Positive Disenchantment

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I am writing this post as an update for my “progress” in Florida, and to comment on the phenomena of disenchantment or disillusionment being able to be positive and a potentially maturity-oriented noun. Another reason I might be writing this is to clarify my thoughts on what has been a confusing process.

So I moved down here to Florida, or at least I should say now, I moved about half of my stuff – mainly physical possessions. I have visited Florida several times and I thought it might be a good fit. I have some friends down here and there are many Drikung Kagyu practitioners of Tibetan Buddhism (which is the lineage I feel a close connection with). That and my primary spiritual teacher has his residence down here, for when he is not traveling or teaching elsewhere.

Having been here for two months, I think the word “moved” is erroneous. I should have been clear from the beginning – this was really an experiment. Can I weave into the physical environment here? Can I find some similar kindred spirits who I can share my presence with and who will provide me with good company? Do I feel like my potent gifts of awareness and emotional clarity are a decent fit down here, do people appreciate me for who I am and what I can offer them? Are my skills with bodywork able to be put to use?

Unfortunately, almost every answer to these questions are a definite “NO.” I am someone who enjoys a deep connection with the Earth, I like to hike, to swim, to bike and to be outdoors. Whether it is watching the sunset or just enjoying the leaves change to winter, I am fed by my connection with nature. And so far, I have only been on edge being outdoors here. I don’t know how to deal with alligators and people keep reminding me that there are many (new and foreign-to-me) venomous snakes here. And of course, there are panthers and large bobcats here too. Ooph!

I am finally feeling like my expectations of finding a decent job and enjoying time with my spiritual teacher (soaking up his awesome teachings and presence and fiery potency!) are dissolving in these autumn breezes. I have applied to dozens of jobs and so far, all doors are closed to me. I have been rejected, even by some jobs I thought I was qualified for. So I think it is time to throw in the towel. No need to try to push onward in a situation where I am trying to move a mountain by myself. I have nothing to prove to myself.

Yes, I will tire of explaining why Florida did not work out, but my true friends will understand. My ego might take a little bit of a hit – I wanted this to work out, I wanted to slay my dragons away from the beautiful land where I have spent 27 years of my life. And it is okay. My ego could use a good dose of reality from time to time!

I’m not sure when I will actually say goodbye yet, but I think my time in Florida is now limited.

Thank you for reading.