In the past year, I have made several massive changes. I transitioned out of a serious relationship. I transitioned out of nursing school (long story for another day). I even left my full time, well-paying job which felt was suffocating me (not to mention extreme mismanagement and poverty-level wages to a third of the employees). Then, in the month of September, I did an incredible training in Canada on Pre- and Perinatal Therapy or Birth Process Work. I learned a ton about myself, about the patterns of my ancestral line, and what tension fields I experienced upon being conceived. (In case you haven’t noticed, I have been contemplating and chewing on some pretty heavy stuff. Also, nothing confidential being revealed here. I realize my parents did the absolute best they could, which I love them for. In fact, when it comes to family situations, I am extremely fortunate. I love my family. AND there is almost always a series of psychological double binds to negotiate when we come into a human body. So that is what I am working on digesting, resolving and walking the little wounded parts of myself forward toward health and clarity and differentiation.)
But where does that leave me now? Having been back from Canada for about a month now, I am floundering a bit. I am only seeing a few bodywork clients, in spite of my awareness of the energetic field having deepened considerably (but my modesty is still as strong as ever, as in, I don’t enjoy selling myself or my talents). My touch skills have refined even further – now I know the difference between feeling anesthesia drug imprint (memory) coming out versus cigarette chemical imprints versus marijuana. And all this by having my hands on someone for just five minutes or less. Plus, I am barely doing any astrology at all, in spite of my awareness of the psychological double binds showing up in the chart and being able to point them out precisely and skillfully.
Mainly, I do a little yoga or qigong or Buddhist meditation practices. I am on a quasi-retreat. I am assisting with teaching one or two bodywork classes a week, which is nice. Overall though, my guidance is telling me to persist gently and kindly. And I am forced to confront these uncomfortable double binds on a daily basis as a result of all this extra time and space. I am forced to feel how a part of me needs to be producing something or running after something (or someone) or working toward getting letters after my name, in order to feel worthwhile. In other words, there is a part of me that feels worthless the more time I spend in doing less (this is a double bind talking by the way – an introject or a pattern learned from something explicit or implicit communicated to me when I was very young). I am doing my best to stay present with my little baby parts. I am giving incredible treatments when I do occasionally see a client – the strong astrological Chiron in my chart coming through – the wounded healer who is able to work miracles with others and yet who is so far, confined to suffer inwardly as he is unable to heal some deep, non-verbal unmet need.
On top of all this, I have had two bizarre situations involving working with babies or mothers of newborns in the past month. It has kind of shaken my confidence (apparently it does not take much). In Canada, I could treat a newborn or infant or toddler like I was an expert. For some reason, I get back here to Charlottesville and I feel like I have regressed five to ten years… so I am doing less than I would like with babies these days. I have one appointment in the next couple weeks treating a toddler. And that might be it for a while as I’m not feeling called or supported to work with babies here.
Which leads me to entitle this post the way I did. “Drowning in Spaciousness.” I don’t want to work for a company that pays less than a living wage to ALL of its employees. I don’t want to be in a school program where I know 200% more about complimentary health care than my professors (that is just one of dozens of reasons why I left nursing, my personal health being near the top of that list). I want to be in a community of people who support each other and are yearning to lean into that support. I felt that in Canada. I am not feeling that here in Virginia any longer.
Having named all these issues, some would say it is exciting where I am at. I am hatching, that I know. I feel like there is an old part of me dying away, and it is blisteringly uncomfortable. Maybe a Phoenix will rise from these ashes. Until then however, I am wishing it was easier to rest in “Don’t Know” mind.
And now to shift gears: explaining what is going on in my astrology chart and how that might correlate with what I am mentioning above.
Chiron is Rx by transit, conjunct my Sun. I am ready for a spiritual blossoming as it were. I feel ready to get out there and teach and lead bodywork classes (but my guidance is saying not just yet). I have a hankering to teach a PPN astrology class – but the amount of support my students would need to explore this juicy yet heavy material would mean I would need an assistant who is well-versed on the topic as well. So that is also on the back burner.
Pluto is squaring my natal Moon / Pluto conjunction by transit. Did I mention a Phoenix rising from the ashes of an old dying self? Well here we go. Difficult and uncomfortable transitions as the old junk is being torn away from my being. My suffering is only reflected by my resistance in this case. There can only be distress if there is a story to hang my discomfort on. And boy oh boy am I coming up with some stories! Heavily intense (Pluto) birth issues (Moon), womb surround circles (Moon), Mother Earth-oriented workshops (Moon) all being brought to the forefront.
Neptune is conjunct my 8th house Mars and widely opposite my 2nd house Saturn by transit. Did I mention slowly gaining clarity around deep, nebulous topics, like ancient invisible ancestral double binds? You might give this authority to Pluto, see above, but I think when Neptune sits on a Mars / Saturn opposition for over a year as it slowly transits by, then the edges of this tense aspect will obviously start to melt away.
Uranus is nearing the end of its journey through my 9th house. And at the same time, it is making a square to my natal Jupiter by transit. Hence my having gathered up many useful healing modalities and techniques. Also this might explain why I am slowly starting to do more teaching (as Uranus prepares to enter my 10th house of profession / career / giving back to my tribe). Uranus square Jupiter could speak about my taking on a little bit more than I can realistically handle at present, which is another reason for my down-time.
Well before this gets extremely long and verbose.. I think I will pause there. Wishing for more easy support for myself and others. Hoping that I gain some clarity soon so this time of supposed confident abiding can pass. 🙂
Wishing you all contentment and may all beings know and implement the causes of happiness! (I’m off to do some prostrations as I attempt to rest easier in spaciousness.)
Thanks for reading.
Meditation Informs Healing Facilitation 