a complicated year, on the eve of my birth month

I am turning 37 years old.  Good grief!  Where has the time gone?  I was bartending last night when I realized nearly everyone at the bar was within 5 or 6 years of my age.  They pretty much had all seemed to do a traditional (main stream) type of life – most of them had kids or had been married for years and they were a part of a corporate group and they were enjoying themselves.

But good lord, I am closer to turning 40 than I am to being 30.  I have not let that sink in (at all).  40 years old.  I don’t feel 40 (or do I).  I should say I don’t feel the way I assumed 40 year olds feel.  I’m pretty healthy, when I practice good self care.

I think it is time for me to re-do my list of life goals.  Short term, middling length and long term goals.  What do I want?  How will I go about getting it?  Am I staying on track?

I have been gearing up for nursing school for the past 2 – 3 years.  And in that time, I have lost track of many things.  I am managing to stay fairly grounded and embodied, which is very beneficial and commendable.  Now that I am taking a semester hiatus from school, I have a moment to reflect.  And wow!

I want to do more writing.  I want to re-discover my creative muse.  I won several awards for composition years back – in 2002 and 2007 respectfully.  I am realizing that the constant grind that is nursing school – where one can ALWAYS be studying / reviewing / watching something no matter how much time you have already invested.  There are always assignments coming due and the huge NCLEX test looms over everyone as this comprehensive behemoth to struggle through at the end of school.  It is the licensing test which separates the fair students from the great ones.  Long story short, nursing school and all of its prerequisites have dried up my creativity.  That part of my brain is parched.  I need a change.  Even if it is just a cooking class or an art class.  I have been working to change my mind since 2007.

When I started the UVa undergrad Psychology program, I did not realize what I was doing.  I was adding tools to my feeling intuitive mind – adding layers of empiricism and rationality.  I was doing non-formal mind training.  But that area of life can be a bit dry.  It can be overdone.  Being the cold, reasoning scientist has its place.  And I am a feeling, empathetic Pisces.  So I need to find a balance.

Yes I want to be a knowledgable compassionate responsible professional nurse.  And I want to have some juiciness in my life as well.  Not too spicy.  But more than I’ve got right now.

No need to beat myself up.  There is time.  But it is also time to get on with it.  🙂

thanks for reading my random musings

I rarely, if ever, (and I mean never) write about politics

I realize that this post might polarize some people.  Whether it inspires them or turns them away, I feel the need to speak my mind.

This country (the United States of America) has become more and more of an oligarchy over the past couple of decades.  We say we are a democracy and yet there are less than 10 companies that own the majority of the major media outlets in the entire country – T.V. radio etc.  We say we are a democracy and yet corporations are somehow viewed as people when it matters (how on earth did the Supreme Court come to this decision to sell out what was left of our beautiful country?  Citizens United is horrible).  We give massive amounts of corporate welfare to Wall Street, to big banks (which are too large to fail?!?), to oil companies and pharmaceutical companies whose motivation is the bottom line (rather than working to cure patients – I’m in nursing school and this is what I keep seeing), etc.  And yet we work to cut food stamps to poor mothers and poor families who are probably struggling to keep the heat on in the winter time.

We have shipped more manufacturing jobs out of the country in the last 40 years than we have remaining – and now companies thrive on low prices when their products are made by low income (slave) labor in Bangladesh, Malaysia and Mexico.  The only area it seems that we thrive is in the military-industrial complex.  We still have one of the largest militaries in the world and if I am not mistaken, we spend more of “defense” than the next top 5 nations combined.  That is sick.  The United States collective karma is eventually going to come back around and topple this government.  We have been involved in numerous unethical wars and military coups – we back despots and tyrants when they buy our guns or give us oil.

It seems someone could make a case for the U.S. being one of the more corrupt countries on the face of the earth now that campaign contributions can be made in secret and in huge amounts to Super PAC’s.  Lobbying is one of the largest employers in Washington D.C. outside of the U.S. government jobs.  Our “democratically” elected officials do not care – there is no financial incentive – about their constituents.  They spend so much time fund raising that they cannot hear us, let alone read the legislation they are supposed to be voting upon.

The two party system here in the United States is a joke.  I call them both Republicrats.  I say this because the two party system prevents any third or fourth parties from taking hold in the country.  They do not allow any other candidates into debates.  They push really really hard to get establishment candidates onto the ballot.  The “Democratic” party has Super Delegates who are meant to decide a close contest in the event a “grass-roots candidate” has gained too much power and too many votes.  I did not sign up for this crap.

I am tired of voting for the candidate of lesser evil – who is often the “Democrat.”  I am tired of voting for a candidate who ticks seven out of ten boxes.  I want someone who covers nine or all ten of them!

We need a revolution in our thinking.  We need truly affordable health care across the board, available to all so that ALL babies can have adequate, appropriate, healthy looking-after.  We need a minimum LIVING wage so that all people can work one 40-hour per week job and be able to afford rent and FOOD for their family.  We need college that is relatively affordable for all.  The concept of the upper class jobs being only available to the few “excellent” students is erroneous and will lead to major income disparities in this once-great nation (worse than they already are).  Right now for a student to come out of undergraduate school with $50,000 in debt is a monstrous problem.

Denmark is closing prisons because they do not have any “criminals” to put in them.  And they are a “socialist” country.  How about taking a step back and pondering this: if we take care of our neighbors and treat them like brothers and sisters, then they will not be jealous of the 1% and crime rates will start to drop.  Educate everyone and crime rates will start to drop.  Have adequate opportunity and health care for all AND CRIME RATES WILL DROP.

And we need a candidate who will not bow to the will of the military industrial complex.  We need a candidate who will not cave in to some bizarre demands from the pharmaceutical companies.  We need a candidate who speak his or her truth to power when it comes to the choice of fighting conflicts here at home or choosing to fight abroad.  The problems here are home are ten times as large for all of us citizens.  It is terrible what is happening in parts of Africa and the Middle East and Ukraine right now.  But how about we fix our domestic problems (Flint Michigan?  a disintegrating infrastructure across the nation?  the largest income disparity in 80 years?) first?

That is why, in my mind, Bernie Sanders is the only candidate to cover most of the bases above.  Sure he is not perfect.  But at least he is a step toward the right direction.  And he is not being purchased by massive contributions to the Clinton Foundation.  He does not have any massive Super PAC’s funded by the Koch brothers or by large unethical corporations.

This will hopefully be one of the only political posts I make in the upcoming months.  Although I could see one or two more up my sleeve.  🙂

Thanks for reading!  (And I’m sure there will be comments)

Incredibly excited to hear Khenchen Konchog Gyaltsen is teaching in Maryland in the spring

News just came out that His Eminence, Khenchen Konchog Gyaltsen, will be teaching around the United States early this year.  He will be out West and then teaching around the East coast in April and May.  I’m very excited.  He will be at the Tibetan Meditation Center in Frederick, Maryland from May 28th thru June 5th giving teachings.  I expect to be there for some of that time!

Khenchen is not my root lama, but he is practically at the same level.  I am very blessed and grateful to have a strong connection with this precious and sublimely wise master.  He is the one who pointed me back toward the school path – he said going to school was to be my spiritual path for a while (and he was absolutely right).  He is the one who prevented (suggested strongly) that I not run off to India for less-than-grounded-or-well-reasoned purposes (and that is how I finished my bachelor’s degree and probably prevented additional needless suffering).  He pointed me toward Psychology in school, and he assisted in directing me toward Nursing, which I am currently doing.  Also I first took refuge with Khenchen and took my first Bodhisattva vows with him.  He is definitely one of my heart Lamas.  And I guess technically (if any of this technical stuff matters) he is my refuge Lama.  What matters is that he is one of a handful of heart teachers for me.

I do desperately miss spending time with my root guru, Drupon Thinley Ningpo, but Florida is a long way away (15 hr drive each way or a complicated flight(s) to arrange).  Hopefully I will get to see Drupon Rinpoche this summer or early in the fall.  I have heard that your root lama is the person who can help to liberate your mind and who can point out the natural state – our innate nature of dynamic emptiness.  If this is true, then that is the most important connection you will ever have with a teacher.  Period.  Therefore I do not mean to speak higher of Khenchen than of Drupon.  Rather, it has been a number of years since I have seen Khenchen la, where as I fortunately get to see Drupon nearly every year.  Plus due to Khenchen’s having mastered English, he speaks more openly and compassionately to my heart (at least so far).  And from what I have seen so far, he can be more wrathful and direct in dealing with wayward practitioners.  And perhaps it is time he were wrathful with me.  We will see!  I am so very grateful for all of my blessings – I am just an ordinary afflicted human being who is attempting to put his precious human rebirth to good use.

Thanks for reading!

staying fairly busy

Life has a funny way of creating new opportunities when we make alternative choices.  I pressed the pause button on nursing school a few weeks ago, a decision I’m still undecided on – best decision?  How much do I need to rest?  I am having a little health issue but hopefully some rest will be good for that.  Only thing is, I’m not good at resting.  I was in “go” mode prepping for school, doing the prerequisites and then going through a busy 2 semesters of nursing school already.  Then to hit the brakes.  It ain’t easy!  Therefore I am having to create a new system of structure and discipline.

I think the saying, “if you want something done, give it to someone who is busy.  They will get it done”  applies to me.  I feel good, my mind is razor sharp when I am in school.

Therefore I am trying to study every day.  I am meeting with instructors from time to time to go over my old care plans from last semester (because in spite of improving each week, apparently I still have a ton to learn!).  And now I am staying a little busy at least with a new astrology client per week.  Yay! I am getting to sleep in at least 3 or 4 days a week and then I have some extracurricular activities as well.  So that is good.

Now if I can just stay off the computer a little more  🙂

Thanks for reading and I will keep you updated.

Feeling a bit off

I’m not exactly sure why, but I have been feeling a little off over the past couple of days.

Backing off from nursing school has been tough on me.  It was a apart of my identity, although fortunately my identity is quite complex and multifaceted.  It is tough though to think that I might have to be working in the restaurant business for an extra year as a result.  No thank you!  Hopefully I can get a job at a doctor’s office after I finish the semester on administering medications (and many other vital nursing duties).

I think I need to do more practice.  Spiritual practice that is.  Sitting on my cushion practice.  Previously, during nursing school, I had to abandon some formal sitting because I simply didn’t have time or energy.  But in that case, the momentum of study and testing and clinical learning was a structure to build my life and time around.  It propelled me.  Now, I am without that structure, that foundation.  I need to rediscover a new structure.

I am finding that I am very sensitive to other people’s attitudes and energy at work.  Spiritual practice – Buddhist practice in my case is one antidote to this hypersensitivity.  And so is yoga and Zapchen somatics.  No matter what I choose, I need to do some daily practice.

Fortunately I have 3 days off in a row, so I can build some momentum.

Wish me well!  I wish you well.

Om Mani Padme Hung.

Good advice from an insightful I Ching

I woke up today feeling a little wobbly.  I probably throw the I Ching (the book of changes) a couple times a week on average – although some weeks I really seek its reflections.

Today the I Ching suggested that I rest down and do 3 things: first, “Let go of everything.”  Second, “Make nothing.”  and third, “Allow everything to be like it is (including yourself).”

This is not easy advice to follow.  I am a bit of a control freak and I occasionally tend to worry about stuff.  So it might have been the best advice I could have been given!  But still not easy to follow.

Although I must say that I did pretty good.  I did some kundalini yoga first thing, then I had a good breakfast.  Next I checked email.  Then I watched an episode of Arrested Development – just for laughs.  And finally I read a chapter in my Pharmacology book.  After taking the dog for a walk, I had a huge omelet for lunch and then I took a two and a half hour nap before getting ready for work.  I think I did pretty well following the I Ching’s advice.  Although I am still prone to fretting.

Thanks for reading!

~K

Can we improve the medical field? Is Pharmacology basically a crap shoot?

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am taking a short break from nursing school.  However, as I intend to go back, I am still reading my nursing books a little at a time.  And this morning, as I was reading about pharmacology, I was surprised and taken aback by what I read.  Although, honestly I should not have been too surprised.

I have always known that different people are affected by medication at different rates.  People’s bodies are different – metabolism, kidney function, rate of absorption, etc.  Two people might weigh the same amount and be about the same age and be the same gender, and yet it might take significantly different doses of the same drug to get the same response in both individuals.  How have I known this?  From my personal experience and from my time as an astrologer seeing multiple clients.

Personally I experience radically different effects from taking pain medication than most people – and I should know considering I have had 2 major surgeries, I have had the shingles (full outbreak) on my face and I have broken a minimum of 10 bones in my body.  I have had to take a decent number of pharmaceutical drugs in my time.  As far as astrology goes, there are certain aspects and certain signs which tend to indicate a person being more sensitive to drug interactions and drug effects – some people require a lower dose than “average.”

As a side note, I have been able to keep my intuitive astrologer side separate from the strictly empirical scientific nursing side of my life, but I am starting to wonder if I should combine the two?  Is allopathic medicine the best system?  Considering the rise of complementary and alternative medicine, I would say that conventional medicine is not complete (and when you read the next paragraph, you might agree).

Here is the nutshell version of what I read: there is a frequency distribution curve which identifies how much of a dose of medication affects what percentage of people.  The problem is that without good knowledge of a patient’s medical history and knowing how they react to certain types of medications, it sounds like getting the “right” dose is basically just using statistics and hoping they are near the middle of the curve.  But what if they aren’t?  Here is an example: say 50% of a lab population shows the desired response from 50 mg of a medication, but 5% show that same response from just 10 mg – that is a huge difference!  What if that 5% group was so sensitive that they actually exhibited signs of toxicity and immune response at 50 mg?  That seems like it would be a problem because 50 mg is the average or standard dose!

There has to be a better way.  Have we backed ourselves into a corner using the scientific method?  Are we so concerned with rigid empiricism that we have to basically guess what the best dose is for a patient (because it has worked for 50% of the population and it hasn’t killed the other 49%).  I would posit that there is a better way: Western Astrology if conducted by a skilled practitioner can show which individuals are more sensitive to pharmaceutical drugs.  You have to know the accurate birth time and date and location.

Once you know this information and have computed an accurate birth horoscope (chart), then you can see who might be more sensitive to pharmaceutical drugs.

If you must know, some indicators to look for in a chart, which can show this sensitivity is having a dominant Neptune in the chart – is Neptune conjunct the Ascendant (Rising) or the MidHeaven?  Is Neptune making a hard aspect to the Sun or Moon (or Mercury).  Then certain signs are more sensitive – Pisces and Virgo are generally more sensitive to medications (and food and sugar intake and possibly even to recreational drugs like alcohol and tobacco).

I am just in the beginning of the Pharmacology book.  I will keep you updated on how my musings are reacting.

Thanks for reading!

Process Buddhism in action (potent bodywork)

If you are curious about what Process Buddhism is, then please go back to previous posts from December of 2008.  I attempt to describe this complex topic there.  Process Buddhism has elements from psychotherapy, Buddha-Dharma (Vajrayana), bodywork and trauma resolution among other potent, efficacious modalities.

Over the past few months, I had been suffering from some foggy-headedness as I was barely staying ahead of nursing school assignments and I was working full time.  Add to that watching the show Elementary and I had almost no time for me to rest down.  I was feeling a bit dissociative and I was on the verge of being overwhelmed almost daily.  So I called my friend and mentor and coach and bodywork teacher, someone who is a true spiritual healer, Janet Evergreen.  I have worked with her and taught workshops with her and learned from her since 2005 (in this lifetime).

When this new spring semester started, I was taking way too many classes and I did not use my few days of transition time very well, so when I started this semester of nursing classes, I was definitely overwhelmed.  Add to this a little health niggle I have been observing for a few months, and I was quite concerned that I could not handle my class load.

So I pressed the pause button on nursing school and I am taking care of me.  A part of me is / was quite pleased with this decision.  I am feeling more free and energized and relaxed.  And a part of me is conflicted – there was one class which is only offered in the spring, so by pressing the pause button, I am basically setting myself back a year.  This is disappointing.  I desperately need to rest and I believe I probably could have scraped by and at least made a “B” in that class.  I am still not entirely clear about my decision.

I knew I needed to “call in the big guns” as it were if I wanted to kick my old patterns and clear my head.

In my next post, I will go into detail about the session that I had.

So far, in the five days since, I am feeling more embodied, more potent, warmer and somehow more full.  Plus the pattern of beating myself up about withdrawing from that class is lessening.  I am practicing a little bit of metta loving-kindness everyday after that session and I am more in touch with my heart, gut, kidneys and body in general – more than I have been in months.

Therefore it was a great session.  Much needed.

Further thoughts on nursing

So I had a potent bodywork session with my friend and coach and teacher, Janet Evergreen.  She assisted me in coming back into my body, my heart, kidneys, etc.

Long story short, I feel clear that I was “right” in dropping 2 of my nursing classes – I was feeling way overwhelmed – but I am still a little conflicted about dropping the last class, the big class which has the largest time commitment.

Therefore I decided to not decide, at least not in that moment.  And even now I am not entirely clear whether I want to try to get plugged back in immediately (if that were even possible) or take the semester off.

I think if it were possible I would love to get back in the groove now, but I have not been studying much and I would still love to rest more.

In other words, I am still a nursing student, but at present I am taking this semester off.  I might send an email tomorrow inquiring about whether or not I could come back in this present semester.  I have missed 2 clinical days and those are difficult to make up.  We will see.

If I have time, I will post about that session as well.  It was rockin’!  I am must more in my potency and having had two snow days away from most of my usual distractions, I am keeping it in my system which is good.

I will keep you updated  🙂

Missing a dear friend

In this case, the “dear friend” is the challenging atmosphere that is nursing school.  I am a bit sad.  I did what a part of me felt it had to do: quit school at least for a few months.  But there are other parts of me that are saying, “maybe you should have gotten more advice, maybe the professors could have been a little lenient” (although I seriously doubt it – you get behind in nursing school and you will stay behind).

In fact, and I will admit to wondering about my experience of computer systems with regard to what the wisdom beings have planned for me, when I actually tried to withdraw from my classes, the first 3 times I clicked on the student information system (to withdraw), I got an error.  And then I had to go through a back door link to actually get to my normal easy to access screen!  [I don’t think I was supposed to quit everything so suddenly.]  But occasionally, rarely! I can be hard headed and stubborn.  If I am freaking out during the first easy week of classes, I did not see much hope for the semester.  Thanks Mercury retrograde (and Jupiter square Neptune).  Yes, my personal choices led to where I am today, but my astrology does compel me toward certain decisions.

Again, I may have made a mistake.  But I have a plan: I am going to get a number of health related tests done this semester (while I have good insurance).  I am going to build up to doing an hour of “nothing [which is actually resourcing for my tenuously frayed nervous system]” everyday for a bit, and I will do more Buddhist Dharma practice (which I had basically let go of due to nursing school).

Already, a day into my newfound experiment, I am noticing my previous jovial, jokester, prankster, lighthearted energy returning.  I am discovering joy and a lightening of being that I had not experienced for a couple years.  The burden is literally and figuratively lightening from my shoulders. I can smile and laugh and react with ease.

I don’t know where I am heading.  But I know that if / when I return to nursing school, that I cannot be working as much as I was.  I would prefer to not have to work at all.  That will take some serious thriftiness to save that much money, but that is what I need.

All the studying of nursing school made my mind sharper, brisker, easier to memorize anything.  But the burden of doing too much…  I would not wish that on anyone.

By the way, the modern nurse has hundreds of thousands of pieces of information to assess, and diagnose and evaluate and there is no way anyone – and I mean anyone can keep all that information at hand.  There is a terrible amount of responsibility that nurses have: to advocate for patient’s rights and needs and feelings in the midst of corrupt jockeying by pharmaceutical companies and hospital administration policies, etc etc.  In other words, the ideal nurse is someone who knows they do not know everything, yet who learns more everyday and who maintains their vast knowledge, while modestly treading through bureaucratic medical politics all while attempting to educate and advocate for their patients.  It requires a seriously dedicated and extremely skillful person to be a good nurse for a number of years.  Yes of course nursing can be rewarding, but it as a stressful as anything you can imagine – you have people’s lives in your hands multiple times / day in certain units.  Go take Pharmacology if you do not believe me…

So ultimately, am I happy to be taking a break?  Yes.  Am I sad about the circumstances?  Yes.  Do I have quite the mixed bag of emotions to unpack?  Yes.  Do I feel like I am letting down the future sentient beings I am meant to benefit?  Yes.

Maybe I am not the bodhisattva I thought I was (I attempt to say that as modestly as possible).  Maybe I am just a normal human being who has some intuitive gifts but who also has a fragile constitution.

These are just my thoughts.  They are already changing and shifting.

May all beings experience a joyful lightness of being, no matter what they are doing.