it, I will say, the doctors did well and here’s where they could improve.

She went in for a check up because her due date was the following day – she was huge and she was ready for the contractions to start and she wanted to have a natural birth.  Vaginal birth.  During the check up, of course they did an ultrasound (which may not be necessary by the way – a good mid wife can determine which way the baby is oriented without the high pitch ultrasound which has been shown to hurt baby’s ears).  And the baby had turned breech – feet down.  So they basically did not give her an option.  They said they needed to do a C-section within the next few hours.  She did not have a doula.  She did not have a midwife.  She had not done any research about her options.

Yes, breech birth can be dangerous.  But some midwives specialize in doing breech births and those births are successful.  And more importantly perhaps, is that some midwives (or even some OBGYN’s) have learned how to work with the baby to turn.  It might have an hour or two, but they could tried!  [Full disclosure, I don’t know if there were any other reasons for her having a C-section.  Her primary language is Spanish, so her husband was translating some of our conversation.]

Let me call a pause right there and let that sink in.  Here was my friend, excited about and anticipating having a natural vaginal birth and suddenly she has just an hour or two before she will be drugged (epidural – needle in her spine) and cut open, having the baby pulled right out of her.  That is scary shit.  And if you unpack all the layers, there might even be some anger deep down there towards the medical system for letting you down.  And if not anger, then guilt might arise because she was so attached to the idea of pushing and having a natural labor and delivery.  So, we might want to pause for a long time and unpack all these layers…  But she didn’t have that option.

So she had one to two hours to prepare for a major surgery that she did not expect to need to have.  Let me just repeat, that is scary shit.  And it has also been shown that fear closes down the pelvis – meaning that even if a good midwife had been with her, after the doctors told her about needing a section, there would be even less of a chance of having a successful breech birth.

They did not give her a choice.  Her English is not good so I don’t think she asked any questions or expressed her needs.  She needed a birth advocate.  Really.

Therefore, instead of trying to work with the baby first, knowing that she had a C-section.  I asked if I could work with her first.  She asked me if that was really necessary, saying that she was pretty much fine.  And I said, let me just put my hands on your arm and listen for a few minutes.

So she lay down.  I have a bit of training with Kathy Kaine’s Touch Skills for Therapists (Trauma Resolution).  I also have a lot of training doing emotional process oriented bodywork via Craniosacral Therapy, Zapchen Somatics and Process Buddhism.  So if you ask me exactly what modality I was using, I would say primarily the trauma resolution piece and it was also informed by the different layers of primary respiration (what tides of cerebrospinal fluid movement was she in?).

It did not take long to start “working.”  I was holding her forearm, and after checking on the contact – was it comfortable, etc, I started listening to her skin with the proprioceptors in my hands and fingers.

Within about 3 to 5 minutes, there was a definite sensation that I felt as outside person – it was gritty and big and scary and rough and it was almost like she was being bullied by something.  I asked her if she noticed anything.

She said yes!  She wondered if I was pulling something out of her.  I said it was mainly her body doing the healing.  In truth, I definitely wasn’t pulling anything out of her into me!  I was just a coach and a container and a compassionate, unconditionally caring witness.

She said it felt weird and scary.  I said that sounded about right.  She said (that in spite of my only holding her forearm) that it felt like something was being pulled out of the wound in her pelvis.  I felt that too.

That strange sensation lasted about 2 – 3 minutes.  Then I felt cold.  There was cold energy coming off of her skin.  I asked her about that.  And yes she said, why is it cold?

I asked, was it cold in the operating room and her husband said yes!  She was shivering a bit at times.  I think she was kept cold to keep the blood flow down.  I also said that terror and fear can lead to frozen tissue and that it was good that the cold energy was releasing.

After about 5 minutes of her releasing the cold energy, a new sensation arose.  The time numbness.  Again I asked her about this.  And yes, she said she noticed it.  I asked her how it was to be drugged.  She said that she couldn’t move properly for about 6 – 8 hours after the surgery.  I said the numbness might be the memory (or the actual) of the drug moving out of her system.

Then she finally relaxed more and said she felt warmth.  I let her sit with that for a few minutes (I wanted to purposely go slow.  To slow things down.  Because the surgery and the birth were probably way too fast).

Then I asked her how her digestion was.  She said not good.  I asked if I could put my hands on her belly.  Sure she said.

I listened for a few minutes and felt a few slow, sluggish spots in her digestion.  Then I remembered that Balancing the Sphincters – a quick technique I learned in Visceral Manipulation classes – might be good.

Checking her sphincters, I found that the second one – the Pyloric sphincter (from the stomach to the duodenum) was basically not moving.  Often times the digestion will be sluggish resulting in a sluggish sphincter, but I listened for a minute or two and no movement!  So I did the rebounding technique to reset it and sure enough.  A couple minutes later it was moving on its own again.  Yay!  Of course, due to the pain killing medication which probably had some narcotics (opioids) in it, that is a part of the reason her digestion would be disrupted.

She started to fall asleep during the treatment, so I figured that she had had enough.

In just 30 minutes of listening to her system, providing a safe space (container) for her body to release that traumatic memory, and occasionally explaining what I was doing, she released a lot!  But honestly we probably only went through 3 or 4 layers of trauma.  I’m sure there is more.

I must say that her surgery went splendidly.  I did not see the wound but hopefully it is healing well and hopefully the surgeon did a great job of stitching her up.  The doctors did a great job of assisting the baby be born.  And her husband was right there with her the entire time, so that was good for her to have an ally and friend in the room.

If the doctors had some training in trauma prevention or resolution (and if they had a well-trained midwife on premise) most of this work might not be necessary.

And of course I am looking forward to doing a debrief with my teachers about what I could have done better and how I can treat the baby for shock – treating mommy was relatively easy (because I am used to working with adults).  I am probably heading back over there to work with the baby in a week or two.

Thanks for reading!

~KM