Confusion blossoms as wisdom

This is a post about a significant bodywork treatment I just received. But first, a little update on how things have been.

I have had an up and down few weeks. For a while there, I couldn’t access the login page for this blog (it would just freeze), hence my lack of posts….

I still have obstacles to my forward progress regarding my business (bodywork / Somatic Experiencing / Craniosacral Therapy) – as in I cringe when I think about promoting myself. I hope that changes really soon. Nothing like being a competent practitioner who has problems marketing himself!

And I taught an awesome Craniosacral class at the spa where I work. That went really well with 10 students completing it. I learned quite a bit during that process and I am using that class to get certified as an Approved Provider so I can offer continuing education credits in the future! Yay!

It is my intention to begin offering regular classes in June of 2020. Let me know if this interests you!

And my relationship is going well. In fact, I am headed down to meet her father for the first time this coming weekend. (Wish me luck!) ❤

The reason I am posting this however, is to discuss a multiple hands bodywork session I received this morning. Multiple hands means that more than one person worked on me at a time – in this case it was three people.

In the session, I leaned into a resource – in this case a potent psycho-spiritual resource – of Vajrayogini, an imposing wrathful fiery wisdom being in the Tibetan Buddhist pantheon. In particular, I felt myself come into alignment when I imagined wearing her divine armor, visualizing certain colored lights at each chakra. [This is quite an advanced practice, beginners should seek out a qualified teacher and start with basic meditation.]

My intention in the session was to work with my little 3 or 4 year old part, the part of me who has trouble connecting with others due to the mistaken belief that to connect means he has to take care of the person. 😦

So telling him that we can throw that belief down the river (the healing studio is near the Rivanna River) brought up curious uncomfortable feelings in my belly. Challenging an ancient double bind will often bring up discomfort. And upon feeling into these sensations, I realized that it was terror coming out of deep frozen unconscious places and becoming conscious and more malleable.

Terror is fun to work with. (Not usually, this is a joke.) It feels like moving through frozen sludge. Although I have become quite proficient in doing so by now. But this morning something was different.

When I felt that I was wearing Vajrayogini’s armor, the terror did something really wild. It melted because light was shining through so vehemently from within me. Whether it was red light, or blue, or yellow, etc, the terror melted away along my mid-line. Then I had to use some tools and techniques from Somatic Experiencing (a trauma-resolution modality) to move the freeze / terror out of my legs and arms.

The practitioner running my session asked me about the sensations and what was happening inside me. I said, “The terror is and has always been light, I was just confused about it.” Confusion dawns as wisdom.

Then we talked further and I surprised myself by saying, “my little one just needs to remember that he is a child of Vajravarahi [Vajrayogini’s similar wrathful female yidam]. He merely needs to lean into her wisdom fire. There is no need to worry about self and other at that point.” Wow! What did I just say?

Boundaries are only a problem when we are thinking we are separate from others. When I was wearing her divine armor, the separation between self and other lessened.

After this session, I needed a significant nap – I slept for several hours and woke up feeling quite altered still. And now I am back to my obscured, confused self 🙂 Having multiple hands on, from quality practitioners who wish us well is something valuable and special and unique. And powerful!

Just for context, I have been doing personal growth work through Craniosacral Therapy and other emotional-process-oriented-bodywork modalities, including Somatic Experiencing and PPN / birth process work for 15 years. Along with maintaining a dedicated meditation practice through Tibetan Buddhism since 2005. These types of profound sessions / transformations are possible, but I believe it requires at least a decent foundation to be laid. And to develop trust with your practitioner(s). Suffering can be transformed when we stick with it.

Let me know if you want to sign up for a treatment, whether in person (in Charlottesville VA) or over distance. You can email me at kirby [at] mkirbymoore [dot] com for more info.