Meditation Informs Healing Facilitation

Rebirth continues

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Well yesterday I made the announcement that I am moving to Florida. So it is happening 🙂

I still feel like Virginia is home and there is something about Central VA that is softening. There are no big cities, there are beautiful mountains and the wildlife is vital without being dangerous (not that I worry about that in FL). So I am going to miss being a Virginia resident. But it is time to move on. It is time to open a new chapter in my life. I’m still not entirely certain why I am being called to move there, but I have some ideas. Before I share any of those however, I want to continue with my theme about this move being a major transition. Big enough even to compare to my actual birth.

So I have been staying at my parents’ home in Afton Virginia – another beautiful area in the Rockfish Valley. It has been good overall to spend time with my folks and my “little” 6’4″ brother Stephen – he is finally able to compete with me mentally and physically. So I am thoroughly enjoying my time here before I move. It was very interesting though – recently they had a guest over. I had some of my stuff outside of the guest room, and understandably my mother put it in my room. Well let me share that the guest room in their house is a mighty 8′ by 8′ – it is tiny! So with my boxes and suitcases already covering the unused parts of the room… there is presently no room to step around the bed. It feels like my room (womb) is getting tighter and tighter. I am feeling more and more (energetically) unwelcome here and it is time to get on my way.

I am excited about checking in with little Kirby parts of myself regarding this move. I am realizing more and more that I was born with at least a few wisdom beings around me, they helped me through some of the birth traumas I had to navigate and they are also encouraging me (this is all speculated – I do not speak with them yet) to grow and move forward. I do believe that I am a spiritual being having a human experience now. And I think that baby Kirby knew this. I think I had some pretty ambitious agendas lined up when I was born and thankfully I suspect I may still be on track for some of those.

When I go to Florida, I am initially unable to practice process oriented bodywork (Craniosacral Biodynamics, trauma resolution, embodiment coaching) until I am licensed to touch. So that is one of the first areas I am going to explore – when and where could I start massage school? I wonder if I am going to be teaching workshops soon after I get settled. That is definitely a possibility. And of course I am continuing to do astrology interpretations for clients week in and week out.

So I am being mindful of this process. I have shipped most of my books down there already and they are waiting for me to depart. Just have to say good bye to several more friends, wrap up with some clients here and then I will be on my way.

Thanks for reading!

Chance for a re-do, new transition, re-pattern please

What in the world does this title imply? I have studied and experienced a lot of process-oriented bodywork and pre- and peri-natal psychology. This means I am aware of many facets of my birth process and I have done some work in healing misunderstandings and resourcing wounded childhood parts of myself. Let me explain in a little more depth.

When I was born, first I had the umbilical cord wrapped twice around my neck. I did not need to be resuscitated but I am sure this was one birth trauma. Second, the medical staff felt they had to use forceps to pull my head out of the birth canal. This is another birth trauma. And third, and possibly the most traumatizing, was that because of my Indigenous American blood, I had dark splotches on my lower back. Well, the doctors in Hawaii had never seen anything like this before, so I was taken from my mother and placed in a NICU for at least 12 to 18 hours. This was definitely a third birth trauma. Research has been coming out recently about the need for babies to have skin to skin contact with mother to be psychologically resourced and to feel safe. Because as the newborn baby orients to its world, unconsciously its nervous system is deciding: “is this world safe or do I have to struggle to survive?” Although, let’s be honest, this unconscious decision often gets made long before the baby is born. If the mother is struggling, or making a major move, or working in a stressful job, or dealing with stress in the relationship with the father, then those stress hormones will probably already have the baby in utero deciding that the world is not a safe place.

With this context in place, now why do I have the above title?

Because I am about to move to Florida. This is going to be a major transition for me. And I am now in charge. And due to the large amount of personal growth work I have done on myself, this is the most conscious I have ever been in this lifetime. Therefore, if I notice feelings arising with regard to this big move, I can now slow down and say, “Okay body. I hear you. I feel [blank]. Now what do I need to come back into alignment?” (for instance) Yes I have moved about a dozen times previously, but those moves were all within Central Virginia – I had friends, family, teachers and I knew the area very well. In Florida, I have one spiritual teacher who I know well and a handful of friends and acquaintances and that is it. I don’t know the area and I don’t have a job. Plus I am not able to practice bodywork there until I become licensed to touch. So this transition is huge for me!

What I am trying to say is that my upcoming move to Florida is like entering a new world. Similarly, when I was born, it was like entering a new world. So I am comparing and contrasting my birth with my move. But now I am more conscious than I was as a newborn. So I will have more choice in how ease or challenging this present transition is.

And judging from the description of my birth above, there are definitely reactive childhood parts of me still deep in my subconscious who are influencing my emotions and making their own judgments about what is going on around me. Therefore it is my intention to do things at a manageable pace. I am slowing down enough to stay grounded and present in my body, despite the rare days when I start to drift away. And luckily I have set things up so that I do not have to find a job ASAP upon arriving in FL. That would be nice, but I need for that job to be part-time or very supportive. Too much stress and I am just repeating old lessons that lead to pain and suffering – NO THANK YOU!

With all this said, I have set certain boundaries and I intend to maintain those with regard to dates and my activities. If I feel I need a day off, then I am taking it. If I have a busy few days, then I would like to have the day prior to that window be slow and gentle. I am proud of myself so far. I have been fairly disciplined and I am noticing what is arising without too much judgment. Yay! <Patting myself on the back.>

Now I just have to take things one day at a time and stay relaxed and alert. We will see if I can manage this massive transition with ease and grace. And we will see if I can notice the reactive childhood parts of me as they raise their yellow and red flags of concern, and then I will sooth them and tuck them back in, safe and snug until I am ready to work with them (on my time of course).

Thank you for reading and wish me luck!

Recent Insights

In speaking with a friend recently, I articulated an inner conflict I have been noticing for quite some time. This is not new, and it is certainly not unique to me. In fact I wrote about something in a post not too long ago.

Some context: Most Christians and Catholics (this is what I know from how I was raised, but I suspect that perhaps Judaism and Islam may be similar to what I am about to describe) go through some form of self-inflicted guilt trip, which actually stems from a wrong view within their philosophy. The idea that we are born sinful is erroneous. Don’t worry, this is not the reason I am writing this post. I do not want to attempt to knock anyone over the head with the theory that their religious book is wrong. If you feel your religion works for you, then stick with it!!! You may just want to check in with your body though, when you are still and calm and ask, “which do you prefer, the concept that there is original sin? or the concept that we are all born with at least a drop of purity, a potential for wisdom and compassion?” Just a thought…

So we have established that A) I was raised Christian and B) that most Christians have the mistaken belief that they are born sinful and somehow dirty or tainted. This led me to feel guilt on a number of occasions – including the mistaken belief / saying that “idle hands are the devil’s workshop.” In other words, I felt that if I was not moving toward a goal, if I was not busy, then I was “doing it wrong.” And of course, on a deep level, this feeling that I am evil for having been born will in fact take years to root out and eliminate. But I am getting there.

As it turns out, if you are regular reader of my blog you will already be in the know here, I am a Buddhist practitioner. My mother, who is a devout Christian, told me, “Kirby, I think you were actually a Buddhist before you know what that meant.” I think she was right. When I met my Tibetan teachers in the lineage I felt closest to, I really felt as if I had come home. I felt that the practitioners studying and practicing in that lineage were the closest thing I knew to family. Yes my family of origin is close to me and I am very blessed to have them in my life, but they are not spiritual family. There are some secrets they may not ever understand about me and me about them.

Why am I mentioning this? Because I have establish that I was raised Christian and that led to having a lens of guilt – my perception is / was skewed by the guilt. And now that I am a Buddhist practitioner, guess what. I simply shifted my focus from Christianity, to atheism, to exploring multiple religions, to Buddhism. But my guilt-infused lens has stayed with me. And I only realized that recently. Hopefully I can make a breakthrough soon. Let me explain further.

In Buddhism, like other religions, there are constant refrains of “don’t be lazy,” “don’t waste any of your precious time,” “being in a human body with a functioning mind is a rare, rare opportunity – don’t waste it!” And then there are a number of preliminary practices called the Ngondro meaning to go before or do before. And these take someone who is extremely dedicated 3 hours of practice a day for about 5 years. That is not me (not anymore anyway). I was able to devote three hours a day of practice for about 3 months, then I fell off the Yogi Wagon 🙂 And that is okay! I have to realize that as we meditate day in and day out, our perception and our capacity will shift – should shift! If we just continue to do the same practice every day for the rest of our lives, where is the growth? Where is the maturation? Where is the transformation? Now, if this is a completion stage practice, and if we are truly ready for such an advanced practice, then maybe it would be good to stick with it for a long time. I don’t know. I’m not there yet. But I hope you see my point – as we grow, as our capacity shifts, our practice should shift as well.

Moving toward conclusion, I am a Buddhist practitioner who, up to this point, has brought a guilt-infused lens of perception to focus on a new religion. Realizing this, hopefully I can relax just a little bit more and stop being so hard on myself when I don’t do any preliminary practice in a busy day. Just taking three mindful breaths can be a daily, wholesome practice (as the sublime monk Thich Nhat Hahn mentions).

Now, I am still walking a delicate balance with my root lama, my Guru. I wish to put his advice into practice as swiftly as possible while being gentle and as kind to myself as possible. This shifts from day to day, but if / when I find more of a stable balance, and after I practice it for a while, I might pass along whatever little insight I discover. Until then, I am going through life one breath at a time, softening wherever possible.

Thank you for reading.

Horary Astrology

I am presently studying Horary Astrology – a slightly different use of the Western Astrology chart. It is primarily used as a divinatory tool. A lot of the rules are the same regarding the planets, aspects and the houses, but the Horary chart is used to answer one or more questions about an upcoming event / situation / possibility. Then the chart is no longer needed.

If anyone is interested, I am offering a special offer. I am looking to practice with at least 10 people, and through September 15th I am offering a Horary chart interpretation for $35. Basically if you have (a) question(s) about an upcoming event or application or promotion or situation, the interpretation can tell you “Yes” or “No” or “Not now” and it will tell you how the event will proceed (how it will end and any potential obstacles along the way).

Let me know if you are interested. You can call me to set up an appointment at 434 (area code) 465.0603

Enjoy the rest of the summer!

Further torma videos

Continuing the videos from the torma making class with Drupon Thinley Nyingpo, see below. This was for an Amitayus long life retreat but he said that the main offering torma – the kator – can be used for other practices as well. I would suggest asking your teacher which torma you should use (I personally know very little about it). See the previous post for more info on how to make tormas (and another video).

Note the ice water required for shaping the butter:

Watch as the torma is complete! Wow!

Thank you for visiting!

Torma making class

This material is copyrighted by M. Kirby Moore. Reproduction without permission is prohibited. You can visit Kirby’s website at http://www.mkirbymoore.com to purchase Astrology interpretations and bodywork sessions. Please support Kirby’s blogging efforts. Thank you and enjoy!

I recently attended parts of an Amitayus long life retreat at Drong Ngur Jangchubling in Wesley Chapel, Florida. Drupon Thinley Nyingpo gave the empowerment and then led the six days plus of practice. It was very potent and clarifying for me, as I would drop in for one or two sessions each day and then rest and integrate.

Drupon la gave a short demonstration of how to make Kator – the offering torma for Amitayus (and other practices). This is the torma that is left on the shrine until one accomplishes their intended accumulations (usually 100 K). The smaller ong chu (sp?) bloom looking tormas are offered to the main torma during each meditation session.

Drupon Thinley Nyingpo mentioned that one can use barley flour, roast barley flour (tsampa in Tibetan), oat flour – just not wheat flour. There is a special type of Malaysian butter which melts at higher temperature. If one can get a hold of this butter it makes shaping the butter parts easier. Regular butter works also but you will need to fill a bowl with ice cold water and shape the butter under the water (so it does not melt all over your hands).

One thing not mentioned in the videos – Drupon la said that one should always add the six types of medicinal herbs to a torma mix – just a pinch is fine. The ingredients of the six medicinal herbs are as follows:

saffron

nutmeg

green cardamon powder

black cardamon powder

cloves

and the final ingredient is very difficult to obtain (may omit if unable to acquire it), it is a white clay substance from the waters around Mt. Kailash region of Tibetan called Chugang (sp?)

See the comment below by Cameron for further info on these 6 medicinal herbs.

Good luck with your torma making!

Eastern practice, Western mind

I write this post as I am presently in Florida, checking out the Tampa area to see how I feel about living here. I want to be exploring the area more but I also feel pulled to go to retreat as well.

I am writing this post because I grew up in America – Hawaii for a seven plus years and then Virginia for more than 25 years. In being raised in the West (and actually, many “Eastern” cultures are now using a Western paradigm, so this post may apply to a varied demographic), I developed a tendency to feel like I always need to be doing something. I always need to be working toward some goal. A day spent not accomplishing anything is a wasted day, a day to feel guilty about… I could go on, but you know how this ends. The rat race continues, but I am consciously stepping out of it. This is not an easy process. It is messy and there are not many examples to follow to see if I am “doing it right.” In previous posts, you may have noticed how I have studied with a Western teacher named Julie Henderson (PhD) who coaches that kindness to self is more than just taking an hour or two a day for self care needs. She mentions that we need to be extra vigilant about the ways in which we are hard on ourselves, especially if we are the anxious, pleaser, hyper vigilant, or depressed sort of individual. It is time to slow down and truly track what our bodies are trying desperately to communicate. Do not wait for the nasty crisis to indicate that it is time to change jobs and create an easier lifestyle! If you are wondering, she created or gathered a set of playful, creative, mischievous exercises (breath, sound & movement) which she calls Zapchen Somatics which helps to come down out of our heads and land comfortably in our bodies.

With this context in place, I am a Buddhist practitioner. Or at least, I do my best. However, my rat-race-conditioned-mind makes it difficult to claim a Buddhist lineage when I “do so little practice” in a day. In other words, all I have to do is think the words, “I am a Buddhist practitioner” and guilt instantly arises. Why is this?

One reason is that when the Buddhist texts were written, it was in a different culture and a different age. In ancient India, or Nepal, or Tibet, there were no radios, TV’s, videos, face books, twitters, cell phones, etc. So their pace of life was much different from our Puritan-work-ethic-influenced lifestyles. I am confident that there were some days or even weeks when there was no grain to plant or harvest, there were no wars to fight, and people either could not read or grew tired of it. So that left nothing to do except sit around and drink tea or smoke pipes, etc. The key words here are sitting around doing very little.

This point was brought home to me as I listened to a Dharma talk by Dr. Hun Lye, the president of Urban Dharma center in Asheville, N.C. He reiterated that applying the Western work ethic and self-deprecation to the ancient Dharma texts will only lead to trouble. Here is why – realizing that there were days or weeks in ancient India where people just sat around literally accomplishing nothing, the Dharma texts (sutras and commentaries) state explicitly that one should not be lazy, that one should apply oneself day and night to right action. Not a single second should be wasted! Those words are meant for “lazy” ancient cultures. They are not meant for our frenetic, buzzing, high-speed brains.

Fast forward to today when we have every technological convenience imaginable (and every type of technological distraction available!), then we suddenly have busy busy minds and lifestyles where we desperately need to slow down. But we don’t know how to slow down. We don’t think it is okay to slow down. We feel guilty when someone suggests that we take a vacation because we are working too hard. Generally it takes some sort of crisis to jolt us out of this horrifyingly brutal pattern of self-flaggilation. To answer my question above – how is it that I am being kind to myself and slowing down, and yet I have this deep-seated need to be finishing as much accumulation of Buddhist practice as possible – RIGHT NOW. This dynamic leads to a very complex (and time and energy wasting) inner dialogue. Some days I set off with the sky as my goal and of course I am disappointed when I fall short. Luckily, these days I notice faster and faster the ways in which I am biting off way more than I can chew. But I still have guilt around this topic.

I am presently “attending” a Buddhist retreat where we are accumulating Amitayus mantras. Amitayus is a manifestation of Buddha Amitabha and Amitayus is one of the long life granting manifestations of enlightened mind. We “should” do Amitayus practice before starting a major practice to ensure we have the vitality and strength to complete said major practice. In this practice, we are aiming for 100,000 mantras each.

What if this is unrealistic for me? Then I would be going against my root lama’s wishes, right? What if I am truly listening to my heart? I have spent years doing psychological-astrology analysis of my chart, years receiving process-oriented bodywork and further years of embodying forms of bodywork and yoga. I am about as grounded and embodied right now as I have ever been. I am aware of most of my gross psychological fallacies (misunderstandings, conditioned habits, etc). If there is an inner lama, perhaps I am just starting to hear “his” words of wisdom. I don’t know. I definitely do not make this arrogance-inducing claim. I just wonder if I am starting to hear “his” faint whispers which are urging me to listen to my body, to listen to my heart and to let the old tapes of guilt and ensuing confusion drop away.

Anyway, on the first day of the retreat, I noticed many layers of resistance and frustration arising. I tried to lie down and then return to the practice. This simply led to a pause and then further frustration. So I left early. And do you know how guilty I felt for departing prematurely? I actually wondered if I would make it home safely because perhaps the wisdom beings might be upset with me (although in reality it is my own karma which determines this). So when I returned yesterday, I felt humiliation, guilt and sadness among other less than savory emotions. But I kept most of this to myself. When I worked up the courage to approach my teacher, he was joyful and equanimous as usual – as if nothing had happened! I’m not even sure he was aware of my having left early. Ooph! Good grief – all that self-deprecation for nothing 🙂

So I pushed myself yesterday. There were some occasional pangs of pain as my post-shingles neuralgia pain came and went. There were one or two contractions in my belly. But overall I pushed through these on purpose. I had a dream which indicated I would benefit profoundly from returning to retreat. That is why I pushed forward. I did a lot of mantras in six hours. I am very proud of myself. I rejoice at my accomplishment. But who knows what I stirred up in the process.

I say that because today I woke up and my sinuses have decided that a dam has crumbled – they are draining like I have a winter-time cold. So I threw the I Ching to be clearer about my situation. Do I go to retreat ASAP? No – that would be unkind. Ah ha! Do I do one session today only and rest before and after? Yes, that is good. Ahhhh…. Having that reassurance, I can relax deeper and feel good about missing the morning retreat sessions. Things change, impermanence is guaranteed. What can I control? My reactions to that change. Just do my best, let go just a little bit more. And check in every day – am I being as kind to myself as possible? And perhaps kindness will take many different forms – one day I will do 10,000 mantras and another day I will purposely accomplish very little, allowing my mind and body to rest down and relax deeper. I don’t promise to feel good about accomplishing very little, but I am coming around!

Thank you for reading!

Potential moves

In a few days, I am heading down to Tampa Florida to investigate jobs and schools. I am seeing if it is a good fit to move to. My heart is saying “yes!” It is emphatic. There are so many unknowns that this is probably one of the most challenging times in terms of staying grounded and present in my body. However I am doing a surprisingly good job of it.

Previously I had considered moving to California for grad school. Several factors have turned my attention toward Florida including my spiritual teacher living there (when he is not traveling with a busy teaching schedule). Plus I have a number of friends from previous Buddhist retreats who live in or near Tampa.

I keep hearing that Tampa is the lightning capital of the U.S. So that plus tornados, hurricanes and gators makes it a precarious place to live apparently. But 4 million people seem to do just fine. Then there is the heat for a few months which many people talk about avoiding if at all possible!

But then my other option (was) is California which, after my recent visit this July, seems to be the driest area in the country. Seriously – how is it that 50 million people live in what in nearly a vast desert? Where is all that water coming from and how are they getting away with taking it? 🙂 Maybe Nevada doesn’t care.

As I am in the midst of moving, I can barely make plans for Florida other than to plan my trip. I do intend to look for jobs and to visit at least 3 schools to see if Nursing or an MSW is the right path for me. I will need to establish residency there before starting school, so I have to hurry up and wait. Ugh! But I am excited about this fresh start. Yes I have some friends and acquaintances down there but I can basically be whoever I want. I will keep you posted.

Thanks for reading.

Wish fulfilling temple at LMB

I attended the Land of the Medicine Buddha retreat center in Soquel CA for a couple days before realizing there was an incredible jewel of a temple up the hill. When I checked in, they said the temple was locked and that I would need to check out a key, so I figured whenever I got around to it, I might go. Well, I had befriended Samten la, the resident Tibetan monk and he invited me to join him one day as he needed to change the water offering bowls and do some cleaning at the temple. Let me suggest that if you visit LMB, do not miss this opportunity to visit the Wish Fulfilling Temple!!

At the Wish Fulfilling Temple are many murals – including a depiction of all of the 12 Deeds from the Buddha’s life. The one seen here is his enlightenment under the Bodhi tree (or it may be another as they were not in order). I have pictures of all 12 if you would like to see them. Also, there is a large seated Maitreya statue – it is at least 25 ft tall! Very inspiring and it is painted with gold.

This is Samten la standing in front of the statue. Note how the statue dwarfs him. You will notice the murals of the Buddha’s life story in the background.

This is the seated Maitreya statue. Behind him are the 7 Medicine Buddhas along with Shakyamuni Buddha (the mural behind his head). Not pictured, there is a mandala of the Medicine Buddha above the statue (on the ceiling). Very cool!

The top murals include the aforementioned Medicine Buddhas, pictured here are the 21 Taras. Below them are offering goddesses. Another mural at top was of the 35 confessional Buddhas. The offering goddesses go all around the statue.

These are the 35 confessional Buddhas mentioned above. The last mural (not pictured) is of the Nyung Ne lineage which includes the Dalai Lama and others lineage masters. Again, if you get the chance to visit this temple, you will not be disappointed! It is beautiful, surrounded by well-landscaped gardens. And it is up the hill aways from the main building, so it feels like going on a short pilgrimage to get there. Thanks for reading!

Yurt village at LMB

I stayed in Yurt number 6 in the Yurt Village at Land of the Medicine Buddha retreat center. The yurt village is over half a mile from the main buildings (including the dining room), which meant that every day, just to hike down to my car or to have breakfast was a trek. Again it had the feeling of being in another country – except the bath and kitchen hut (below) was well stocked. The yurt had electricity and thankfully the bed had some sort of heating mechanism under the covers so when it got chilly at night (I only battened down the hatches on my 2nd or 3rd night there), I could keep my feet warm using the electric warmer. There were several other people doing yoga or being contemplative in the yurt village. I stayed there for four nights. At $80 a night, it was a tad expensive, considering breakfast and lunch were extra. In the future, I would not purchase the breakfast meals. They left a lot wanting. There is a fridge up at the kitchen hut, so I could have easily fixed all my own meals. The would definitely have beat paying $7 for breakfast and $13 for a vegetarian lunch (mostly vegan and too much soy for my liking).

This is the kitchen hut at the Yurt Village. It has a fridge, microwave and hot water heater. I think there is even a stove (did not use it).