discovering a spiritual muse

This is going to be an interesting post to be sure… where do I begin?

So I have this friend..

She is radiant, ebullient, great-with-kids, beautiful, dynamic and you can imagine – inspiring. Oh and she is a strong, self-assured woman. Pretty much qualities I want in a potential partner. We have been doing things together for the past couple months, as friends, which has been very pleasant. Getting to know each other gradually without any kind of expectations or agenda has been awesome.

And wouldn’t you know it.. we come to find out that we like each other. We have been quite transparent with each other as well, which is always good. We know exactly where we stand. Like it or not…

Now this is where the spiritual muse comes in to play… she is also not looking for anything serious right now. Casual dating anyone?

My heart, considering my history, is a jumbled mix of emotions at times these days. The deeper down the rabbit hole I go with my Pre- and Perinatal Therapy (PPN) learning, the more I realize I have gargantuan double binds hanging out in my system from unmet needs when I was born (and those first 2-3 years of life which are so crucial for determining whether we see the world as supportive and loving and meeting our needs OR hostile / ambiguous-at-best and  therefore constantly needing to be hyper-vigilant as a result). Guess which side of that coin I fell on. For a baby, there is no gray area – it is all black or white – it is basically life or death. Hence my realizing I still have tons of work to do on myself! Eee gads!

But I am finally at a place where I can feel this cathartic, turbulent, tangled mass of emotions arising (from time to time if I am triggered in the “right” way) and not react in a malevolent way toward myself. Anger (especially suppressed / repressed) can manifest in mysterious ways. The manner in which we beat ourselves up can be pretty darned epic at times, right?!

So instead of resorting to playing computer games or eating sugary foods or doing other depleting / moderately-self-harming-activities, I can now say, “You know little one [talking to my baby parts], that is right, you had a shitty, rough start to this lifetime. Those ignorant doctors who took you away from Mom did not realize that mysterious rash on your body was actually your skin’s way of saying, ‘Holy shit, I am overwhelmed, this family needs some very mindful, very skillful, very compassionate support!!!’ It was not a contagious rash. That was way way way too much for a little one to take in! And to be taken away from your mother, I have so much empathy for you.”

And as a healthy adult who has done a ton of work to differentiate the healthy adult parts from the wounded baby parts… my heart (healthy adult heart) truly yearns to comfort the little baby part of me that basically turned off. A part of me died (psychologically) when I was born and it has been on life-support ever since. So doing this early development PPN work is so (literally) vital, vitalizing, liberating, rejuvenating, refreshing. It is almost as if I am doing a conscious, wakeful soul retrieval of parts of myself, acknowledging, observing, offering empathy and transforming these distorted and twisted beliefs that some little parts of me has.

So what does this have to do with the relationship that I may or may not have started with this friend from above? She wants to keep it light and casual – hence the “Are we or aren’t we an item?” thoughts.

The answer is: “Everything.” My little baby parts want acknowledgement care and tenderness, but they want more than that – they want for any potential partner to meet unmet needs from 39 years ago… which is completely ridiculous and unrealistic! But seeing that is so important to having the possibility of a healthy relationship! Owning it is so important! This is my shit and I have to do something about!

Hence this crazy “hair ball” of enmeshed emotions and unmet needs occasionally rises in my chest when I think about being a part of a casual relationship. “Do I want that?”, “Do I want more commitment?”, “Do I want to articulate all that is on my heart?” No I don’t – that would overwhelm pretty much anyone! Ideally I would see a therapist for this type of thing and I kind of am – I get great support from bodyworkers and somatic therapists which is so beneficial and helpful toward my goal of grounded-embodiment-at-all-times.

Instead, I am sitting on my cushion more. I am finally getting down to work and working to complete my Ngondro – I only have four more sections left to go (and the first section just took 10 years but whose counting?). I want to make these shadows more visible, more transparent. And most importantly, I want to be shaped, molded and transformed by this relationship – whatever it looks like. (When you meet someone like this, you don’t set massive parameters on the relationship, rather you need to become more fluid and flexible, moving and being shaped as appropriate! Remember Sagittarius’ war cry when it comes to relationships – “DON’T FENCE ME IN!”) So space, space and more space – for myself, for my healing work, for my practice, for my little one…

So now that I have passed my MBLEx test (see previous post), I have a couple weeks of less-to-do. Recuperation time from three weeks spent studying dramatically. Now it is time to make these inner, unconscious waves conscious. To meet the needs of my wounded baby self and to firmly and unequivocally establish Earned Secure Attachment within being.

I am not good at casual dating. But I have been good (about ten years ago…) at doing prostrations and sitting on my meditation cushion. Therefore that is what I will be doing. It is my intention to become a better human being. To put these bodhisattva vows into practice. To become the change I want to see in the world (these are really lofty goals, but hey we might as well aim for the heavens right?).

If you want to schedule a bodywork treatment or an Astrology interpretation, let me know. I’m around. Otherwise, I’ll be doing cleansing, purifying, clearing and clarifying practices. 🙂

At least to the best of my mediocre abilities.

“What does right relationship look like?” That is the question I am working on. 🙂

Thank you for reading!

~km