I am looking at the deeply embedded, entrenched (cultural) patterns and conditioning of pushing through, overriding (over-functioning) vs. listening to my nervous system, listening to my body and taking a healthy step back.
This was the situation: I was attending a Buddhist retreat. There were multiple practices to choose from everyday, along with the main teachings. But here is the thing – I worked my ass off right up until driving down there, the drive took 15 hours, and I had been fighting off a sinus thing for days. Plus, I had just gotten on antibiotics for a little infection. My system was stretched very thin upon arriving at the Air BnB near the Dharma center.
Long story shorter, I took the first day of the retreat off and stayed at the Air BnB. I was able to attend via Zoom which was very nice – lying down when I wanted, snacking, drinking healing tea and lots of Vitamin C helped me feel better. It was wonderful.
On arriving at the retreat center on Day Two, someone I knew asked where I was yesterday. It was nice to see her, it had been a number of years since I had seen her last. And we did exchange pleasantries. But when I explained all that was going on, she immediately came back with, “We are all dealing with a virus down here that makes you cough for a month, and yet we still showed up.” No sympathy, no empathy, no pause. Whoa… she said it in a polite manner and yet that statement was laced with so many layers! I will unpack it below:
The relentless conditioning most people have to work their butts off comes from the mistaken belief that their worth is determined by their productivity. And we only “deserve” to rest once we are exhausted or very sick. Why do we have to earn our right to rest? This is not healthy, and frankly it is not sustainable. When people push through and override their body’s natural need for rest and recovery, a big crash is inevitable – whether strange health crises, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, etc. Goodness knows we have plenty of mysterious health syndromes and health crises running rampant.
The problem is, this is the water we are all swimming in. Work work work. The bogus “American dream” – the harder you work, the more it will pay off. Push push push. Of course, it is easy to get caught up in this tangled web. It is probably what we witnessed in our parents. The Protestant Work Ethic, the pick yourself up by your bootstraps (even though this doesn’t actually work) mentality is so prevalent and pervasive! It is a part of what is making this country so sick – literally ill and having serious health problems. We don’t stop to analyze – “is this working for me? Is there another healthier option?”
Sometimes it goes a step further – the concept that listening to your nervous system, resting when you haven’t “earned” it, is indulgent and lazy. Eee Gads! It starts VERY early – it is a preverbal belief – it is “I love you for what you do, not for who you are.” Or I love you for your good grades, or for how you look, or for massaging your mother’s [parent’s] aching feet – not unconditional love for who you are… It is sad really. Love with strings attached is a bitch.
If you look back at my last post about the 12th house (astrology), you might notice that I am not resting right now in order to get back to being productive. (I’m not refilling my tank just to get back out there and empty it again – no thanks!). I no longer subscribe to that harsh and strict work-your-ass-off and then drop dead upon retirement paradigm. I am very healthy because of how much self-care I practice. I rest for the sake of making space for inner processing. I am tending to my inner soil with kindness – not trying to force seeds into dry and infertile ground. It is very sad how many people are still doing this into their 60’s and 70’s though! (What?!)
Coming back to that laced comment above – basically, “We are all sick and yet here we are showing up and doing the work.” Whoa!
This shows just how pervasive the pattern of unexamined moralization of endurance is. When we constantly deplete ourselves by overworking, this is not healthy resilience, this is sucking the inner reservoir dry, this is normalized override. I wasn’t asking for special treatment, I was explaining how we had a crazy long drive down there, how I wasn’t feeling well and that I was choosing health over productivity. I was making a sane, regulated (healthy adult) choice. And I think that triggered her.
At a Buddhist center nonetheless – a place where you hope inner contemplation and transformation is occurring. Not to mention kindness and empathy… And on some levels these things are happening there! But this particular double bind (conflict) runs really deep.
This whole “we are sick and we show up anyway” mentality is just collective dissociation dressed up as virtue. Metta loving-kindness practice matters for a reason. We cannot love others if we don’t first love ourselves.
There was also a subtle cruelty in her message – it was: “my limits and my nervous system needs were inconvenient to the group’s needs.” My nervous system should comply with what the retreat needed. She is self-sacrificing, self-erasing, so why do I get to do something different?!
Thankfully when I spoke to the Lama (teacher) a little later, I got compassion. He was very happy that I rested and had some recovery time. That is what I needed and wanted to hear. Not the cringy social / cultural pressure (not to mention boundary violation) to get back on the override train!
For much of my youth, and even into my early 30’s, I had a tendency of overriding. I used to hold everything together while being really exhausted. I was an over-function-er. Because I was raised in environments where overriding and pushing through were praised and you could only rest if you were sick. I’m done with that shit thank you! And god it has taken time to process that through (like 20 years of de-conditioning).
So of course my system clocked this as a boundary violation, even if it was pleasantly delivered in a polite manner. It felt weird when she said it, and within a few minutes I was like, “that’s her stuff, not mine. AND I no longer subscribe to that punishing work ethic.” Blech!
I made a healthy, measured, adult, regulated choice to rest and recover. My system needed it (and still needs it today and I will probably need R&R for many years going forward!). My choice was discernment, not avoidance. I am making space to be with my inner difficult feelings and emotions, not avoiding them through override and pushing through.
It is an old pattern – it is deeply ingrained. But it is not wisdom. That pattern, that deep belief has gotten old.
Even in Buddhist spaces, especially in these spaces, sometimes people confuse renunciation with neglect, or discipline with self-erasure. I’m sure some of this was happening in that situation. The practice is to see clearly what is arising. Then to relax the mind despite what is arising (being with it in equanimity). We have to make space for that to happen.
Listening to our body, honoring our nervous system is healthy practice. Forcing ourselves to sit or work through dissociation, inflammation or having subtle resentment is not great!
I get it. When I host Tibetan Lamas at our sangha in Virginia, I am doing 70% of the work and pushing through like crazy. I know that those 4 – 5 days will be full and busy and I set aside time afterward to rest. So, I know how hard it is to be an organizer of a spiritual center. It is frustrating that more people aren’t showing up or volunteering. But I’m glad they are taking care of themselves and I don’t lay on a not-so-subtle-guilt-trip. There are many double binds to navigate – but I have already done a lot of that work. I got out of that harsh and punitive pool (water) a while ago.
And unfortunately I think most of the invisible labor in our society (and in Dharma centers) is done by women. So, of course there might be some resentment around that. I understand where she was coming from – she didn’t mean any harm for sure. But we have to find a sustainable balance and not judge others for resting and practicing self-care! We want everyone who attends to feel safe – not just physically, but emotionally safe as well. We don’t people going, “Well that exchange was yucky!” (whether they fully understand it or not).
Instead, can we introduce more kindness, more listening? Can we soften our harsh edges? Can we explore ways to have more metta-loving-kindess to ourselves?
I certainly pray that this may be so!
Thank you listening to my ranting,
Kirby Moore
Meditation Informs Healing Facilitation 