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12/31 – early morning… I swallowed some irritation toward a fellow practitioner. I need to speak my truth here, if gently and compassionately. What a test! Now my jaw is tight – maybe as a result? I have heard that to truly practice patience, we must be fearless – yep, I need to speak up.
I am noticing a correlation. In the past, I have tended to eat too much while on retreat. This time I am practicing more moderation and with that comes the observation that the more I eat, the more my discursive mind is active. I am still churning over girl issues (especially when I eat more than I need to).
Wow – the 2 am to 3 am hour is the longest hour of my life. I got up several times and unfortunately only 5 to 10 minutes have passed in between kitchen visits… argh! Finally the time for a brief rest comes around. Is it possible that the acid in my mouth from eating is that much stronger now or is it the fact that while I am on retreat, I am that much more sensitive. I need to brush my teeth.
I have a dream about the young woman I have been thinking about and of course my retreat-muddled mind claims to need to send her an email. Therefore I snag a friend’s laptop and do that. I notice my adrenals being more active as I am about to do so. Then, throughout the next 24 hours I regret doing so – I am so distracted!
Today the CD started skipping, and the little player is sitting on a cushion in front of the microphone. So the yogi next to me commented and said, “Yep, we all slide off our cushions sometimes.”
Due to the lack of sleep, we are all suffering the affects, like this afternoon’s deep topic was, “How is it that the fortunes inside of fortune cookies are not oily and runny?”
I took a nap downstairs and I was out like a rock. The guy I told me to wake me up said he tried three times – no wonder I felt a sense of de ja vu when he finally succeeded! I stay in sluggish sleep mode for several hours and I am glad. I am finally putting the pieces together – I am sitting in front of the sliding glass doors in the shrine room and they are not the greatest insulated panes. Therefore I am realizing that my kidneys have been struggling to stay warm for like, the entire retreat up to this point! From my experience with bodywork I know this is highly not recommended. It would explain some of my vivid, strange little dreamlets that I have when I lie down in the shrine room. I close the curtains and make certain to keep extra layers on me.
Today I learn that the prayers inside my prayer wheel are pretty much junk. It turns out the merchants put old looking scrolls in there to add to their appeal but the prayers are not old at all – just smudged and unclear… (they were not legitimate prayers to begin with in this case.) Harrumph! I need to purchase good quality prayers. And I am wondering about all the previous rotations of my wheel – do they still “count” (toward merit earned?). I definitely had faith in my prayer wheel being a productive thing to spin. And then what about all the people who I handed my prayer wheel too – does my faith keep them covered? Very curious indeed.
Tonight had delicous tukpa – Tibetan noodle soup. Unfortunately I remember too late that my body cannot really take much in the way of processed grains (flour), and I start to feel sick again (stopped up). How can I guard my mind from turning sour when I feel sick?