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I am continuing on my previous theme of describing my move to Tampa Florida.
A lot has happened since I moved down here two weeks ago, and at the same time, very little has occurred. First I will talk a little about this and then describe my reactions and inner tumultuousness. Finally I will end with what my guidance is saying (even though I still don’t completely trust my guides or this radical process).
So. What has happened since moving down here? Internally, I have done some good practice and I have had some days where I actually napped. I have been so worked up over the past couple months that napping was usually out of the question unless I was sick. Considering I feel this move is / was equivalent to a major rebirth in my life (moving away from my family, moving away from the place I called home for 27 years, moving away from friends and support in Virginia), I know I need A LOT of time to integrate and renegotiate the terms of my life. My heart is fearful and anxious most days, unless I am doing my utmost to practice self-care and that means doing spiritual practice (inner yoga) and somatic exercises for wellbeing (outer yoga).
I have met with some neat new people but this only happens once or twice per week considering how much down time I am preferring to take. Therefore much has happened and very little has happened, simultaneously 🙂
Now – what is happening in my reactions internally? There is a reason I put the word “Tangle” in the title. When I start trying to do the conventional route of using employment agencies or calling around about job openings, etc, I start getting very worked up inside. Tension becomes the norm as my torso braces for oppression which may not actually show up. What is happening inside me? I suspect several things – in the past the I Ching spoke about (and it still does actually) my beliefs and in particular, my conditioning not keeping up with my present reality. What does this mean?
This is very complicated. But let me try to sum this up briefly – I was born with birth trauma AND like all children, I took on some if not most of my parents’ beliefs about the world and about myself (about reality really) AND I was born into a culture that rarely ever slows down enough to take a deep breath, let alone deal with an internal emotional conflict. So this means I have spent the past 10 years plying apart these layers of conditioning and misunderstandings about reality which tend to bombard us on all levels – whether watching TV, talking with family members, going to church, etc. There are misunderstandings about reality running rampant in this world and without a qualified guide or mentor or teacher, it is impossible to start to figure it out 🙂
Deep breath… where was I? Yes, concluding the part about my conditioning needing to catch up with my perception of reality. I have been very fortunate to meet with qualified heart teachers, spiritual gurus and exceptional bodywork and psychology teachers. Therefore, my personal growth work has been on an accelerated pace as I move toward constant easy presence in my body, as a body and as awareness and as I come into alignment with what is. And this last sentence is no light task that can be accomplished over night. I firmly believe that my fortunate karma from past lives allows me to undertake this swift radical inner tectonic shift with relative “ease.” (You will see how easy this is for me below. ) So don’t try to copy my path without first getting a solid understanding of your own capacity! For me, I am starting to realize that I am a spiritual being having a human experience (not sure who this quotes goes to but it ain’t mine originally).
With all this mentioned as context, let me now describe the ingredients of this inner tangle which can spring up with such swiftness as to be remarkable and frightening: when I start worrying (fretting) about how I have not made much money in the past month and how money has gone out faster than ever before, I immediately go into a form of fight or flight and I am afraid this tangle can sometimes get to be so big that I might even start to fade toward freezing (in psycho-physiological terms, when we have exhausted our resources and we can no longer fight or run away, then the body will freeze in an attempt to play dead. Freezing is a pre-cursor to trauma and if it is not resourced, this is what leads to PTSD symptoms – among other things. Keep in mind this is a gross oversimplification of the trauma cycle.)
Why might I start to move toward frozen tissue (freeze)? Because I don’t know what direction to take. And because I know from previous experience – I had the shingles relatively recently from too much stress from over working – that I can only take so much stress. It is like an endless cycle – I’m stressed out about money and income and what to do with my life now; and simultaneously I am even more stressed because I know the damage stress can inflict on my body. SO, how do I put an end to this horrible cycle?
Deep breath… first I am blessed to have clear guidance – not from outer sources (yet) but rather I explicitly trust the I Ching (book of changes – a form of divination originally from China) to describe the subtleties of what I am experiencing. Occasionally I might rely on its advice too much – but it generally tells me if I am doing so. I believe the wisdom beings or Angels can speak to me through the I Ching; however, more importantly I feel it is my heart’s true communication rather than my distorted mind’s ideas about what it wants life to look like.
Luckily I have been trained in many modalities for self-care. This includes spiritual practices from Tibetan Buddhism, and Sufism to Energy Medicine techniques like Reiki and Pranic Healing and it also includes physiological techniques from Craniosacral Therapy, Somatic Experiencing (Trauma Resolution), Visceral Manipulation and others. So my repertoire of ways to be kind to myself is pretty vast. But I just need to remember to use them! This is how I break free from the tangle described above.
In Part Two I will describe what my guidance is saying.
Thanks for reading!