This is a continuation of a post from yesterday. You should definitely go back and read Part One so you know how we wound up here – how Maureen set up resources (the counter vortex to use SE parlance) and made sure I had enough resilience in my system before going to these deep places. Enjoy!
M: Maureen Gallagher – SE faculty
K: Kirby Moore – me, SE student
If you recall from the previous post, Maureen had just explained to me what guppy breath is and we did it several times together… (it loosens tension in the jaw, without discharging too much energy)
K: I’m curious about my chest.
M: What do you notice there?
K: I’m on the edge of it. It is shaped like a ball, a sphere… It feels ancient… Might be a layer of freeze but not cold yet… it is new for me to see this… Yes, it’s ancient…. It feels dusty and musty inside.
M: Good. So it is shaped like a ball, it feels old. You haven’t seen this before. So you are just feeling into it from the edges, right?… what does it feel like in your body to notice it a little bit?
K: There is a lot of health here.
M: How do you know that?
K: There is warmth and light on the periphery of the sphere. Collapse in the center.
M: Notice that relationship. You can hold both the health and the collapse at the same time. This is all here….
K: When I was 22, I had my appendix operated on. I had a reaction and developed an arrhythmia. They saw it coming, hyper-oxygenated my body and then proceeded to stop and restart my heart. I found myself out of my body and among light beings, angels on the periphery of the room….
M: Can I ask you to notice what this like – being among the light beings?
K: It’s warm. Very comforting. Easy…. but then the light beings start urging me back toward the table. They are not using words, yet they are like screaming at me to go back…. [pause for a couple deep breaths] But I did not want to go back.
M: I want you to feel the warmth of the light beings.
K: I want to latch onto them (and not go back here). I am a spiritual being having a human experience. It’s hard. But I had to come back, my work isn’t finished yet.
M: So let’s slow this down. Feel the warmth of the light beings… Good. And a part of you did not want to come back. But a part of you did. Is that right?
M: So something was holding you back. You liked it there with the light beings… And you came back…. I want you to stay with the “And I’m going back” for a bit…
K: It is like begrudging resolve. I’m going to grit my teeth and come back.
M: It’s okay to be with the resolve and wanting to remain with the light beings. Now can I ask you to set aside the wanting to stay back, put that to the side. And now be with the resolve, “and I’m going back.”
K: As I get to the table, I am shocked, startled to see that it is my face on the body on the operating table.
M: It just took a moment to see that. What else do you notice?
K: Bewilderment… confusion…
M: Yeah of course. This makes sense!
K: I want to shake and shiver this energy out. [starts to shake out his arms and hands]
M: Okay slow it down… that’s it… go slow… move your arms slowly. Whatever excess needs discharge, let it move down your arms. But not too much discharge.
K: It feels like there is pressure changing in my cranial bones.
M: Allow yourself to rest. That’s it. Let the remaining energy stay. Notice what is happening in your body as you allow some of the energy to remain.
K: There is a buzzing around my torso. My hands feel tingly. There is some numbness in front of my tibia.
M: So you are discharging a bit of activation, and then some freeze comes back to the surface. And vice versa. One more chance now to see and be with both – feel the wanting to come back and not wanting to.
K: It feels a bit more integrated… Like I can hold more pieces… or levels of discharge… only discharging 30-40% feels more manageable… I am more settled on the right compared to the left… in my legs too. [takes a deep breath]
M: Your breath comes in but your eyes look tired.
K: I am grateful for that. It is only recently that I have gotten in touch with how tiring it is to be hyper-vigilant. I want to be in touch with what is.
M: Allow the nervous system to find a new balance point. You are discovering a new normal.
K: I am going to seek out more support when I get home. But this feels more manageable.
M: So you see someone at home right now?
K: For craniosacral yes. But I want to work on this more.
M: Good. I’m glad you are leaning into support! So we only have a few minutes left in this session.
K: This dichotomy is really big. [staying on the other side vs coming back]
M: Notice your body. Notice what it means to be you around this. Be with this just as it is right now.
K: There is tiny bit of tingling around my lips.
M: You are noticing the physical, spiritual, psychological right now. Good. Take a little snapshot of this moment.
K: I want to squeeze my legs again. But the cold [freeze] is less.
M: Part of you is moving from freeze to vitality. I like this. Is there anything else you want to say?
K: I want to stay with this. And discharge some and rest. This was big.
M: Yes do a little bit. Keep it slow. Maybe do a little bit faster, but then pause and notice. Not too much at a time and notice. This helps the nervous system to find a new rhythm. Now I’m seeing if this is an okay place to stop?
M: Good. Discharge just a little but stay with it a lot. Build your awareness. You want to stop before you discharge vital life-force energy.
That was the end of the session. Quite powerful for me! And I had to pause several times in re-writing it here to feel my feet, notice my breath and give my arms little squeezes. Go slow, be gentle!
Thank you for reading!