If you have been keeping close track of my previous posts then some of this information is going to be a review, however, there is also novel material. I have been riding a strong current of change and transformation over the past few years – as I studied and received much in the way of process oriented bodywork, began and cultivated a regular meditation practice along with becoming an organizer for local Buddha-Dharma events. As you can tell from previous posts, I enjoy sitting on fairly-intense meditation retreats and going on Buddhist pilgrimage whenever possible. All in all, I feel that I am doing pretty well in this lifetime – at least on a psycho-spiritual level.
As I mentioned previously, my astrological birth chart is full of transitioning aspects at the moment. I have multiple progressed planets either changing signs, changing houses or making exact hard aspects with Natal planets over the next year or two. This is in addition to my transiting chart being quite active, along with several hard aspects occurring in my solar arc (directed) chart. I realize that some readers will scratch their heads at what I just mentioned – but these aspects could be a reflection of what I am about to describe (so let us move on).
I feel like I am on an intense roller coaster at times – especially when I skip a day or more of meditation (and therefore do not ground myself in an authentic spiritual path). Recently, I have had ideations of wanting to get away from Charlottesville – where I presently reside, and have lived for over ten years. I have thought about moving to Hawai’i – my birth place and a location where I feel very comfortable and content. Just over the past few days, I have been scheming about how I could do a pilgrimage to the major Buddhist sites in India and Nepal – Bodhgaya, Kushinagar, Lumbini and Sarnath – where the Buddha was born, attained awakening, taught and passed into parinirvana, etc. I need to complete my Ngondro accumulations (preliminary practices in Tibetan Buddhism which involve accumulating thousands of various mantras and more) and I would love nothing more than to do it at some of the most sacred places (to me) on Earth. Alternatively, the idea of doing a Zapchen retreat in California this winter keeps coming to mind – being with Julie Henderson, one of my heart teachers in person, would be so potent and transformative. These are just the major highlights of possibilities floating around in my mind, the tips of the iceberg so to speak.
I attribute the current higher number of opportunities (or mental distractions) to several factors. I have been practicing a little more Dharma over the past few months – and as I push myself in that direction, my mind or afflictions or ego tries to push back, offering resistance or distractions from my vital intention (of letting go of the ego and realizing the natural state). Another “reason” my mind is so full of distracting ideas could be reflected in transiting Uranus and Jupiter crossing and now flirting with my Natal Sun – possibly meaning expansion, broadening of horizons, increased confidence (Jupiter), swift insight, ingenuous spontaneous ideas, an increase in nervous energy (Uranus). If these two factors are not “it,” then it could just be where I am in life – at 32 years old, I am feeling like my sluggish pace and my not being with a quality romantic partner are indications of failure or deeper issues and I want to move on. However…
Then I ask the I Ching – a divination tool I use to describe the subtleties of choices, situations and decisions. Everything I just mentioned above, the I Ching does not agree with my doing at the moment (leaving home is definitely not recommended at this time). According to its advice, I would be best served by being disciplined, by practicing more Dharma and finding alignment and grounding myself right here and now. In others words, I would be best served by doing what is most difficult – sticking with my process here, sticking with my redundant and insignificant seeming job (of waiting tables) and seeing a few clients on the side. I am best served by letting go of these worries and distractions and simply practicing Dharma. Ouch – the truth hurts sometimes. And of course a voice chimes in with, “but it would be so warm in Hawai’i right about now, and especially over this coming winter.”
Oh yes, and I did not yet mention that I am sticking around until I am absolutely clear about finishing my undergraduate degree. At present, it brings up untold amounts of irritation and my body keeps indicating this is not the time, plus I hate being in debt – I don’t want further loans – I know I “should” finish, everyone has echoed that sentiment (therefore no need for anyone to mention it any more). But I want the motivation to finish to be clear and to come from within. Or I want the green light to get the hell out of dodge. 🙂 Actually I would prefer to move on – yet another source of inner friction. Don’t worry though – I am sticking it out; grinding and grounding in my present experience, here, in Charlottesville.
Therefore, at present, I am doing a little bit of daily practice, loosening up with daily Zapchen exercises and trying to enjoy life, no matter how mundane and no matter how little it seems I am advancing (in the world – remember, on a deep level, I am very happy and content spiritually, which is all that seems to matter to me at present). I am extraordinarily blessed to be surrounded by wisdom beings, a few quality friends and spiritual teachers who want me to check in with them about my process. So now I need to notice that, to rest in that, supported and blessed, and not worry about the distracting possibilities which keep bubbling to the surface.
May all beings be clear about their path and have the courage to walk it.