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I want to start out this post by saying that I love my parents dearly and by doing some deep psychological and process-oriented work on myself, I understand my parents better and I am so grateful that they gave me the chance for this precious human rebirth.
As Uranus (transiting) crosses the opposition point to my Hades Moon – Tr. Uranus is in Aries currently and it is about 1 degree away from exactly opposing my Hades Moon. I have Pluto conjunct the Moon in my natal chart – less than a degree separates these two unlikely bed-fellows. This conjunction falls in my 3rd house in Libra.
The most obvious layer, and when I say obvious – I have had several astrologers just glance at my chart and they say within seconds: “Wow, you have a lot of karma with your Mom, don’t you?”, of a Hades Moon is just that – my perception of my Mother or my relationship to the person I see as my mother is quite complex. I am aware of the Hades Moon in my chart probably reflects the enmeshment which developed over my childhood years – an enmeshed relationship with my single mother (who did the best she could).
And my mother has Pluto squaring her Moon. So there is a good chance that a pattern of enmeshment has been “handed down” from her to me. This enmeshed relationship arose due to a number of reasons – first of which was that my Dad was not around much physically and when he was around, he was never emotionally or psychically present (sorry Dad – but you still have some psycho-emotional stuff to work on). Therefore I clung to my Mom as my source of nourishment and shelter etc.
The roots of this enmeshment go all the way back to my birth. When I was born, due to the Indigenous American Indian blood from my father’s lineage (a wonderful gift to say the least), I had a purplish rash on my back and butt. The doctors did not know what was “wrong” with me so they put me in the NICU – natal intensive care unit where my mother could only visit for an hour at a time or so. I was there for at least 24 hours – maybe closer to 36 hours and when I was deemed “non-contagious” and handed back to my Mom, something had changed in me and in her. I have intuited that she felt some subconscious guilt for letting the medical personnel take me and that inherently changed our relationship, tying yet another layer onto an already fated and possibly tangled relationship.
I feel like I could write at length about what I have learned from my Hades Moon. About all the different permutations my liberation has gone through in terms of putting healthy space between my mother and I. But I am writing this post today to mention a new piece of information.
I received some powerful bodywork yesterday that really rocked me to my core. Some sessions are like that, others are more maintenance oriented – less potent and more resourcing and relaxing. But I had purposely scheduled
I received a session of Somatic Experiencing – a.k.a. S.E. (blended with process-oriented pre- and perinatal psychological understand and probably with some Craniosacral Therapy thrown in for good measure). In S.E., the goal is to get the client (me) to feel the emotions associated with challenges to the polyvagal system – that is the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system divisions also known as the Fight / Flight / Freeze system (sympathetic) or the Rest / Digest system. The goal is to strengthen and resource and turn on the parasympathetic or Rest and Digest system. But the way to do that is to clear the trauma (or emotions or misunderstandings) which are stuck in various body tissues – clear where the body is stuck in Fight or Flight or Freeze status. Obviously, this is very tender and vulnerable work, so I would only recommend going to see a qualified practitioner for it – someone who has done years of work on themselves.
What is wild is that we have a choice. Once we determine what it is that is challenging the system or what misunderstanding or event is being held in the tissue (a fall, birth trauma, etc), then we can choose to do it differently in our minds – while being held by skillful, resourced, regulated, compassionate hands – and then this can lead to lasting neurological changes in the body. And it is awesome and potent and nourishing when it is all over. But I must say that occasionally the adage: “you must feel it to heal it” is appropriate, so sessions are not always comfortable – at least not all the way through. But they are well worth it.
Before I mention what I learned yesterday, let me mention one thing: double binds. A double bind is a psychological term for a situation in which we have two or more choices and all of the choices have difficult or challenging outcomes. For instance, many double binds happen every day when we have elective surgery – if I get that mole removed, it means I will have to be cut and that is sharp and painful. However, then I can get the mole biopsied and I will look better cosmetically. So to keep the mole might invite danger. But to get the mole removed means I will get cut. This is a typical double bind – option A is painful but option B might be even worse down the road.
Likewise, many double binds occur for children. As kids, we are stuck with one or both parents, not having any actual options for running away from inappropriate care-takers. For instance, if we have the choice of suppressing our needs to prevent getting spanked, guess what? Most kids clam right up. This is a very common double bind. Suppressing our needs, somehow learning to not say “No!” in order to avoid the pain of spanking and our parent’s anger or wrath, is terrible either way – we put our foot down and say “No!” and then we get whacked or whipped. Or we learn to shut our mouths (and many people become pleaser / placaters / shape-shifters in the process of living these double binds).
So what did I learn in this last treatment? Or what double bind did I discover? As an aside, because Somatic Experiencing involves gentle, skillful hands-on time, when we do discover a double bind, we can slowly and skillfully help the client (in this case, me) to process it out of their system. I discovered that my kidneys were holding onto a lingering piece of the Hades Moon karma – that is, when I was young, it was sometimes difficult to stick with my mother (and even worse to spend time with my father – see the paragraph above) and yet the other option – of leaving her would have brought up the worst, most unthinkable terror so it really wasn’t a choice. Therefore, the essence of the double bind is that being with you is tough but any other option is horribly terrifying. Imagine the baby part of me – there is no grey area for babies – it is either I am safe and content OR I am in pain, or hungry, or afraid, or I have a dirty diaper. Therefore the baby part of me does not know how to ask for appropriate space. I wonder how many kids go through this at least at some point in their lives? Ack!!
But in my kidneys, and in my gut and in my meninges (around my brain) I felt this buzzing energy which only started to settle down when I admitted (acknowledged) this double bind and then using my adult resources – looking at the practitioner and realizing that I am safe, here and now, and looking around at the beautiful nature outside the windows – saying to myself, “May you (Kirby) be safe” and “May you kidneys be safe” – and bringing the session back to my child parts, saying now you have a choice. Do you want to feel the way it was back then (painful) or are you ready to try something different (possibly a win-win situation)? By realizing that my parents’ both probably suffered from this same double bind, I was able to compassionately hold them. So they are really off the hook – it is my karma which led me to this point and which led me to choose them as parents. They did the best they could with the resources available to them. And they did a great job! I was loved and well-fed and clothed and I was in a decent home throughout my childhood.
In the process of all this, I had to feel through several waves of fear. Only once I felt the fear and slowly processed it and released it could I rest in a settled, less-reactive place.
And then my kidneys dropped down, resting back and relaxing; they both started to rock rhythmically back and forth indicating they were happy and grounded and felt safe. My meninges (the shock-absorbing cushion layer around the brain) settled down, relaxed and the buzzing melted away. And finally there was big spreading in my gut as the practitioner completed the treatment there.
Because it is still fresh in my system and because it involved childhood parts going way back, I expect the balancing to continue for at least a few weeks, possibly more. I am being more gentle with myself and lying down when I have the time. No use doing this deep work and then throwing a wrench in the works by pushing too hard or by doing an activity which causes my kidneys to clamp up again… 🙂
So just to reiterate. This is extremely deep work. I have been doing process-oriented work on myself since 2005, receiving hundreds of treatments. I still have work to do. But you should not dive right in and expect these kinds of insights and shifts in the beginning. It is a process, there is a learning curve and lasting results will take time. Especially if serious trauma is involved. PTSD can be slowly resourced, but it will take lots of time. Remember to be gentle. Go slow. Breathe.
And may all beings realize that they have a choice: we can re-do parts of our childhood which were less than resourced and move into an awareness of why it was and how it can be different. And then re-orient from there. It is a beautiful process if you are willing to do the work.
Thanks for reading!