the sounds of trauma

occasionally, we must make do with where we are and with what we have got in front of us…

presently my partner and I live in a nice neighborhood, conveniently located close to my work place and hers, and not far from my school either…

but recently a family moved in downstairs which is just pushing a lot of buttons…

and caught in the middle of it all is their sweet little black puppy  😦

you came into our lives, cute and precious, with obstructors trailing after you

your little boy sometimes plays nice, but sometimes kicks you

he was not raised right, he is just five, we are trying to teach him

that being kind will in turn elicit kindness

his mother had substance abuse problems and assumes life is tough

his grandmother yells at him and assumes he is being a burden to others

but no, it doesn’t have to be that way!

the kid is sweet he just needs proper guidance and opportunities to socialize

he needs to learn to use his words, that his version of touch is less-than-kind

because that is all he has been taught

you all need support and resources that help move your family toward health

and I pray you receive it very soon

(we are in conversation with the parents and with the land lord and the friend about these issues…  it is challenging though.  Life can certainly throw some curve balls our way.  And yet compared to some parts of the world, this trauma is tiny in comparison.)

May all beings know happiness and its causes!

What is spiritual?

One of my teachers, several years ago, said, “You know where the body is.  You can experience the mind, the mental.  You can improve your mind and your body.  But where is spiritual?”  (Khenchen Konchog Gyaltsen)  So many people are concerned with improving themselves spiritually.  Back then, when he said these words (2008 maybe), I had less life experience.  And I happened to be one of those people who was obsessed with trying to fix myself spiritually.  It was probably a good thing that I dove in so deep for a few years.  But now I think I have found more of a balance.

Today, I think I am a little closer to understanding what he was / is referring to.  Someone recently came up to me, knowing that I have a background in process-oriented bodywork and meditation and astrology, and he said, “Kirby, can you help me spiritually?  I need to become more stable somehow.”  My first thought, even though I did not say this out loud, was, “No, you need to strengthen your psychological boundaries, you need to develop more self-respect.  You need to assert yourself more around your family.”  But what I said was, “Sure, I might be able to benefit you.  I would recommend Somatic Experiencing to strengthen healthy resources and boundaries.  I might be able to help you stabilize your mind.  But you have to be willing to do the work.”  I explained what Somatic Experiencing was and he said that sounded good.  He did not set anything up and I have not heard from him about this yet (that was just a few days ago).  But again, what is spiritual?  How can we work on spiritual when we have such big gaps in our psyche and our boundaries and so much self-doubt?

If someone wants me to, I can assess them psychologically (I am not formally trained – so if / when appropriate I would obviously refer them to the proper professionals) and tell them what I think might benefit them.  [Keep in mind if someone seems to have an obvious mental illness, I would swiftly change the subject or recommend they speak to their doctor or psychiatrist!]  I can look at someone’s astrology chart and get a glimpse of possible weak spots in their psyche.  I can put my hands on someone and feel whether or not they are grounded or embodied or calm or nervous, etc.  I can tell if they have had recreational drugs within the past couple weeks (through my hands).  I can tell if they are a heavy smoker.  I can tell if their body resonates with what they are saying.

But have I mentioned anything about touching the spiritual realm yet?  Maybe it is a combination of all of the above.  Maybe I can be of benefit to someone spiritually, but I would never claim to be able to do that!  Rather, stick with what is measurable – psychological benchmarks, anxiety scales, feeling grounded in our bodies or not, etc.  Stick with stabilizing your mind.  Work on improving your health and body through exercise and improving your diet and practicing better self care.  Stop worrying so much about fixing yourself spiritually.  If you work on what I mention above, the spiritual side will start to come into alignment on its own.

Of course work with a spiritual teacher.  A legitimate leader in a legitimate spiritual tradition.  A meditation teacher, or a well-respected and empirical and compassionate professor (these are tough to find).  But do more than that.  Work on what you know.  Work on what you can touch, what you can experience.  You don’t know how your karma is going to manifest – sure you can use a tool like astrology to see how certain influences affected your life in the past and attempt to project that onto the future – but you will never know the subtleties and intricacies of karma cause and effect (until you attain unsurpassed enlightenment).

So take small steps today.  Do a little something nice for yourself today.  Be more kind to yourself, today.  Take a nap.  Spend time watching the beautiful sun set.  Go for a hike.  Etc.  And above all else, if someone or something causes you harm, then put some distance between yourself and them.  We have to first alleviate the causes of suffering before we can stop suffering!  Realize that desire is like drinking salt water – the more we get, the more we want, but we are never satisfied!  We just keep needing more and more salty water (or money or beautiful women or handsome powerful men or cars, etc etc).  Slow down.  Pause.  Take a deep breath.  And know that all things eventually resolve in peace (long term).

Thanks for reading!

Kirby

A wealth of insight in relationship astrology

I’m thinking I should specialize in relationship astrology.  Today I chatted with a client for about 40 minutes about his relationship and the back story around it.  That allowed me to tailor my interpretation (although I knew ahead of time some of the major obstacles that the two of them might encounter).  The crux of the matter was a fundamental tension aspect between calculating, cranial, rational Aquarius and luscious, romantic, touchy-feely Taurus.

I must say I’m pretty darned good at relationship astrology.  About a third of all my clients are coming to me because of relationship questions.  But I left feeling like I had learned a good deal as well.  It is almost as if the wisdom I share is not entirely my own.  Perhaps I am channeling some of it.

Playing with nuance and carefully crafting the right phrases to describe what I am hearing and seeing is an art.  And when I get to learn something in there as well, so much the better!

I am very grateful to all my readers and clients out there.  Let me know if you have a relationship astrology question for me.

Kirby

Transits March 2016: Jupiter and all planets beyond

I am writing about transits in this post.  And specifically, I am writing about my personal natal chart and how the transiting planets are affecting it.  Yes, it is a subjective topic (highly personal that is) but I will attempt to be as objective as possible.

I am going through a bit of soul searching, having paused my nursing school pursuits (see previous posts).  It is difficult to go from 60 mph down to 10, in just a month or two and my mind is still gripping after ideas and grasping for purposeful and meaningful activity.  Better yet, how about I work on resting my anxious mind?  That is where astrology can come in.  Perhaps I can spot where I am leaning in too heavily or where I am being subtly influenced by the energies around us.  Let’s see if the planets’ narrative fits with my own life at present.

Jupiter – the expansive giant of grass-is-always-greener wanderlust is presently retrograde (a factor which much be taken into account) and going through the second of three passes to square my Neptune, from my second house.  And soon Jupiter will move on beyond that square to oppose my natal Sun (in about four months).

It would seem (from reading Robert Hand’s Planets in Transit – see my note at the end of the post) that I have avoided most of the pitfalls of Jupiter square Neptune – no false messiahs or new bizarre spiritual teachers coming into my life (no invitations to any cults in the last 6 months).  The only thing I would mention is that I have not told my job that I completely took this semester off.  I told them I cut back significantly at school – so they still think I am in one class.  I just did not have the heart to tell them, when they are so supportive of my success, that I am taking this semester off – rather I did not want to admit to possibly making a mistake in the process 😦    So there is a little bit of deception going on (Neptune) in my life.

As far as Jupiter in my second house goes, rather than acquiring materials or hoarding money, I think a revising of my core values is taking place.  I have too many Dharma trinkets – lets tsa tsas and statues and pictures and practice booklets.  I need to let go of some stuff.  Not only that, deeper values are being challenged right now (which may have to do with other transits as well).  What do I want out of life?  Am I capable of maintaining daily Dharma practice or am I just routinely beating myself up because I only sit on my cushion a couple days a week?  Is my spiritual practice shifting?  I think I am not close enough with my root lama to fully explain the changes in my practice and in my body.  I had a health scare, which was a part of why I pressed pause on school.  My body has been having a tough time over the past couple of years.  What is most important right now is that I discover joy in slowing down and relaxing more.  What supports that?  🙂

The only other Neptune / Jupiter piece is being tempted with computer games.  I have gone for long spells without indulging in that old vice of mine.  I went for seven years from 2003 to 2010 where I focused on spiritual and academic pursuits wholeheartedly (and was never even tempted to pick up this less-than-ideal habit).  And then I went for about six months more recently when I plunged into the full rigors of nursing school.  But when I am faced with a full day off, and it has been raining (so I can’t go for a hike), I download an old game and play for a few hours.  I would rather do more meaningful activities.  This is where Neptune’s whispered mischievous advice is kicking me in the pants (although I do not blame Neptune – I am the one creating this predisposition by playing off and on).

I am a very fluid and flexible individual.  I can shift and understand where most people are coming from, which is why I am a great waiter (food service) and bar tender.  Therefore I do not see the Jupiter opposite Sun snags getting to me very much – maybe the arrogance and feeling that I know what is right (I am a Leo Rising after all).  Otherwise, I think I can maintain some good humility to dodge any confrontations with superiors that might indicate.

So as far as Jupiter goes, I think I am doing pretty well.  I am a spiritual being having a human experience and therefore I tend to avoid some of the more gross layers of astrological influence.

In my next post, I will discuss Saturn and what it is up to in my chart!

Thanks for reading.  Have a blessed day and enjoy the Spring weather when it shows its inspiring and uplifting bright face.

As an aside, I must add that Robert Hand’s book on Transits, while invaluable to most and quite accurate for some, does not often accurately peg me.  (And Robert Hand should go down as a brilliant scientist, empiricist and pioneer for American astrology.)  But I am a bit different than most – not sure why exactly – as my intuition and psychological fluidity might indicate, I experience my astrological chart differently.  That is why frequency-based astrology is so valuable and so difficult to find good practitioners of.  There are some days where I’m not sure who I am going to meet after looking at the chart of a relative stranger.  I am always pleasantly surprised though and I try to offer insight and a fresh outlook on their charts.

a complicated year, on the eve of my birth month

I am turning 37 years old.  Good grief!  Where has the time gone?  I was bartending last night when I realized nearly everyone at the bar was within 5 or 6 years of my age.  They pretty much had all seemed to do a traditional (main stream) type of life – most of them had kids or had been married for years and they were a part of a corporate group and they were enjoying themselves.

But good lord, I am closer to turning 40 than I am to being 30.  I have not let that sink in (at all).  40 years old.  I don’t feel 40 (or do I).  I should say I don’t feel the way I assumed 40 year olds feel.  I’m pretty healthy, when I practice good self care.

I think it is time for me to re-do my list of life goals.  Short term, middling length and long term goals.  What do I want?  How will I go about getting it?  Am I staying on track?

I have been gearing up for nursing school for the past 2 – 3 years.  And in that time, I have lost track of many things.  I am managing to stay fairly grounded and embodied, which is very beneficial and commendable.  Now that I am taking a semester hiatus from school, I have a moment to reflect.  And wow!

I want to do more writing.  I want to re-discover my creative muse.  I won several awards for composition years back – in 2002 and 2007 respectfully.  I am realizing that the constant grind that is nursing school – where one can ALWAYS be studying / reviewing / watching something no matter how much time you have already invested.  There are always assignments coming due and the huge NCLEX test looms over everyone as this comprehensive behemoth to struggle through at the end of school.  It is the licensing test which separates the fair students from the great ones.  Long story short, nursing school and all of its prerequisites have dried up my creativity.  That part of my brain is parched.  I need a change.  Even if it is just a cooking class or an art class.  I have been working to change my mind since 2007.

When I started the UVa undergrad Psychology program, I did not realize what I was doing.  I was adding tools to my feeling intuitive mind – adding layers of empiricism and rationality.  I was doing non-formal mind training.  But that area of life can be a bit dry.  It can be overdone.  Being the cold, reasoning scientist has its place.  And I am a feeling, empathetic Pisces.  So I need to find a balance.

Yes I want to be a knowledgable compassionate responsible professional nurse.  And I want to have some juiciness in my life as well.  Not too spicy.  But more than I’ve got right now.

No need to beat myself up.  There is time.  But it is also time to get on with it.  🙂

thanks for reading my random musings

I rarely, if ever, (and I mean never) write about politics

I realize that this post might polarize some people.  Whether it inspires them or turns them away, I feel the need to speak my mind.

This country (the United States of America) has become more and more of an oligarchy over the past couple of decades.  We say we are a democracy and yet there are less than 10 companies that own the majority of the major media outlets in the entire country – T.V. radio etc.  We say we are a democracy and yet corporations are somehow viewed as people when it matters (how on earth did the Supreme Court come to this decision to sell out what was left of our beautiful country?  Citizens United is horrible).  We give massive amounts of corporate welfare to Wall Street, to big banks (which are too large to fail?!?), to oil companies and pharmaceutical companies whose motivation is the bottom line (rather than working to cure patients – I’m in nursing school and this is what I keep seeing), etc.  And yet we work to cut food stamps to poor mothers and poor families who are probably struggling to keep the heat on in the winter time.

We have shipped more manufacturing jobs out of the country in the last 40 years than we have remaining – and now companies thrive on low prices when their products are made by low income (slave) labor in Bangladesh, Malaysia and Mexico.  The only area it seems that we thrive is in the military-industrial complex.  We still have one of the largest militaries in the world and if I am not mistaken, we spend more of “defense” than the next top 5 nations combined.  That is sick.  The United States collective karma is eventually going to come back around and topple this government.  We have been involved in numerous unethical wars and military coups – we back despots and tyrants when they buy our guns or give us oil.

It seems someone could make a case for the U.S. being one of the more corrupt countries on the face of the earth now that campaign contributions can be made in secret and in huge amounts to Super PAC’s.  Lobbying is one of the largest employers in Washington D.C. outside of the U.S. government jobs.  Our “democratically” elected officials do not care – there is no financial incentive – about their constituents.  They spend so much time fund raising that they cannot hear us, let alone read the legislation they are supposed to be voting upon.

The two party system here in the United States is a joke.  I call them both Republicrats.  I say this because the two party system prevents any third or fourth parties from taking hold in the country.  They do not allow any other candidates into debates.  They push really really hard to get establishment candidates onto the ballot.  The “Democratic” party has Super Delegates who are meant to decide a close contest in the event a “grass-roots candidate” has gained too much power and too many votes.  I did not sign up for this crap.

I am tired of voting for the candidate of lesser evil – who is often the “Democrat.”  I am tired of voting for a candidate who ticks seven out of ten boxes.  I want someone who covers nine or all ten of them!

We need a revolution in our thinking.  We need truly affordable health care across the board, available to all so that ALL babies can have adequate, appropriate, healthy looking-after.  We need a minimum LIVING wage so that all people can work one 40-hour per week job and be able to afford rent and FOOD for their family.  We need college that is relatively affordable for all.  The concept of the upper class jobs being only available to the few “excellent” students is erroneous and will lead to major income disparities in this once-great nation (worse than they already are).  Right now for a student to come out of undergraduate school with $50,000 in debt is a monstrous problem.

Denmark is closing prisons because they do not have any “criminals” to put in them.  And they are a “socialist” country.  How about taking a step back and pondering this: if we take care of our neighbors and treat them like brothers and sisters, then they will not be jealous of the 1% and crime rates will start to drop.  Educate everyone and crime rates will start to drop.  Have adequate opportunity and health care for all AND CRIME RATES WILL DROP.

And we need a candidate who will not bow to the will of the military industrial complex.  We need a candidate who will not cave in to some bizarre demands from the pharmaceutical companies.  We need a candidate who speak his or her truth to power when it comes to the choice of fighting conflicts here at home or choosing to fight abroad.  The problems here are home are ten times as large for all of us citizens.  It is terrible what is happening in parts of Africa and the Middle East and Ukraine right now.  But how about we fix our domestic problems (Flint Michigan?  a disintegrating infrastructure across the nation?  the largest income disparity in 80 years?) first?

That is why, in my mind, Bernie Sanders is the only candidate to cover most of the bases above.  Sure he is not perfect.  But at least he is a step toward the right direction.  And he is not being purchased by massive contributions to the Clinton Foundation.  He does not have any massive Super PAC’s funded by the Koch brothers or by large unethical corporations.

This will hopefully be one of the only political posts I make in the upcoming months.  Although I could see one or two more up my sleeve.  🙂

Thanks for reading!  (And I’m sure there will be comments)

Incredibly excited to hear Khenchen Konchog Gyaltsen is teaching in Maryland in the spring

News just came out that His Eminence, Khenchen Konchog Gyaltsen, will be teaching around the United States early this year.  He will be out West and then teaching around the East coast in April and May.  I’m very excited.  He will be at the Tibetan Meditation Center in Frederick, Maryland from May 28th thru June 5th giving teachings.  I expect to be there for some of that time!

Khenchen is not my root lama, but he is practically at the same level.  I am very blessed and grateful to have a strong connection with this precious and sublimely wise master.  He is the one who pointed me back toward the school path – he said going to school was to be my spiritual path for a while (and he was absolutely right).  He is the one who prevented (suggested strongly) that I not run off to India for less-than-grounded-or-well-reasoned purposes (and that is how I finished my bachelor’s degree and probably prevented additional needless suffering).  He pointed me toward Psychology in school, and he assisted in directing me toward Nursing, which I am currently doing.  Also I first took refuge with Khenchen and took my first Bodhisattva vows with him.  He is definitely one of my heart Lamas.  And I guess technically (if any of this technical stuff matters) he is my refuge Lama.  What matters is that he is one of a handful of heart teachers for me.

I do desperately miss spending time with my root guru, Drupon Thinley Ningpo, but Florida is a long way away (15 hr drive each way or a complicated flight(s) to arrange).  Hopefully I will get to see Drupon Rinpoche this summer or early in the fall.  I have heard that your root lama is the person who can help to liberate your mind and who can point out the natural state – our innate nature of dynamic emptiness.  If this is true, then that is the most important connection you will ever have with a teacher.  Period.  Therefore I do not mean to speak higher of Khenchen than of Drupon.  Rather, it has been a number of years since I have seen Khenchen la, where as I fortunately get to see Drupon nearly every year.  Plus due to Khenchen’s having mastered English, he speaks more openly and compassionately to my heart (at least so far).  And from what I have seen so far, he can be more wrathful and direct in dealing with wayward practitioners.  And perhaps it is time he were wrathful with me.  We will see!  I am so very grateful for all of my blessings – I am just an ordinary afflicted human being who is attempting to put his precious human rebirth to good use.

Thanks for reading!

staying fairly busy

Life has a funny way of creating new opportunities when we make alternative choices.  I pressed the pause button on nursing school a few weeks ago, a decision I’m still undecided on – best decision?  How much do I need to rest?  I am having a little health issue but hopefully some rest will be good for that.  Only thing is, I’m not good at resting.  I was in “go” mode prepping for school, doing the prerequisites and then going through a busy 2 semesters of nursing school already.  Then to hit the brakes.  It ain’t easy!  Therefore I am having to create a new system of structure and discipline.

I think the saying, “if you want something done, give it to someone who is busy.  They will get it done”  applies to me.  I feel good, my mind is razor sharp when I am in school.

Therefore I am trying to study every day.  I am meeting with instructors from time to time to go over my old care plans from last semester (because in spite of improving each week, apparently I still have a ton to learn!).  And now I am staying a little busy at least with a new astrology client per week.  Yay! I am getting to sleep in at least 3 or 4 days a week and then I have some extracurricular activities as well.  So that is good.

Now if I can just stay off the computer a little more  🙂

Thanks for reading and I will keep you updated.

Feeling a bit off

I’m not exactly sure why, but I have been feeling a little off over the past couple of days.

Backing off from nursing school has been tough on me.  It was a apart of my identity, although fortunately my identity is quite complex and multifaceted.  It is tough though to think that I might have to be working in the restaurant business for an extra year as a result.  No thank you!  Hopefully I can get a job at a doctor’s office after I finish the semester on administering medications (and many other vital nursing duties).

I think I need to do more practice.  Spiritual practice that is.  Sitting on my cushion practice.  Previously, during nursing school, I had to abandon some formal sitting because I simply didn’t have time or energy.  But in that case, the momentum of study and testing and clinical learning was a structure to build my life and time around.  It propelled me.  Now, I am without that structure, that foundation.  I need to rediscover a new structure.

I am finding that I am very sensitive to other people’s attitudes and energy at work.  Spiritual practice – Buddhist practice in my case is one antidote to this hypersensitivity.  And so is yoga and Zapchen somatics.  No matter what I choose, I need to do some daily practice.

Fortunately I have 3 days off in a row, so I can build some momentum.

Wish me well!  I wish you well.

Om Mani Padme Hung.

Good advice from an insightful I Ching

I woke up today feeling a little wobbly.  I probably throw the I Ching (the book of changes) a couple times a week on average – although some weeks I really seek its reflections.

Today the I Ching suggested that I rest down and do 3 things: first, “Let go of everything.”  Second, “Make nothing.”  and third, “Allow everything to be like it is (including yourself).”

This is not easy advice to follow.  I am a bit of a control freak and I occasionally tend to worry about stuff.  So it might have been the best advice I could have been given!  But still not easy to follow.

Although I must say that I did pretty good.  I did some kundalini yoga first thing, then I had a good breakfast.  Next I checked email.  Then I watched an episode of Arrested Development – just for laughs.  And finally I read a chapter in my Pharmacology book.  After taking the dog for a walk, I had a huge omelet for lunch and then I took a two and a half hour nap before getting ready for work.  I think I did pretty well following the I Ching’s advice.  Although I am still prone to fretting.

Thanks for reading!

~K