Advertisements
Feeds:
Posts
Comments

For those of you who practice Craniosacral Therapy, you have most likely encountered this meditation (from Franklin Sills’ book).

This is a journey through the ventricles of the Cranium that I recorded last year for Janet Evergreen. If you need to fall asleep, lie down while you are listening to this. And better yet – pop open an anatomy book or look at this site to familiarize yourself with a few of the terms that are used:

Anatomical Structures coinciding with Cerebrospinal Fluid

You start out by visualizing yourself as a tiny minnow, maybe you have a light body, and we start the journey behind the brainstem – in your head 🙂

Take a listen!

This meditation helps with the Holistic Shift – shifting your awareness to deepen your inner tides, deepening the rhythm of the cerebrospinal fluid. Moving into a healing and integrating mental space.

Enjoy!

~km

Donation to Kirby’s blogging efforts

Hi dear Readers, Help me buy tea so I can continue blogging. So if you enjoy what you are reading, please make a little donation. Thank you very much!

$10.00

Advertisements

I am writing this post to say thank you to one of my main bodywork (and spiritual teachers), Janet Evergreen.

I live nearby, so I can assist you in your classes with ease,

Tolerance, learning, growth, transformation, provocative loving-kindness,

Confronting old patterns, deepening into healing tides, discovering stability within,

You lead your students on a magical and evidence-based journey,

through healing our own stuff! Gently cutting through delusion, having true patience:

Fearlessness in speaking truth to power, in naming shadow material, owning our stuff;

I am very very fortunate to have met you in this lifetime!

 

By the way, Janet teaches classes and leads retreats in Charlottesville, Virginia, around the state and in Quito Ecuador. You can visit her site to learn more here:

Janet Evergreen’s website

 

As usual, thank you for visiting!

~km

This is going to be an interesting post to be sure… where do I begin?

So I have this friend..

She is radiant, ebullient, great-with-kids, beautiful, dynamic and you can imagine – inspiring. Oh and she is a strong, self-assured woman. Pretty much qualities I want in a potential partner. We have been doing things together for the past couple months, as friends, which has been very pleasant. Getting to know each other gradually without any kind of expectations or agenda has been awesome.

And wouldn’t you know it.. we come to find out that we like each other. We have been quite transparent with each other as well, which is always good. We know exactly where we stand. Like it or not…

Now this is where the spiritual muse comes in to play… she is also not looking for anything serious right now. Casual dating anyone?

My heart, considering my history, is a jumbled mix of emotions at times these days. The deeper down the rabbit hole I go with my Pre- and Perinatal Therapy (PPN) learning, the more I realize I have gargantuan double binds hanging out in my system from unmet needs when I was born (and those first 2-3 years of life which are so crucial for determining whether we see the world as supportive and loving and meeting our needs OR hostile / ambiguous-at-best and  therefore constantly needing to be hyper-vigilant as a result). Guess which side of that coin I fell on. For a baby, there is no gray area – it is all black or white – it is basically life or death. Hence my realizing I still have tons of work to do on myself! Eee gads!

But I am finally at a place where I can feel this cathartic, turbulent, tangled mass of emotions arising (from time to time if I am triggered in the “right” way) and not react in a malevolent way toward myself. Anger (especially suppressed / repressed) can manifest in mysterious ways. The manner in which we beat ourselves up can be pretty darned epic at times, right?!

So instead of resorting to playing computer games or eating sugary foods or doing other depleting / moderately-self-harming-activities, I can now say, “You know little one [talking to my baby parts], that is right, you had a shitty, rough start to this lifetime. Those ignorant doctors who took you away from Mom did not realize that mysterious rash on your body was actually your skin’s way of saying, ‘Holy shit, I am overwhelmed, this family needs some very mindful, very skillful, very compassionate support!!!’ It was not a contagious rash. That was way way way too much for a little one to take in! And to be taken away from your mother, I have so much empathy for you.”

And as a healthy adult who has done a ton of work to differentiate the healthy adult parts from the wounded baby parts… my heart (healthy adult heart) truly yearns to comfort the little baby part of me that basically turned off. A part of me died (psychologically) when I was born and it has been on life-support ever since. So doing this early development PPN work is so (literally) vital, vitalizing, liberating, rejuvenating, refreshing. It is almost as if I am doing a conscious, wakeful soul retrieval of parts of myself, acknowledging, observing, offering empathy and transforming these distorted and twisted beliefs that some little parts of me has.

So what does this have to do with the relationship that I may or may not have started with this friend from above? She wants to keep it light and casual – hence the “Are we or aren’t we an item?” thoughts.

The answer is: “Everything.” My little baby parts want acknowledgement care and tenderness, but they want more than that – they want for any potential partner to meet unmet needs from 39 years ago… which is completely ridiculous and unrealistic! But seeing that is so important to having the possibility of a healthy relationship! Owning it is so important! This is my shit and I have to do something about!

Hence this crazy “hair ball” of enmeshed emotions and unmet needs occasionally rises in my chest when I think about being a part of a casual relationship. “Do I want that?”, “Do I want more commitment?”, “Do I want to articulate all that is on my heart?” No I don’t – that would overwhelm pretty much anyone! Ideally I would see a therapist for this type of thing and I kind of am – I get great support from bodyworkers and somatic therapists which is so beneficial and helpful toward my goal of grounded-embodiment-at-all-times.

Instead, I am sitting on my cushion more. I am finally getting down to work and working to complete my Ngondro – I only have four more sections left to go (and the first section just took 10 years but whose counting?). I want to make these shadows more visible, more transparent. And most importantly, I want to be shaped, molded and transformed by this relationship – whatever it looks like. (When you meet someone like this, you don’t set massive parameters on the relationship, rather you need to become more fluid and flexible, moving and being shaped as appropriate! Remember Sagittarius’ war cry when it comes to relationships – “DON’T FENCE ME IN!”) So space, space and more space – for myself, for my healing work, for my practice, for my little one…

So now that I have passed my MBLEx test (see previous post), I have a couple weeks of less-to-do. Recuperation time from three weeks spent studying dramatically. Now it is time to make these inner, unconscious waves conscious. To meet the needs of my wounded baby self and to firmly and unequivocally establish Earned Secure Attachment within being.

I am not good at casual dating. But I have been good (about ten years ago…) at doing prostrations and sitting on my meditation cushion. Therefore that is what I will be doing. It is my intention to become a better human being. To put these bodhisattva vows into practice. To become the change I want to see in the world (these are really lofty goals, but hey we might as well aim for the heavens right?).

If you want to schedule a bodywork treatment or an Astrology interpretation, let me know. I’m around. Otherwise, I’ll be doing cleansing, purifying, clearing and clarifying practices. 🙂

At least to the best of my mediocre abilities.

“What does right relationship look like?” That is the question I am working on. 🙂

Thank you for reading!

~km

Spiritual Astrology Special

One Hour Astrology Interpretation. Get your Astrological birth chart interpreted from a Spiritual / Karmic / Evolutionary perspective. You name the topic (area of the chart) and we can dive in - these are some possible areas to look at: Timing Astrology, Relationship Astrology, Medical Astrology, Natal Astrology, Psychological Astrology. Thank you!

$75.00

 

Hey dear readers!

I passed my exam tonight! Wow wow wow!

I’m not sure how…

Seriously, there were many questions I wasn’t expecting or didn’t know where to look to find those types of answers (when I was studying the past few weeks).

Therefore I must have muscle tested for answers on about 20 of the questions.. apparently that worked or I am really really good at guessing…

Now on to the Virginia side of the licensing equation. It seems to take anywhere from 4 to 12 weeks to get your license once you pass the exam, so we’ll see when I get it!

How exciting! Gosh, I’m becoming more legitimate every day 🙂

Over the years, I have been fortunate to be a part of multiple meditation groups. And two groups in particular stand out to me as being very dynamic and ahead-of-the-curve in their orientation and material that we would dive into.

I am in one right now that meets this criteria.

a shamanic practitioner, a chi kung teacher (they helped a well-known author and teacher write numerous books), an acupuncture teacher and a well-known meditation instructor are a part of this group and there is little ignorant me. I feel so so grateful!

Tonight I led a meditation from Zapchen Somatics. Now Zapchen has many levels and variations, so when one of the group members heard we were doing a Zapchen meditation, she balked a little. And I understand why – she is more into energy and she might have been worried about my just doing basic moves to wellbeing with the group (which would be fine of course but in this group we typically go straight for working with source energy or potent forms of working with Jing or Chi, no matter what meditation we are doing).

But I said this was a Zapchen Guru Yoga practice and that it was definitely not for beginners (quite true!). So she surrendered and the experiences we all had were phenomenal. It is so interesting that we can all get to a vast, peaceful, boundless, blissful wide-open heart space coming from so many different backgrounds.

Jesus showed up, along with Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche, Mahakala, Sherab Chama and the Medicine Buddha. Most people were open to seeing how the Guru might manifest.

It was amazing!

One of my underlying goals and possibly even purposes on this planet is to establish a reliable and stable connection to source. And it finally seems like this is possible, heck, maybe even likely!

I just have to slow down enough to allow this rich and sublime connection to reveal itself. Fortunately the practices I am learning and reviewing (and leading) in this meditation group are probably going to get me closer to that goal.

I was one of the last to join this group. So I’m not sure if / how open they are to more people joining up. But again, I am so grateful to the universe for turning me back toward these people even when I start to stray back toward self-isolation. So the more I might resist going to a particular evening, that means I have to go! And I push myself and of course am rewarded.

Perhaps soon I will start teaching again. I’m not sure to be honest though, it seems like people aren’t interested in the deeper more nuanced topics I can offer. But I would definitely lead a meditation that I have learned from this group or that I am bringing from Zapchen if and when my workshop attendees are ready. 🙂

Time will tell. Actually, on a more mundane note, I will most likely be leading Chi Kung classes starting in September – if those go well or continue, then we could get into deeper material.

Enough for now – have a good night all!

Thank you for putting up with my ramblings,

~km

Donate to Kirby’s blogging efforts

For every $25 you donate, Kirby will write a blog post (article) on the topic of your choosing, within his areas of knowledge. Thank you!

$25.00

This material is copyrighted by M. Kirby Moore. Please respect my creative property, thank you! And do enjoy your visit!

This is part 3 in a series. I highly recommend going back and reading parts 1 (Intro) and Part 2 as this will fill you in on how we got to this chapter of the story.

A tiny bit of review: I had had a dream that I had appendicitis but no symptoms at the time; the symptoms slowly began to show up over the next couple days; and I finally went in to the hospital to get it checked. And sure enough my white blood cell count was very elevated. So they removed my appendix. Oh yeah – and one more little pertinent piece of the story – complications arose and they had to stop my heart for about ten seconds to restart it with a healthy rhythm…

And speaking of complications… I am writing this part just in case there is anyone else out there like myself – high pain tolerance that is. By the way, some of this next section is a little graphic – read cautiously if you have difficulty seeing blood or guts, etc.

Do a laparoscopic surgery means they put three holes in me. One tiny one over my appendix which is where they put in the cutting / stitching device. One tiny one in my navel (whoa if I had had the choice, I’d say put the camera in somewhere else, but I think that cuts down on the visible scars). And then the final incision was on my lower left quadrant of my abdomen not too far from my inguinal ligament. This third incision is where they put in a small mesh bag to drag the pieces of appendix out of the body (I need to look up why they need to drag an infected body part across the abdomen but that is what happened).

Well it just so turns out that when they drag a bacterially infected piece of the body out through a tiny incision, some of said bacteria can escape and they might not disinfect it. That is what happened to me. But due to my high pain tolerance, I didn’t get it checked out until I had a serious abscess.

Days one through three of my recovery went well – I felt good, in fact I even went for a short jog on day three or four. But the wound wasn’t healing quite right – it was getting red and puffy. Around day five it started hurting a little (the pain meds I was on made the pain worse – in fact most narcotics or NSAIDs do this to me, I think it is a paradoxical effect). Day six I knew I might have a problem but it wasn’t hurting terribly, but the wound was more red and swollen.

Then on day seven I was in so much pain I could barely stand up. I called a taxi and nearly had to crawl out to meet it. The driver said, “Son I hope I’m taking you to the hospital.” Yes, that’s right. I was in rough shape.

At the hospital, an emergency nurse practitioner cleaned out the abscess and told me that it was almost golf ball sized. He said I had let it go on too long and he reminded me of what to look for in wounds healing properly vs. being infected. Good to know!

I’m just writing this so people know not to mess around with post-surgery wounds – if they are swollen or red or hot or painful, you might want to get them checked out! Otherwise you might end up like me – the nurse practitioner had to show me how to stuff my own abdomen with gauze (golf ball size needs gauze to stay open so it can heal properly). Stuffing it was pretty wild – but good lord, removing that red, exudate filled gauze in the shower was DISGUSTING. Enough said.

Okay so back to my story. Where was I?

Oh yes, so they stopped my heart during the Appendectomy surgery and I had no idea something remarkable had occurred. My consciousness was not ready to see that.

Within three or four months of having the surgery, I had my first dream. I was in an operating room, but against the wall. There was someone being operated on about 40 or 50 feet away – you know how dreams are, I’m not sure how far it was, but it was removed from me. And there were white nebulous light beings around the room with me. None were that close to me, but I knew I was seeing them for the first time.

These light beings were nebulous again – I could not make out their shape. I’d rather not hazard a guess as to what type of light beings they were, but I know today that they are made of source energy – light and love.

In that first dream, I was getting comfortable being in the same room with them.

Then a few months later, I would have a similar dream, but this time the light beings got closer to me. And as they drew closer to me, I felt immense calm and peace wash over me. I was VERY content in their presence.

Like I said in a previous post, I had at least seven or eight dreams of this type total, over the course of three years. Almost always the same format – me on the edge of an operating room, being in the presence of these incredibly altruistic and kind light beings. Eventually I felt so at peace in their company that I did not want to leave their sides.

So in the next post, I will mention the context of where I was when I had the final dream. And how I finally put two-and-two together and realized I was dreaming about the procedure that had been done on me.

Also, I should mention that as I was having these dreams – from 2002 to 2005 – I had a couple of new age friends who I asked about my dreams. They recommended great dream books for me so I got a lot out of reading and interpreting some of my other more mundane dreams, but I think this particular series of dreams was more of a this-is-what-occurred-now-you-have-to-process-it kind of thing.

Until soon,

~km

Spiritual Astrology Special

One Hour Astrology Interpretation. Get your Astrological birth chart interpreted from a Spiritual / Karmic / Evolutionary perspective. You name the topic (area of the chart) and we can dive in - these are some possible areas to look at: Timing Astrology, Relationship Astrology, Medical Astrology, Natal Astrology, Psychological Astrology. Thank you!

$75.00

This material is copyrighted by M. Kirby Moore. Thank you for honoring and respecting my creative property and enjoy your visit!

So at the end of the previous post, I was just going into the hospital (a teaching hospital that is) with a few mild symptoms of appendicitis. But the real reason I went into the ER was because 2 or 3 days prior I had had a dream telling me explicitly that I had appendicitis!

By the way, if you have not read the first post, I highly recommend going back and doing so! It provides a lot of context which I might not touch on here.

There I was, on the sterile white (?) linen of the Emergency Department, freezing my butt off while trying to convince an MD that I actually in fact had appendicitis. He poked and prodded my lower right quadrant for a minute or two, which was not very comfortable. But I guess when I didn’t wince or scream out, he said, “You don’t have appendicitis, if you did, and I palpated here, like this…<insert manipulations on my abdomen here> You’d be howling in pain.” Well doc, for once in your pretentious life… you are wrong.

I explained how I had ridiculously high pain tolerance (which also makes sense from my birth – which I will mention another time) and how I had had the dream, which at that time was an extremely rare occurrence. I asked, is there any other test we can do to see if in fact, I might actually have appendicitis?

“Well yes, we could draw your blood and get a CBC.” Go for it!

By that point, my mother had arrived. She checked in and kept me company. She probably knew some of the ER staff actually as she was a practicing RN at the time.

She was talking to me when two EMTs in training (?) – remember good ‘ole teaching hospital – came up to me and asked if they could draw my blood. They explained how they were training and that they needed “X” number of blood draws. So not knowing what I was agreeing to, I said “Sure.”

Again, I went back to talking with my mother and purposely looking away from my right arm where they were taking the blood sample. I can do smaller needles – like vaccination type – but the large needles of the blood drawing type make me feel faint. Not what I needed at that point!

Well, needless to say, a minute or two goes by, and I feel them fiddling with my arm the whole time. So I finally look over – like what the hell is taking you so long?

And I gasp audibly when I see the white (?) linen covered in my blood – not a lot, but they obviously messed something up in the process. Hell after my getting through half of nursing school (another story for another time or go back through my previous posts to see more on this topic), I could probably take blood better than them!

I made a little fuss so thankfully an experienced nurse came and actually got my blood drawn. Not sure what those novices were doing but count me out (my veins stick up overtly over most of my arm so they had plenty of options for easy veins but I digress). I was not feeling up to par at that point to begin with.

At this point I think the doctor had put me on a back burner of his mind. Here is this young man who claims he has appendicitis but no pain whatsoever over the appendix… actually if he had pressed too hard that may have been very serious as this next part will show…

Two hours later – the lab takes some time to count all the different types of blood cells and proteins etc – the same doctor who dismissed me so casually earlier came in. He was calm but I could tell he was a little ruffled under the collar. “We uhh… have to wheel you back to the Operating Room now..”

“What? So the CBC came back?” My mother asked.

“Yes his white blood cells are way off the charts, we’re going to remove his appendix laparoscopically.” That meant they would put more holes in me but they would be smaller holes, tiny in fact – not the big gaping scars you see on people who had this surgery 40 years ago.

They had me sign the necessary paper work and off I went. (Shows that doctor!)

All I remember over the next eight hours was one dim dream-like memory of seeing my step-father and sister through a door peering in at me. Then they moved me shortly thereafter. I woke up pleasantly enough though, on morphine.

So yeah, I was basically day dreaming about rainbows and unicorns and flying through the clouds! I’ve got to be honest, I was enjoying that. That is until a nurse came in and told me I had 10-minutes to manufacture urine and produce pee out of the usual place. She was gruff! And she threatened to put in a catheter if I didn’t pee. I didn’t quite get it at the time (morphine) but my mother told me I had better go pee in the bathroom – I definitely did not want a catheter put in! Fortunately I was able to go.

Then the surgeon came in. He ran through about 60 seconds of his usual schpeel until (and I was still feeling the morphine) he mentioned something about my having a reaction to the anesthesia and developing an arrhythmia. And then they hyper-oxygenated me and then proceeded to stop my heart for a few seconds to get it restarted on a normal rhythm…

Again, on morphine I was like, “Oh gosh, stopping my heart, well that sounds odd. But I’m dreaming of unicorns! Don’t interrupt my reverie!”

Thankfully my mother was there and concerned and a nurse, “So the appendix is way down here..<pointing to her LR quadrant> why’d you have to stop his heart again?” So she made him go through his little description again and he said that this happens in about 5% of appendix cases. He also mentioned that my appendix was 2-3 times its normal size and that it was good they got it out as it was not far from rupturing.

Scary words. So at the time, I really thought nothing of it. Turns out though, that just stopping someone’s heart for a few seconds (may have been 10 or 20?) is enough to kick a conscious out of the body and into other realms…

That particular day I did not realize that that had happened to me. It would take three years and about 7 – 8 specific operating-room-related-dreams for me to begin to realize what had transpired that night in the OR.

See my next piece on what that was!

Thanks for reading dear readers!

~km

Donation to Kirby’s blogging efforts

Hi dear Readers, Help me buy tea so I can continue blogging. So if you enjoy what you are reading, please make a little donation. Thank you very much!

$10.00